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Archives: RinkAwards 2000 (ceremony only)

3/31/01

The RinkAwards, conceived in The Red Button, is an awards program, similar to the Oscars, which recognizes outstanding work in the RinkChat Archives. A long drawn out two-phase voting procedure was established, and then the winners were announced in the following ceremony. This took place in the Mountain Stream room of RinkChat. People were auto-quieted as they entered; only I, the guest presenters, and those accepting awards were permitted to speak. Other rooms on RinkChat were open for people to comment in.

This transcript only includes the official text of the RinkAwards ceremony; it does not include any running commentary from the audience.


Ladies and gentlemen, if you would take your seats. The show will begin in five minutes.

Ladies and gentlemen, if you would take your seats. The show will begin in two minutes.

Ladies and gentlemen, if you would take your seats. The show will begin in five seconds.

RinkChat: The chat room topic has been changed to 'The RinkAwards!' by Sam.

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the 1st Annual RinkAwards Ceremonies!

This night is made possible by Deserkey Foods. Fresh sand-baked poultry for you and your family!

And by Dreamhost, providing web hosting services to individuals and corporations at low prices. Dreamhost, where We Host Your Dreams.

Ladies and gentlemen, please give a warm welcome to the President of the Rink Academy, Mr. Snook Draddots!

SnookDraddots: Thank you. Good evening.
SnookDraddots: Tonight is a historic occasion. It is the first annual event in which we will remember RinkChat Archives and reward them and their participants for excellence. The RinkChat Archives serve an important function in our lives. They serve as witness to our times, help us remember our history, and give us direction for the future.
SnookDraddots: It is my honor and privilege to announce the host of this evening's proceedings. He is a man with whom I've worked for nearly three years now. He's a noted humorist, a meticulous archivist, an all-around good fellow, and with such profound humility that he's even acted as an uncredited writer on my own web feature, "Slapdash City," which can be found at http://www.rinkworks.com/slapdash/ , please bookmark, click the sponsor, and sign the guestbook.
SnookDraddots: Ladies and gentlemen, please put your hands together for Samuel Stoddard!

(Audience applauds wildly.)

* Sam bursts out of a giant web page, lands nimbly on stage, and greets the roaring, applauding crowd with open arms and a smile.
Sam: Hello, Rinkies!
Sam: We are here tonight to honor that staple of RinkWorks, the RinkChat Archives!
Sam: And the five nominees for Best Archive are...

Music from the orchestra wells up with a beautiful melody.

(To the tune of 'Beauty and the Beast'...)

Sam: Tale as old as time,
Sam: Strange as it may be,
Sam: Heart is rent in bits,
Sam: Then he up and splits,
Sam: Unexpectedly.
Sam:
Sam: Just a little change;
Sam: Alas, too much to mend.
Sam: Both a little scared,
Sam: Neither one prepared,
Sam: Good and Bad Stephen.
Sam:
Sam: Ever as before,
Sam: Ever as insane,
Sam: Ever as intact,
Sam: Ever just as cracked,
Sam: Both each other's bane...
Sam:
Sam: Tale as old as time,
Sam: Fission residue,
Sam: Bitter, sweet, and strange,
Sam: Finding you can change,
Sam: Learning you are two.
Sam:
Sam: Both a little scared,
Sam: Neither one prepared,
Sam: Good and Bad Stephen.

(The orchestra picks up the mood and the tempo.)

(To the tune of Chim-Chiminee.)

Sam: I'm Radebur,
Sam: Rad Radebur,
Sam: Rad Radebur-ee!
Sam: A haX0r is happy
Sam: As happy can be.
Sam: Rad Radebur,
Sam: Rad Radebur,
Sam: Rad Radebur-oo!
Sam: Oh, chats0r to me,
Sam: And I'll lol at you.
Sam: Or triX0r that BG,
Sam: 'Cause that's my job, too!
Sam:
Sam: Now that the web of deceit
Sam: Has been spun,
Sam: Can my poor victims
Sam: Deduce who's the one?
Sam: Though I spends me time
Sam: Being Darien and Sam,
Sam: I'm just foul Stephen,
Sam: Perpetrating a scam.
Sam:
Sam: Rad Radebur,
Sam: Rad Radebur,
Sam: Rad Radebur-ee!
Sam: When you lol with me,
Sam: You're in mad company.
Sam:
Sam: No where is there
Sam: A more craftier dude,
Sam: Than them wot sings,
Sam: "Radebur-ee Rad Radebur-oo!"
Sam:
Sam: That's me wot sings,
Sam: "Radebur, Radebur-ee, Rad-oo!"

(The orchestra swells to a climactic crescendo and a shiver-inducing chorus line beat.)

(To the tune of 'New York, New York'...)

Sam: Start spreading the ruse,
Sam: He's gonna get it.
Sam: Darien is in our grasp now,
Sam: Sting Two, Sting Two.
Sam:
Sam: These Radebur shoes,
Sam: Are longing for prey,
Sam: Let's bust that Darien K!
Sam: Sting Two, Sting Two.
Sam:
Sam: We want to fool him, in the chat room that doesn't sleep.
Sam: And prove we're triX0rs of all, top of the heap.
Sam:
Sam: But what I'd prefer,
Sam: To that glorious dream,
Sam: Would be to wreak revenge on that:
Sam: Stephen, Stephen!
Sam:
Sam: Though he's...GUARded now,
Sam: I'll fool him...ANYhow,
Sam: I'm after you,
Sam: Sting Two,
Sam: Sting Two!

(The orchestra picks up the pace and shimmies into a rock and roll beat.)

(To the tunes of 'Charlie Brown' and 'Yakety-Yak'....)

Sam: Fe fi fo fum,
Sam: I spit ale on the chair and then some,
Sam: Ginger Ale!
Sam: Ginger Ale!
Sam: Don't you inhale,
Sam: That Ginger Ale.
Sam: It's gonna get puked!
Sam: Just you wait and see,
Sam: (Why's everybody always yakkin' up me?)
Sam:
Sam: Who's always splashin' in the hall?
Sam: Who's always running down the wall?
Sam: Guess who! (Who, me?) Yeah, you!
Sam:
Sam: Who spills on the keyboard cool and slow?
Sam: Who fizzes up Dave's nose and then blows,
Sam: Ginger Ale!
Sam: Ginger Ale!
Sam: Don't you inhale
Sam: That Ginger Ale.
Sam: It's gonna get puked!
Sam: Just you wait and see.
Sam: (Why's everybody always yakkin' up me?)
Sam:
Sam: Yakety-yak, yakety-yak!
Sam:
Sam: Just finish cleaning up your chair!
Sam: Let's see that sticky screen cleaned bare.
Sam: Get that soda out of sight,
Sam: Or you don't chat this Friday night,
Sam: Yakety-yak!
Sam: Don't drink that.
Sam:
Sam: Yakety-yak, yakety-yak!
Sam: Yakety-yak, yakety-yak!
Sam: Yakety-yak, yakety-yak!

(The orchestra slows down, then gets jolly and happy.)

(To the tune of 'Take Me Out To the Ball Game'...)

Sam: Take me out for some dinner.
Sam: Take me out for some glop!
Sam: Put in some corn and some lima beans,
Sam: You don't care, and you know what that means,
Sam: Yes, it's munch, munch, munch,
Sam: All the veggies,
Sam: Discover each one as you go!
Sam: For it's chew, gulp, spit it out all,
Sam: That's Dave's noooodly fooood!

(The orchestra escalates to a crescendo of a finish!)

Sam: And there you have it. Thank you very much.

(WILD applause deafens the audience.)

Sam: We have a great show for you tonight.
Sam: The nominated archives are funny; some are thoughtful. Best of all, they aren't owned by unions.
Sam: Anybody here watch the Oscars? You know, a big deal was made about this year's ceremony, because they cut out all the songs and dance numbers and finished with the shortest Oscar ceremony in a number of years.
Sam: Big deal. We've got songs, we've got dances, and this will be the shortest ceremony in our entire history!

(Audience laughs wildly.)

Sam: Let me go over the rules a bit and explain how things are going to work tonight.
Sam: Mountain Stream is moderated, but the three public rooms just across the hall may be used for cheering and jeering and commenting on the show as it proceeds, so you might want to keep two windows open, one here and one there.
Sam: When an individual award is announced -- that's an award that goes to a person rather than an archive -- that person will be permitted some time to make an acceptance speech in THIS room. Acceptance speeches are the heart of the show, so you'll be given ample time to speak. We'll cut you off if you're still going after an hour or so.
Sam: When an archive award is announced, consider it an award for all the participants in the archive. There won't be any acceptance speeches in here, but you can deliver acceptance speeches in one of the commentary rooms, and the archivist (that's me!) will pick it up.
Sam: Please note that this is a no-smoking room only. In fact there is no smoking anywhere in the RinkChat building. If you'd like to smoke, please exit the building and smoke at least 20 feet from the door to keep the doorways clear of smoke for those entering and exiting the building.
Sam: In the event of a fire, please shut your browsers down immediately, to keep the fire from spreading into your home.
Sam: Well, now that the preliminaries are out of the way, let me introduce my co-host to you. Please welcome, HostBot!
HostBot has been summoned.
HostBot: Glad to be here.
Sam: HostBot is going to help out with the announcement of the awards.
Sam: Speaking of which, HostBot, let's give out the first award.
HostBot: The Best First Appearance in an Archive award is given in recognition of the most interesting, funny, or otherwise remarkable first appearance in a RinkChat archive. No one is ever eligible for this award more than once in a lifetime.
HostBot: And the nominees for the Best First Appearance in an Archive Award are...
HostBot: * Aries21, in "The Affair"
HostBot: * Ayako, in "People Bots"
HostBot: * Dave, in "Dave Makes Dinner"
HostBot: * Faux_Pas, in "Safari"
HostBot: * flyingcats, in "The Affair"
HostBot: * Liface, in "I Have Eyes Everywhere"
HostBot: And the winner is...
Sam: Draw it out a little, HostBot. No sense rushing things.
HostBot: Ok, Sam. I'll go out for a pizza.
HostBot: Ha! Just kidding.
HostBot: Dave, in "Dave Makes Dinner"
RinkChat: User Dave has been unquieted by Sam.
Sam: Is Dave in the house?
* Dave leaps to the stage crazily
Dave: Yes! I rule!
Dave: Back when "Dave Makes Dinner" was made, most of you hadn't even heard of RinkChat
Dave: This was a good thing.
Dave: For those of you who *were* around back in those formative days, thank you! You helped make this possible tonight.
Dave: I'd also like to thank... Well, myself.
Dave: For being so funny.
Dave: And Stephen.
Dave: For not even being nominated in this category.
Dave: Not that I wouldn't have won anyway.
Dave: It's a privilege and an honor to have won the very first RinkAward given out on this very special night. Thank you, and I hope to be up here several more times!
* Dave leaps off the stage

The orchestra plays something.

Sam: Congratulations, Dave!
Sam: We'll move right along to our next award. HostBot?
HostBot: The Best Pun award is given in recognition of the most humorous, creative, cringe-inducing, and/or well-delivered pun.
HostBot: And the nominees for the Best Pun Award are...
HostBot: * Nyperold, for "cashew," in "Baby Food"
HostBot: * Nyperold, for "do not defy your Kraft," in "Cheesy Cheese"
HostBot: * Nyperold, for "hummus a tune," in "Hampered By Pun Death"
HostBot: * Darien, for "Issachariffic," in "Group Therapy"
HostBot: * Nyperold, for "rise again...yeast he could do," in "Hampered By Pun Death"
HostBot: * Nyperold, for "yodels in hominy...2-pot hominy," in "Hampered By Pun Death"
HostBot: And the winner is...
HostBot: Nyperold, for "yodels in hominy...2-pot hominy," in "Hampered By Pun Death"
RinkChat: User Nyperold has been unquieted by Sam.
Sam: Nyperold! Is there a Nyperold in the house?
* Nyperold runs toward the stage, crashing through the front and out the back.
Sam: Apparently not anymore.
* Nyperold climbs up from the back.
Nyperold: Don't worry folks, I'm just going through a stage.
Nyperold: I'm honored to be presented with the award for Best Pun.
Nyperold: I'd like to thank my dad, who taught me about puns, and Sam and Mousie for instigating the "Hampered" archive.
* Nyperold exits the stage by fading out...

The orchestra plays!

RinkChat: User Nyperold has been quieted by Sam.
Sam: Over the course of the evening, we'll have performances of some of the improvised songs and recitations of some of the improvised poems that have appeared in the archives over the last year. It is my very special privilege to introduce a very special guest who will sing the first of the evening's archived song performances.
Sam: Please welcome...
Sam: ...the one and only...
Sam: ...Placido Domingo!
Placido_Domingo: 0 stupid day 0 stupid day
Placido_Domingo: how great and crazy and stupid are you
Placido_Domingo: you have no equal, you are really dumb
Placido_Domingo: i like to lick my thumb
Placido_Domingo: sometimes i can be a pain
Placido_Domingo: but 0verall, i like champain!!!!!
Sam: Placido Domingo, ladies and gentlemen!

The audience roars.

Sam: HostBot, you're up!
HostBot: The Best Anecdotal Archive award is given in recognition of the most interesting, entertaining, enlightening, and/or original archive that consists primarily of the exchange of anecdotes. The award is given to the archive itself; all participants may share credit for making it as good as it is.
HostBot: And the nominees for the Best Anecdotal Archive Award are...
HostBot: * Bleeding Excessively
HostBot: * Death By Science
HostBot: * Some Form of I.D.
HostBot: * Stupid Teachers
HostBot: * WHAMMO!
HostBot: And the winner is...
HostBot: WHAMMO!
Sam: Congratulations to the participants of "WHAMMO!" Acceptance speeches may be made in the commentary rooms during this next segment.
Sam: Over the course of the evening, we'll be featuring each of the five Best Archive nominees. The first is Split Stephen, a psychological tour de force. Stephen Keller plays the dual role of Good Stephen and Bad Stephen and, with a high adrenaline spirit of adventure, illustrates how the human condition is in a natural state of conflict.
Sam: From the innocuous opening to the explosive climactic finale ending, Split Stephen is a detached yet engrossing, thoughtful yet reflective commentary on family values and fun violence. Let's watch.

Stephen: DIE ALL YOU PUNY nice people
Stephen: I WILL FREAKING RIP OFF YOUR HEADS and give you roses and hugs!!!!!
Stephen: HAHAHA DAVE YOU ARE SUCKh a nice person1!!
* Sam stabs Stephen in the heart with a funnel and pours in toxic sludge.
* Brunnen_G has flashbacks to the Microsoft hiring procedure
Stephen: AGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH i wont go i wont i wont i wont
* Stephen explodes
Stephen has left.
Good_Stephen has entered.
Good_Stephen: Oh ho! I have survived!
Sam: NOOOOOOOOOO
Bad_Stephen has entered.
Bad_Stephen: HAHAHAHA! I'VE WON!
Good_Stephen: Oh my! What's this!?

(fade out)

Audience applauds discreetly.

Sam: We have just been informed by our technical advisors (me) that those of you with new text appearing at the top of your windows won't have seen that montage clip with the proper formatting.
Sam: This technical problem has been remedied for future montages.
Sam: Thanks to the tech crew for keeping the show running smoothly!
Sam: And now, we move on to our next award.
HostBot: The Best Kick award is given in recognition of the most appropriate, well-timed, and/or humorous kick. This award has dual winners; it is presented to both the kicker and the kickee.
HostBot: And the nominees for the Best Kick Award are...
HostBot: * Dave kicks Sam, in "The Admin War of the Ages" (first)
HostBot: * Sam kicks Dave, in "The Admin War of the Ages"
HostBot: * Dave kicks Sam, in "The Banning of Sam"
HostBot: * Dave kicks Darien, in "The Great Ginger Ale Tragedy" (first)
HostBot: * Dave kicks Everybody, in "Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?"
HostBot: And the winner is...
HostBot: Dave kicks Everybody, in "Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?"
RinkChat: User Dave has been unquieted by Sam.
* Dave leaps to the stage again
Dave: YES! I am the best kicker EVER!
Dave: The best part about this award is that all of you had to be kicked out of the chat room in order for me to win it.
Dave: I'd also like to thank Liface, for making this kick more memorable than it might otherwise have been by managing to evade me.
Dave: I'll get you next time, you little twerp.
RinkChat: User Dave has been quieted by Sam.
Sam: Remember Dave, you share that award with EVERYBODY!
HostBot: The Best Ban award is given in recognition of the most appropriate, well-timed, and/or humorous ban. This award has dual winners; it is presented to both the banner and the bannee.
HostBot: And the nominees for the Best Ban Award are...
HostBot: * Dave bans Sam, in "The Banning of Sam"
HostBot: * Stephen bans Stephen2_0, in "A Brawl of Ghosts and Evil People"
HostBot: * Sam bans Sam, in "A RinkChat Retrospective"
HostBot: * Mia bans Ticia, in "Sororital Spat"
HostBot: And the winner is...
HostBot: Dave bans Sam, in "The Banning of Sam"
RinkChat: User Dave has been unquieted by Sam.
* Dave turns around and comes back onto the stage.
Sam: I'd like to thank my wife and family. And I'd like to thank my kicking foot, and my quieting gag, and my banning fists, for without them it would not have been nearly so cool for me to get banned.
Dave: I don't get why I have to share this award. I banned *you*, and you get rewarded for that?
Sam: Basically.
Dave: Anyway, I'd like to thank everyone who voted for ME.
Dave: I'd also like to request that you let me get all the way to my seat this time before you give me another award. This is getting tiring.
* Dave waves and exits AGAIN
RinkChat: User Dave has been quieted by Sam.
Sam: Our next guest is a scientist and a gentleman. He has won two Phantanymph Peace prizes and a Skywood award for his achievements in magic and science.
Sam: On RinkWorks, he co-starred in Story Hunt. Please give a warm welcome for Egollia, the sorcerer-scientist!
Egollia: The Scientific and Technical Sammies were awarded in ceremonies held earlier.
Egollia: These awards were given out in recognition of achievements in science, engineering, and technology, which advance the chatting medium in which archives are created.
Egollia: Sam won the Best RinkChat Improvement award for his work on the dynamic room feature of RinkChat. Sam also won the Best RinkWorks Webmaster award for his work as webmaster of RinkWorks. Sam also won the Best Host of Ceremonies award, for his work as host of ceremonies. Leen and Grishny tied in the Best Graphical Achievement category for the production of graphical smileys for use in RinkChat.
Egollia: Congratulations to all the winners.
Sam: Thank you, Egollia!

Audience applauds discreetly.

Sam: Our next guest is a favored star of a great many archives. He's appeared in "The Sting, Part I," "The Sting, Part II," and "Stoic Death Plotting," and he's put in many long hours making RinkChat a brighter place.
Sam: Please give a warm welcome to the one, the only, Radebur!
RinkChat: User Radebur has been unquieted by Sam.
Radebur: hello peeps!!!!!!!!!!!!
* Radebur FROTGOT to take the stage lolol!!!!!!~
Radebur: me wskalks up and takes teh stage
Radebur: ok, tihs is the thing sam made me reed::
Radebur: teh majik of archives is comes n-ot from wut is sed
Radebur: but also who said it.
Radebur: i mean was there
Radebur: okey, this is long!!!!!!! LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!LOL!
Radebur: here is the stuff:
Radebur: best nonspeaker guy is nominations:
Radebur: Brunnen-G, in "How the Grishny Stole RinkMas"
Radebur: ladybluebird, in "Self-Chat"
Radebur: Mina (as minamoon), in "Self-Chat"
Radebur: Nobody, in "The Flame War"
Radebur: Sam, in "The Banning of Sam"
Radebur: a winner is:............................ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LOLOLOL!!! j/k
Radebur: reel winner is: Brunnen-G, in "How the Grishny Stole RinkMas"
RinkChat: User Brunnen_G has been unquieted by Sam.
* Brunnen_G walks up on stage, takes the award, avoids Radebur's congratulatory kiss, looks around trying to think of a speech, gives up, and goes to sit down again.
RinkChat: User Brunnen_G has been quieted by Sam.
Sam: Congratulations, Brunnen-G!
Sam: And now we come at last to a short break.
Sam: The RinkAwards will resume in five minutes!
Sam: And we're back!
Sam: Our next guest, who will recite two improvised archive poems, is a world renowned author and poet. His popular children's books include "The Giving Tree" and "The Missing Piece." Please welcome, Shel Silverstein!
ShelSilverstein: I like Diet Coke
ShelSilverstein: I do not like Ginger Ale
ShelSilverstein: Darien is dumb.
ShelSilverstein: *
ShelSilverstein: I like to laugh when
ShelSilverstein: Dave coughs ginger ale all over
ShelSilverstein: and blames it on me.
Sam: Shel Silverstein, ladies and gentlemen!

Audience cheers.

HostBot: The Best Self-Chat Archive award is given in recognition of the most interesting, entertaining, humorous, enlightening, and/or original self-chat archive. Unlike the other "Best Archive" awards, this one is given directly to the one responsible for it.
HostBot: And the nominees for the Best Self-Chat Archive Award are...
HostBot: * Brunnen-G, for "Self-Parking"
HostBot: * Darien, for "Another Self-Chat"
HostBot: * Dave, for "Self-Chat"
HostBot: And the winner is...
HostBot: Dave, for "Self-Chat"
RinkChat: User Dave has been unquieted by Sam.
Sam: Dave, if you get tired, I can "help" you with some of those awards.
* Dave walks to the stage
Dave: Well, being the inventor of the entire self-chat genre, this award was really academic.
Dave: Well, being the inventor of the entire self-chat genre, this award was really academic.
* Dave turns to the sound man. "Dude, turn down the mike, we're getting a nasty echo..."
Dave: Still, I'd like to thank everyone who made this possible.
Dave: Namely, me.
Dave: Thanks Dave.
* Dave waves and returns to his seat.
RinkChat: User Dave has been quieted by Sam.
Sam: Our next guests have had long and distinguished careers. They've worked together in several RinkWorks archives, including, "Group Therapy" and "The Admin War of the Ages," and they've even collaborated on RinkWorks features such as "The Duel of the Ages" and "Adventure Games Live."
Sam: Tonight they are both nominated in the Best Alternate Personality category. Please give a warm welcome to Blood Drops and Darius Longshore!
* Blood_Drops deadpans into the microphone.
Blood_Drops: Sound effects are very important in archives. They contribute to the atmosphere of the archives, lending them an additional aura of atmosphere that the words do not.
* DariusLongshore clears his throat.
DariusLongshore: Yes. Without onomatopoeias, we would not be able to shout in triumph or in pain when we kill each other.
Blood_Drops: That is true. For example, when I do this...
* Blood_Drops takes a plunger to Darius' eye and sucks it out.
DariusLongshore: Eerfguuah.
Blood_Drops: ...then Darius can express pain.
DariusLongshore: And when I do this...
* DariusLongshore stuffs a food mixer down Blood Drops' throat and turns it on.
Blood_Drops: Blurglubble.
DariusLongshore: ...then Blood Drops can express excruciation.
DariusLongshore: Oh?
Blood_Drops: You know, Darius, you even had an archived onomatopoeia this year.
Blood_Drops: Heh heh. Darius, you are getting ahead of yourself. "Oh?" was supposed to come after my comment.
DariusLongshore: Oh?
Blood_Drops: Yes, it was "mrflngl," and it was a great expression of suppressed feelings.
DariusLongshore: Why, thank you.
Blood_Drops: Before we introduce the Best Onomatopoeia award, let's listen to a montage of onomatopoeias taken from the past year. Darius, would you do the honors?
DariusLongshore: Why, certainly.
DariusLongshore: A giddy yup, a boom baba boom baba, Aa, AAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaa, AAAAAAAAAAAUGH, Äääääääääääääääääääääähhh, aaaaaaaAAAAAAH, AAAAAGH, AAAIIEEEEEEEEEEEEE, Aaaiiiieeeghh, aaauuuggghhh, AA-CHOO!!! AA-CHOO!!! AA-CHOO!! AGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH, Ahh! Dabeedo aeee! AHHHHHHGGGG, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH, AIEEE, Arf arf arf, arg! OUCH OUCH OUCH!!!! ARRR! WHOOO! WHOO! ARRRUGHHH, Bah! HaRUMPH! BAM, Blecch, blech! ew ew ew!, bleck, Blorg, buch buch buchhhhhhhhh Kissy, bzztt..bztzztztz..helpBZTZ*zot*BLAMMO, Cashew, Choooooo-Choooooooo, Chug-a-lug-lug, chug, chug, chug, chug, hisssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss, Clongk, Dah, eeeeee, EEEEEK!!!! EW EW EW!!! eep, erf, Fuff fuff, FWAZZAZZAPP, gaacK, grmble grlmdmfov ajofe. Duh? GRRRRRARRRRRGGG, Gugggg, hAhahAHAShasahahah, hee hee hee hee hee, Heeheehehehehehehhahahaahhhhoohhoooohohohooho, hhhhahhhahhhahhhhhahhhhahhhhhahhhhhhhhhh, Hissss, hkkk! hoikk! hurmph, ka-blammo, kisssmoochsmackluvamushnessMMMmmmmmmwwwwaaaH, KKAAAAAA, la dee dee dee dee dee dee doo dooooooo, la dee doo la la la dee dee deeeeeeeeeeee, laaaaaa, doo doo doo doooooooo, Mmmmmmmwwwwwaaahaaahhh smoochy smoocy, Mmmmmwaaah, Mmmwwwuuuuoooaaaaahhhhh! Mmmmmph, mmmmmph, mrflngl, MWA HAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHA, nnnnngggggghhh, oinks?! omph, Oooo! AAhhhhh! Eeeee! Oooo-iiiiii..bibibibibibibi-iiiiii..bibibibibi..iiiiii-ayahayahay-ayah, oroooo.. ..urk.. Pah, pbwhhhhh, Pfffffffffffffffff, pffpfpfpfhpfhp, Pheh, POIT, PPPBBBBTTH, Ptuo, Ptuo, PUHLease, ROOOOAAAAR, RUF RUF, Schring, SLASH, smoochy smmoooochie smoopCHY, SPOOO, teeheeheee, TKKCHKHTKHCTKHKHTKCHKCHCKTHKCH, uhhhh hhhh hh, Urk, vrrrrrRRRRRRRMMMMMM, wammo, Weeee, WHAAAAAAA, WHAM! WHAMMO, Wheeee, WHOAAAAA, whooooooooo, Whoohoohoohoo, WHOOOHOOOO, Wooooooooaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh, yaayyy, Yay!! Woo hooo!!!! YIPPEEEEE! Yeek, Yick, YOWCH, ZAAAAAP, ZAAAAPPP, ZZZZTT.
Blood_Drops: Wow, that's a lot of onomatopoeias!
DariusLongshore: Yes, it is!
Blood_Drops: But down to business.
DariusLongshore: The Best Onomatopoeia award is given in recognition of the most creative and appropriate onomatopoeia, that is, a word whose pronunciation sounds like the sound or noise it represents.
Blood_Drops: And the nominees for Best Onomatopoeia are:
Blood_Drops: Ferrick, for "A giddy yup, a boom baba boom baba," in "RinkLympics"
DariusLongshore: Morris (as eric), for "Äääääääääääääääääääääähhh," in "Crazy Insane Play Supreme"
Blood_Drops: Brunnen-G (as CyborgFemale17), for "bzztt...bztzztztz...helpBZTZ *zot* BLAMMO," in "A Brawl of Ghosts and Evil People"
DariusLongshore: Mousie, for "kisssmoochsmackluvamushnessMMMmmmmmmwwwwaaaH," in "Tired By So Much Late"
Blood_Drops: ...and, Issachar, for "Oooo-iiiiii....bibibibibibibi-iiiiii....bibibibibi....iiiiii-ayahayahay-ayah!!!!" in "Safari"
DariusLongshore: And the winner is...
* Blood_Drops and Darius Longshore announce, Mousie, for "kisssmoochsmackluvamushnessMMMmmmmmmwwwwaaaH," in "Tired By So Much Late"
RinkChat: User Ferrick has been unquieted by Sam.
Ferrick: Mousie asked me to accept this award for her since she is with the French.
Ferrick: And I'm sure she would want to tell you, "De doo doo doo, de da da da, that's all I want to say to you."
Ferrick: That and "Free Tibet!"
* Ferrick hopes Mousie is watching via satellite.
* Ferrick notices the toilet paper on his shoe and quickly exits.
RinkChat: User Ferrick has been quieted by Sam.
Sam: Our second Best Archive nominee, Dave Makes Dinner, is a whimsical tour de force. David J. Parker plays himself as a man who must confront the harshness of reality face to face and brave the elements of his kitchen, man against nature.
Sam: Underneath this gentlehearted comedy is a savage undercurrent of survival.
Sam: Let's watch. And hopefully this time the technicians have sorted out the monitor.
Dave: Mmm. I wonder how old those vegetables i found in the freezer were...
Nyperold: What color are they?
Dave: Well, the peas are green, and so are the beans. The carrots look normal but taste a little strange. Then there are a bunch of lima beans that I'm trying not to eat at all.
Wolf: Oh GROSS. Frozen lima beans. They're barely edible when they're fresh.
* Sam nor Leen like Lima Beans.
Dave: But I don't think frozen vegetables ever go bad if you keep them frozen, do they?
Leen: they do if they get frostbit
Dave: I hate lima beans, which is why I'm trying not to eat them. It's not working well, though.
Brunnen_G: I never freeze vegetables
Dave: Well, they're frozen vegetables from the store. They came that way.
Dave: And I think they might have had a touch of freezer burn. But oh well.
Wolf: You gotta learn projectile eating for the parts that aren't edible, Dave.
Brunnen_G: Wolf: No, just projectile, um, projecting. You hurl them out the window when nobody's looking
* Sam wonders what "projectile eating" is.
* Brunnen_G wonders too, but doesn't really want to know
Dave: I think it's like spitting out the stuff you don't like.
* Leen knows it is time to do dishes when she takes a glass out of the cupboards, puts it on the counter, takes a drink out of the fridge, and then can't remember which is the clean glass. :-)
Dave: Hey! There's corn in here!

(fade out)

Sam: Great job tech guys. STILL BORKEN.
HostBot: The Best Sound Effects Transcription award is the given in recognition of the archive with the best overall representation of tone of voice and sound effects other than simple speech. The award is given to the archive itself; all participants may share credit for making it as good as it is in this area.
HostBot: And the nominees for the Best Sound Effects Transcription Award are...
HostBot: * The Admin War of the Ages
HostBot: * BatDarien vs. the Jokestah
HostBot: * Crazy Insane Play Supreme
HostBot: * Safari
HostBot: * WHAMMO!
HostBot: And the winner is...
HostBot: Safari
Sam: Jubilate, ye participants of Safari!
Sam: Our next guest is me.
Sam: It's time to turn back the pages and remember the holidays of yesteryear, and also, since they are annual, the holidays of tomoyear.
Sam:
Sam: I'll
Sam: be home
Sam: for Stupid Day...
Sam: If I can find my way.
Sam: Though it might be hard
Sam: (I'm stuck in the yard)
Sam: I'll do my best and pray....
Sam:
Sam: Stupid Eve will find me
Sam: Playing with barbed wire.
Sam: I'll be home for Stupid Day,
Sam: If I don't lose my way.

Audience applauds courteously.

Sam: Hit it, HostBot!
HostBot: The Best Improvised Adventure Archive award is given in recognition of the most interesting, entertaining, and/or funny archive that consists of an imagined episode or adventure that is improvised by multiple chatters in collaboration with one another. The award is given to the archive itself; all participants may share credit for making it as good as it is.
HostBot: And the nominees for the Best Improvised Episode Archive Award are...
HostBot: * BatDarien vs. the Jokestah
HostBot: * The Case of the Mangled Wrap
HostBot: * How the Grishny Stole RinkMas
HostBot: * Quest For Leen
HostBot: * Split Stephen
HostBot: * Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?
HostBot: And the winner is...
HostBot: Split Stephen
Sam: Congratulations to the Split Steven crew!
Sam: (Also congratulations to the Split STEPHEN crew. Leen, take a note. If I die, Stephen did it.)
Sam: Haste makes waste, but dilly-dallying makes...something else. HostBot, let's have our next award!
HostBot: The Best Label award is given in recognition of the most amusing, creative, appropriate, profound, or otherwise entertaining label. The award is given to the labeler, but the labelee may glory in the knowledge of being the instrument of greatness.
HostBot: And the nominees for the Best Label Award are...
HostBot: * Mia labeling Mia "babe!?!" in "Crazy Insane Play Supreme"
HostBot: * Sam labeling Sakura "Born 1497" in "Songs and Getting Older"
HostBot: * Morris labeling Morris "born LAST WEEK." in "Songs and Getting Older"
HostBot: * Silvercup labeling Silvercup "7-op" in "Hey! There's Corn In Here!"
HostBot: * Morris for having Sam label Vinny ""The Nose" Pastrati" in "Wreakers of Things"
HostBot: And the winner is...
HostBot: Mia labeling Mia "babe!?!" in "Crazy Insane Play Supreme"
RinkChat: User Mia has been unquieted by Sam.
Sam: Mia? Mia? Is there a Mia in the house?
* Sam will wait for three hours and NO MORE.
Sam: Ladies and gentlemen, Mia IS in the house and having technical difficulties. Please be patient while we entertain you with some music.

The orchestra plays some happy little music.

Mia: Oh! Wow! I'm speechless...I don't know what to say. Well, I'd just like to thank all the little people who voted for me! And thank you Sam for being such a great creator of RinkWorks! Thanks everyone!
* Mia cries happily as she accepts her award.
RinkChat: User Mia has been quieted by Sam.
Sam: Our next guest is one of the youngest, hottest stars of our generation. Or, at least, of, like, this year.
Sam: She will sing one of the three nominated songs for Best Improvised Song or Poem. Please welcome Britney Spears!
Britney_Spears: Dave, who woos chicks constantly,
* Britney_Spears bumps and grinds.
Britney_Spears: Dave, who cooks one-pot-stantly,
* Britney_Spears makes a funny face in a close-up.
Britney_Spears: Dave who strikes some manly poses,
* Britney_Spears struts and thrashes her arms up and down.
Britney_Spears: Dave, with bubbleses up his noses,
* Britney_Spears gets her hair in her eyes when she swings to face the camera.
Britney_Spears: Dave, we often question his diet,
* Britney_Spears gyrates luridly.
Britney_Spears: BUT STILL are proud he's our little riot.
* Britney_Spears smiles and gleams.
Sam: Let's hear it for Britney Spears!

SKILLIONS of screaming teenage fans SQUEAL and SCREAM and SHRIEK and FREAK!

Sam: Our next guest has been in a few different RinkChat archives. She's become critically-acclaimed as a master villainess in such archives as "Rumble!" and "Split Stephen."
Sam: Please welcome, the one and only...Moonstar!
RinkChat: User Moonstar has been unquieted by Sam.
Moonstar: (Someone is going to pay for making me do this...)
Sam: (Er...heh heh...ahem.)
Moonstar: I'm Moonstar, but you all know that already...
Moonstar: And let me just say before I say the nominations that I should have been nominated, and you all have the judgment of garden slugs.
Moonstar: ::ahem::
Moonstar: The Best Alternate Personality is given in recognition of the most creative, funny, convincing, memorable, and/or thoroughly-developed alternate, fictional personality that appears in the chat room and delivers a consistent performance.
Moonstar: And the nominees are... (I'm not among them, thank you all VERY much)
Moonstar: - Dave, for DariusLongshore
Moonstar: - Sam, for Blood_Drops
Moonstar: - Stephen, for Good_Stephen
Moonstar: - Stephen, for Radebur
Moonstar: - Stephen, for Stephen2_0
Moonstar: And the winner is........
Moonstar: (It should be me, but...)
Moonstar: Stephen, for Radebur.
RinkChat: User Stephen has been unquieted by Sam.
* Stephen climbs over the crowd, Roberto Benigni style
Moonstar: I don't think I'll ever understand how you got it for Radebur, but...
Moonstar: Congratulations, I suppose.
* Moonstar grudgingly hands over the award.
Stephen: Okay, first off, I'd like to thank Radebur, who couldn't be here. (He got lost on his way back from the stage last time, or the crash killed him. One of the two.)
Stephen: Secondly, I'd like to say that I don't quite get how I won this, since I am NOT Radebur.
Stephen: Also, Dave sucks. The end.
* Stephen goes back to his seat.
RinkChat: User Moonstar has been quieted by Sam.
RinkChat: User Stephen has been quieted by Sam.
Sam: Our third Best Archive nominee, Sting I, is a con-man's tour de force. Stephen and Brunnen-G interlock wits in this calamitous battle of strongheaded deceit and cunning. As they engage in the conspiracy about the identity of Radebur, we are engaged in the conspiracy, too, as it reels us in, winding our faculties up in the chemistry of the performers. Let's watch, on this broken monitor.
Brunnen_G: What does "Radebur" mean?
Radebur: brunnen_g it is from a book
Brunnen_G: If you're really new to this site, you should read Sam's Book-A-Minute. It kind of stinks. Sam's not very good at things like that.
Brunnen_G: He likes to think he's funny, but he isn't.
Radebur: who is asm?
Radebur: i mean sam
eric_sleator: radebur: you
Radebur: eric no i am radebur or terry
* Stephen grows tired of this. Come on Sam!

(fade out)

Audience applauds!

HostBot: The Best Closing Line award is given in recognition of the best final line in an archive. Here you may view a list of all the closing lines to all the eligible archives.
HostBot: And the nominees for the Best Closing Line Award are...
HostBot: * Mousie, for "The Admin War of the Ages"
HostBot: * Sam, for "Adventures With Uploading"
HostBot: * Morris (as eric), for "Bleeding Excessively"
HostBot: * Brunnen-G, for "A Flash In the Eye"
HostBot: * Morris (as eric), for "Safari"
HostBot: * Dave, for "Self-Chat"
HostBot: * Brunnen-G, for "Tired By So Much Late"
HostBot: * Leen, for "Wreakers of Things"
HostBot: And the winner is...
HostBot: Ladies and gentlemen, we have a tie! The winners are:
HostBot: Mousie, for "The Admin War of the Ages"
HostBot: Morris (as eric), for "Safari"
HostBot: ...and...
HostBot: Leen, for "Wreakers of Things"
RinkChat: User Leen has been unquieted by Sam.
* Sam accepts the award on behalf of Mousie with a "Yay me!" and accepts the award on behalf of Morris with a "SWEET MOTHER OF MERCY."
* Leen wakes up and stumbles onto the stage.
Leen: Tankoo tankoo tankoo!!!
Leen: CHOCOLATE!!
* Leen crawls back off the stage and curls up on the floor under the table and falls asleep.
RinkChat: User Leen has been quieted by Sam.
Sam: I have in my left hand a copy of tonight's Top Five list.
Sam: Yes, this is the part of the evening where we honor a very distinguished archive. Of the nine prank archives this year, "Top Five" was one of ONLY TWO...not to get a nomination.
Sam: So this is a very special archive.
Sam: Tonight's Top Five list: "The Top 5 Reasons Why This Year's Sammies Are Better Than This Year's Oscars."
Sam: Are we ready?
Sam: "The Top 5 Reasons Why This Year's Sammies Are Better Than This Year's Oscars."
Sam: Number 5. Radebur is more likely to drool on Dave.
Sam: Number 4. Mountain Stream was freshly renovated. The Shrine Auditorium still needs repairs from damage inflicted by Roberto Benigni's acceptance speeches.
Sam: Number 3. Between the movies and the archives, Morris had the most outrageous outfit.
Sam: Number 2. When asked if Bob Dylan would perform a song at the Sammies, he replied, "No if I type lyrics out, someone might understand me."
Sam: And the number one reason why this year's Sammies are better than this year's Oscars:
Sam: No Roman epics.
Sam: There you have it, ladies and gentlemen!
HostBot: The Best Prank Archive award is given in recognition of the best practical joke archive. The award is given to the archive itself; all participants, including the victim(s), may share credit for making it as good as it is.
HostBot: And the nominees for the Best Prank Archive Award are...
HostBot: * Adventures With Uploading
HostBot: * The Banning of Sam
HostBot: * I Have Eyes Everywhere
HostBot: * The Revenge of Sam
HostBot: * The Revenge of Sam, Part II
HostBot: * The Sting, Part I
HostBot: * The Sting, Part II
HostBot: And the winner is...
HostBot: The Sting, Part II
Sam: WHAT a shocker!
Sam: This is an AMAZING night, ladies and gentlemen. Participants of Sting II, revel in your glory.
HostBot: The Best 733t ahX0r award goes in recognition of the one with the most convincing, creative, and funny impersonation of a, well, 733t ahX0r.
HostBot: And the nominees for the Best 733t ahX0r Award are...
HostBot: * Darien, in "Dudes To Be Feared"
HostBot: * Liface, in "Mrs. Girlagong"
HostBot: * Mousie, in "Mrs. Girlagong"
HostBot: * Sam, in "Dudes To Be Feared"
HostBot: * Stephen, in "Dudes To Be Feared"
HostBot: And the winner is...
Sam: This was a close one, HostBot. Drag it out.
HostBot: Liface, in "Mrs. Girlagong"
RinkChat: User Liface has been unquieted by Sam.
Liface: i am t3h best haX0r!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1 i am the best i wanna give a shooT out to al7 y aHX0r budDEis darein, stehp3n, sam,, and fo7ex i will ahx0r you!!!!!!1~~~~~~
Liface: TEH RESON WHY RINKCHAT WAS BORKEN IS BCUZ I AHX0-red IT !!!
Liface: AHAHA!
Liface: Mr. Duppy is teh best ahx0rl.
Liface: I would like to thank Lowtax, of Something Awful, for creating the Jeff K. character.
Liface: That inspired me to talk li3k a H4X0r!!!
RinkChat: User Liface has been quieted by Sam.
Sam: Our next guest is a legend in the world of music. She demands only the best from herself, and it is that great self-discipline and perfectionism that has earned her her fame.
Sam: Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome, Aretha Franklin!
Aretha_Franklin: min-a-moon,
Aretha_Franklin: you're not made of tin-a-moon
Aretha_Franklin: I like to pinch my skin-a-moon
Aretha_Franklin: min-a-moon
Sam: Thank you Aretha Franklin, that was LOVELY!
Sam: And now, the moment you've all been waiting for...
Sam: Or at least a moment that some of you might have been waiting for...
HostBot: The Best Conversational Archive award is given in recognition of the most interesting, entertaining, enlightening, and/or original archive that is casually conversational in nature, that is, in which normal communication is given priority over intentional creation of entertainment. Anecdotal archives, a genre that bridges the two, are not eligible for this award. The award is given to the archive itself; all participants may share credit for making it as good as it is.
HostBot: And the nominees for the Best Conversational Archive Award are...
HostBot: * Dave Makes Dinner
HostBot: * A Flash In the Eye
HostBot: * The Great Ginger Ale Tragedy
HostBot: * Hey! There's Corn In Here!
HostBot: * Nuclear Monsters From the Sea
HostBot: * Tired By So Much Late
HostBot: And the winner is...
HostBot: The Great Ginger Ale Tragedy
Sam: Congrats to the Ginger Ale crew. We'll be sending you our cleaning bill.

Audience yuk yuk yuks hysterically.

Sam: Our fourth Best Archive nominee, Sting II, is another con-man's tour de force. Stephen and Brunnen-G reprise their roles, but this time there is a new element, a new complication, a new wrinkle. There is a new victim -- or is there? This winding labyrinth of conspiracy and betrayal has one twist after another, a relentless parade of things whose appearances are seldom as they appear. Let's watch.
Radebur: craig u know i am terry tell them all
Darien: B_G: Craig? Really?
Brunnen_G: Darien: I have no idea how he knows that.
Stephen: BG: Seriously? No way.
Brunnen_G: Stephen: It has to be Sam, he's the only one who knows that.
Radebur: This is the Ghost of Radebur.... I am someone not in this room at all... or maybe I'm really just a total idiot that has you all confused. (Sam is the rulingest guy in here, only he knows for sure)
gremlinn007: It's DAVE!
Radebur: okay i think darien brooke this chat again its hacked me once mroe
Nyperold: Who's brooke?
Darien: Everyone's against me. You're all a pack of ringleaders. :-P
Stephen: Darien: Yeah, I know I'm against you. They paid me off. Sorry
* Darien puts his hands over his head and weeps
Darien: Will someone please tell me what this is all about?

(fade out)

Audience applauds discreetly.

Sam: Our next guest is one of the stars of the RinkWorks feature Story Hunt. He's an accomplished actor, a powerful warrior, and a good man.
Sam: From Eldradi, Arizona, please welcome Kinegar Kyer!
Kinegar_Kyer: Your exuberant applause is appropriate.
Kinegar_Kyer: I'm a little underdressed for the occasion in this loincloth and all. No need to thank me.
Kinegar_Kyer: Telling stories is an essential and entertaining component of the art of conversation. The Best Anecdote award was established to honor those who are almost as interesting as me.
Kinegar_Kyer: It is given in recognition of the most thoughtful, humorous, entertaining, and/or artfully told anecdote from the year's archives.
Kinegar_Kyer: And the nominees are:
Kinegar_Kyer: Dave, for "Backward Handlebars," in "WHAMMO!"
Kinegar_Kyer: Dave, for "Banned For Life For Two Months," in "Mischief In School"
Kinegar_Kyer: Dave, for "Big Bench Battering Ram," in "WHAMMO!"
Kinegar_Kyer: Dave, for "Ski Jump Hip Accident," in "Bleeding Excessively"
Kinegar_Kyer: Darien, for "Baking Burn," in "Bleeding Excessively"
Kinegar_Kyer: Sam, for "Drunk Play in Two Acts," in "WHAMMO!"
Kinegar_Kyer: Sam, for "Wrong Car," in "WHAMMO!"
Kinegar_Kyer: ...and Ticia, for "Don't Shake a Sick Person," in "Stupid Teachers"
Kinegar_Kyer: And the winner is...
Kinegar_Kyer: Sam, for "Drunk Play in Two Acts," in "WHAMMO!"
* Kinegar_Kyer SHRIEKS in surprise and bounces, misty-eyed, up to the microphone!
Kinegar_Kyer: Oh wait.
Kinegar_Kyer: Sam?
* Sam SHRIEKS in surprise and bounces, misty-eyed, up to the microphone!
Sam: I love the world; I'm so happy!!
Sam: I'd like to thank my wife, my parents, and my brother. I'd like to thank my producer, who was me, and my agent, also me. Also, thanks to me over at RinkWorks Studios for helping me get my foot in the door of the archive business.
Sam: I'd like to dedicate this award to the two winos in the alley that made this story possible. Thanks!
Kinegar_Kyer: Ok, the best part of the show is over. I'm leaving the stage.

The orchestra swells into a low hum.

Sam: Gee, that's swell, orchestra.
Sam: This next number is a tribute to a classic anecdotal archive.

(To the tune of, 'On the Street Where You Live')

Sam: I have often walked
Sam: Down this street before,
Sam: But the pavement never scraped against my face before.
Sam: All at once am I
Sam: Falling from up high,
Sam: Then I'm bleeding on the street where you live.
Sam:
Sam: People stop and stare;
Sam: They don't bother me.
Sam: Just because there's hair
Sam: Where my nose should be.
Sam: All at once am I
Sam: Missing a chunk of thigh,
Sam: And I'm bleeding on the street where you live.
Sam:
Sam: And, oh,
Sam: The towering feeling,
Sam: Just to know,
Sam: I'm stuck in mid-air.
Sam: And, oh,
Sam: The floundering feeling,
Sam: When you kick me in the face and rip my hair.
Sam:
Sam: The ski patrol?
Sam: They don't bother me.
Sam: Just because my hip is twisted all around my knee.
Sam: My big toe is sore!
Sam: Blood
Sam: clogs
Sam: every pore!
Sam: Now I'm hurting,
Sam: On the street,
Sam: Where you live!
Sam:
* Sam bows.
HostBot: The Best Improvised Humor Archive award is given in recognition of the most creative, entertaining, and funny archive that consists primarily of humor that is improvised by multiple chatters in collaboration with one another. The award is given to the archive itself; all participants may share credit for making it as good as it is.
HostBot: And the nominees for the Best Improvised Humor Archive Award are...
HostBot: * Blood Drops
HostBot: * The Cat Outside the Window of Hate
HostBot: * The Flame War
HostBot: * Girly Stuff
HostBot: * The Red Button
HostBot: * Stupid Day 2000
HostBot: And the winner is...
HostBot: Girly Stuff
Sam: Congratulations to the Girly Stuff gang! Acceptance speeches may be made in the commentary rooms during this next bit....
Sam: Our next guest has travelled a very long way to be with us today....
Sam: She was famous from the moment of her birth, and her face is one of the most recognizable in this century and in the last.
Sam: For the performance of our last nominated Best Improvised Song of the evening, please welcome,
Sam: Her Majesty, the Queen of England!
Elizabeth_II: God save our gracious Leen,
Elizabeth_II: Long live our noble Leen,
Elizabeth_II: God save the Leen.
Elizabeth_II: Send her nice horsey rides,
Elizabeth_II: Cute little chicken pot pies,
Elizabeth_II: And Sam to gaze in her eyes,
Elizabeth_II: God save the Leen.
Sam: Thank you, Queen.
Sam: Let's hear it for the Queen of England!

The audience APPLAUDS VIGOROUSLY and blows kisses!

Sam: And this time, you have heard all the nominated songs for Best Improvised Song or Poem. And then some. Now it is time to award one of those songs with a RinkAward.
HostBot: The Best Improvised Song or Poem award is given in recognition of the most creative, inspiring, funny, and/or entertaining song or poem that is improvised as or immediately before being posted in the chat room.
HostBot: And the nominees for the Best Improvised Song or Poem Award are...
HostBot: * Brunnen-G, for "God Save the Leen," in "Songs and Getting Older"
HostBot: * Dave, for "min-a-moon," in "Self-Chat"
HostBot: * Mousie, for "Ode To Dave," in "Mousie's Ode To Dave"
HostBot: And the winner is...
HostBot: Brunnen-G, for "God Save the Leen," in "Songs and Getting Older"
RinkChat: User Brunnen_G has been unquieted by Sam.
* Brunnen_G goes up on stage
Brunnen_G: Ahem. I would like to thank the ancient Greek philosophers Zeno and Aristotle for formulating the Doctrine of Ethos
Brunnen_G: Which states that music has a direct effect upon the human soul.
Brunnen_G: This is good because it means everybody who listens to sucky music is going to burn in hell forever.
Brunnen_G: This belief has always been a great comfort to me. Thank you.
* Brunnen_G bows and sits down again.
RinkChat: User Brunnen_G has been quieted by Sam.
Sam: At this time, before we get to the final five awards of the evening, let's take a moment to remember those who have come our way and passed on.
Sam: As we forge ahead to the future, let us not forget to remember those of the past. We pay tribute to those "RinkyDinks" who have come before us and moved on. You have brightened our lives, and we wish you well in your futures and hope that someday you choose to grace us with your company again.

"Hitler . . . I will tell you a riddle, yes? If you get it right I give you a present. If wrong, you give me Hungary." -- Balanthalus.


"Folex, don't let your forehead smack the keyboard." -- Akira.


"Cats know these things, GoS." -- Spamdom.


"This green eggs and ham feast might not stop; if Dave makes green eggs with noodly glop." -- Waythorn.


"Really? I thought that Gen lived in New Jersey and she lived in California." -- Djinn.


"He made a little froggy-geyser and proceeded to shoot the people around him with it." -- Enigma.


"It's a hippolumphergriff!" -- NessaChan.


"Yeah, but Java is so much quicker." -- Buffman_32.


"Ugh, lay it down like that, bot, them flows is phat." -- Finchplucker.


"Dave, you BANNED SAM???" -- Scaarge.


"I am suing famous for abuse of her newfound power!" -- gambit.


"Where do you get alarm clocks with so many fancy options?" -- ladadadada.


"It's not like stealing is original. It's in the Bible and everything." -- mamday.


"* lockeai remembers some rats from his high school. In the summer when they didn't get rid of them they would come up to you in the hallway and follow you around. nasty vicious things. The mice were nice though. -- lockeai."


"Gravel and skin don't mix very well at high velocities." -- extirpator.


"One of my teachers in 7th and 8th grade kept thinking we were in college." -- Q2K.


"What have I missed?" -- Princessa.


"Wow, they have a god for everything these days." -- Mel.


"* Ydobon wonders what red tastes like." -- Ydobon.


"The Grishny flew on, cold wind bit him like knives. He then arrived at his goal: the RinkChat Archives." -- c0bra.


"Got to go. Essays to write, brothers to torture, etc." -- Amy.


"I understand the wrath of Sam." -- snoopykat.


"* llearch wonders if gremlinn has finished imploding yet." -- llearch.


"All Dave's stories end with him being smacked in the face or on the brink of exhaustion. How do you cope?" -- splcam.


"tub, He hasn't Been on Because He Wants to Break up with Flyingcats!! Yes THREATING E-mail." -- Aries21.


"My brother stepped on a nail. He has all the cool injuries." -- Washu.


"Leen rhymes with so many good words!" -- squidgunner.


"I HAVE DECIDED TO BE ANNOYING." -- Joseph.


"* Psychosis makes goofy cartoon sounds as Sam is getting beaten up." -- Psychosis.


"I hate this. In my next life I want to be a big huge guy with no problem handling guns." -- Grace.


(fade out)


The audience applauds respectfully.

Then Stephen yells, 'WHERE'S K?????' and Washu and mamday point out that they are actually still here, and all pandemonium erupts.

Sam: Ladies and gentlemen, this show has lasted for three hours and 45 minutes. Let's get down to business.
HostBot: The Best Female Comic Conversationalist is given in recognition of the best archive appearance of a female chatter in a conversational role.
HostBot: And the nominees for the Best Female Comic Conversationalist Award are...
HostBot: * Brunnen-G, for "Nuclear Monsters From the Sea"
HostBot: * Ellmyruh, for "Some Form of I.D."
HostBot: * famous, for "The Cat Outside the Window of Hate"
HostBot: * flyingcats, for "The Affair"
HostBot: * Leen, for "Cute Cute Cute"
HostBot: * Mousie, for "Mrs. Girlagong"
HostBot: And the winner is...
HostBot: Mousie, for "Mrs. Girlagong"
Sam: Congratulations, Mousie!
* Sam accepts Mousie's award on Mousie's behalf, with a, "Now THAT'S what I like to hear!"
HostBot: The Best Male Comic Conversationalist is given in recognition of the best archive appearance of a male chatter in a conversational role.
HostBot: And the nominees for the Best Male Comic Conversationalist Award are...
HostBot: * Darien, for "The Great Ginger Ale Tragedy"
HostBot: * Dave, for "Dave Makes Dinner"
HostBot: * Dave, for "A Flash In the Eye"
HostBot: * Dave, for "The Great Ginger Ale Tragedy"
HostBot: * Stephen, for "The Cat Outside the Window of Hate"
HostBot: And the winner is...
HostBot: Ladies and gentlemen, we have a tie! The winners are:
HostBot: Darien, for "The Great Ginger Ale Tragedy"
HostBot: Dave, for "Dave Makes Dinner"
HostBot: ...and...
HostBot: Stephen, for "The Cat Outside the Window of Hate"
RinkChat: User Dave has been unquieted by Sam.
RinkChat: User Darien has been unquieted by Sam.
RinkChat: User Stephen has been unquieted by Sam.
Dave: Oh dear god no.
Darien: Umm... BRAWL!
* Dave walks to the stage slowly.
* Darien snatches the award!
* Stephen beheads Dave, impales Darien and grabs all three awards!
* Dave dies
Stephen: DEATH YOU TO ALL!!! A WINNER IS ME!
* Dave gets better
Stephen: CAT OUTSIDE THE WINDOW OF HATE IS THE MOST UNDERRATED ARCHIVE EVER!!!
Darien: How perfect that both of you would be here tonight... SO I CAN KILL YOU!
Stephen: Anyway, I'd like to thank famous, who helped make Cat rule.
Dave: OH NO THE TRUCK HAVE STARTED TO MOVE
Darien: Wait. That means, Dave and Stephen are just as good as I am? I don't THINK so!
Stephen: Uhm... and I'd like to give a shout out to my man, K. Who is not here because Sam = STALIN.
Darien: I'd like to thank Dave, for making his misery so easy to laugh at.
Dave: Wait, I won for "Dave Makes Dinner"?
Dave: How stupid is that?
Darien: Dave: Real stupid. Give me your award.
Stephen: SAN DIMAS HIGH SCHOOL FOOTBALL RULES!
Dave: Everyone with more than four braincells knows my role in "A Flash In The Eye" was way friggin better. You guys are all idiots.
Darien: Yeah, I agree with Dave. Everyone who voted for him is an idiot.
* Stephen sits back down, hitting Dave with a bat on his way back.
Darien: HI MOM!!
* Stephen throws tomatoes at Dave and Darien.
Dave: Darien: Shut the heck up and go sit down so I can say some closing remarks.
Stephen: GET OFF THE STAGE!!!!
Darien: Hey, you've *made* your closing remarks! Shut up before I kick you!
* Stephen switches to knives
* Darien beats Stephen to a pulp. Quiet, cat boy!
Dave: No way! I'm not done! YOU shut up and let me have the spotlight for a bit. I mean, it's not like I haven't been up here a ton already tonight.
* Dave punches Darien once, very hard, right in the nose.
Stephen: BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORING. Nobody wants to see you two yokels.
Dave: Anyway, in closing, I'd like to say "I'M THE KING OF THE WORLD!"
* Darien whacks Dave with Stephen's face. Score!
Dave: Also, "I HATE YOU ALL!"
* Stephen won't say anything like how Dave bought off Sam to rig these awards...
Darien: I'd just like to say that Dave and Stephen suck, and that I rule. And I'm more entertaining anyhow.
* Dave goes and sits down, kicking Darien and Stephen in the shins on the way.
Stephen: Also, Darien's win was clearly a sympathy vote.
Darien: Stephen: Pah. You're just jealous because my Tragedy won an award and your Cat didn't.
* Dave throws his drink at Darien
Stephen: Sam: Quiet us, or we'll never finish.
Darien: Yeah. :-}
Dave: Right
Stephen: I WANT THE LAST WORD THOUGH!!!!!!!!!
Stephen: AND THAT WORD IS: PINEAPPLE
* Darien dives off the stage punching at Dave.
Stephen: DANGIT!! IT'S NOT LAST!

The orchestra tries to play...but can't be heard over the yelling.

Dave: CAT IS THE BEST ARCHIVE EVER
Darien: SHOTT UPP GINGER ALE ROX0RS!!!
Stephen: For once, Dave's random combinations of brain cells came up with something that was correct!
Dave: IT JUST SUCKS THAT STEPHEN WAS IN IT

The orchestra plays vigorously and frowns right in Stephen's, Darien's, and Dave's faces!

Stephen: Cat is the best. And Dave is the worst.
Darien: Stephen: Now I agree. Dave sucks. Let's beat him up and take all his awards!
Dave: I'd like to thank the Academy--OOF

The orchestra punches Dave in the face, stabs Darien through the heart, and gets Stephen in a headlock.

Stephen: TGGAT was clearly lame slapstick.. Cat is sophisticated art-house fare.
* Dave brawls with Darien and Stephen
* Stephen kicks Dave... IN THE SHIN!
RinkChat: User Stephen has been quieted by Sam.
RinkChat: User Dave has been quieted by Sam.
RinkChat: User Darien has been quieted by Sam.
Sam: Ahem.
Sam: It's refreshing to see old rivals sharing an award together.
Sam: Our fifth Best Archive nominee, The Great Ginger Ale Tragedy, is a farcical tour de force. Comedy and tragedy are blended seamlessly into a homogenous composite of bittersweetness.
Sam: In a wrapper of levity, writer/stars Dave and Darien explore core human issues such as blame, betrayal, and failing. As we seek to order our lives, this archive posits, where do we try to place responsibility when things go wrong, and where does it belong?
Sam: Let's watch.
Dave: Ah! I hate you Darien!
Darien: Dave: Err... I love you, too...
Darien: What did I do?
Dave: Darien: I just coughed ginger ale all over myself. If you hadn't been talking about ginger ale a few nights ago, I never would have *had* any ginger ale to cough on myself. Hence, this is all your fault and I hate you.
* Darien feels bad now...
Dave: Darien: You also have to come up here and clean my chair and keyboard.
Dave: Does ginger ale stain?
Darien: Dave: Not that I know of.
Dave: Luckily I caught most of it in my hand.
Dave: Then I had to slurp it back up though. Grr.
Kiki: eeeewwwwww
Sam: Dave: Dare I ask what made you cough ginger ale all over yourself?
Dave: Sam: I don't know. It was just one of those random things. I was taking a sip, and then *wammo*, I was struck with a coughing fit. It really sucked, and it's all Darien's fault.
* Darien sucks.
* Darien is entirely to blame.
* Darien deserves to be shot in the eye.
* Darien should be drawn and quartered and sacrificed on an altar to the pagan deity of coughing up ginger ale and getting it all over your chair and keyboard and clothing...
* Darien stopped repenting and started mocking at some point during this exchange, but even he isn't sure where.

(fade out)

The audience applauds discreetly.

Sam: With that, we move on to our next two awards, namely the awards for Best Male and Female Comic Improvisor.
HostBot: The Best Male Comic Improvisor is given in recognition of the best archive appearance of a male chatter in a comic improvisational role.
HostBot: And the nominees for the Best Male Comic Improvisor Award are...
HostBot: * Darien, for "Another Self-Chat"
HostBot: * Darien (also as BatDarien), for "BatDarien vs. the Jokestah"
HostBot: * Grishny, for "Bloody Mayhem At Sakura's House"
HostBot: * Grishny, for "How the Grishny Stole RinkMas"
HostBot: * Issachar, for "Stream of Insanity Derby"
HostBot: * Nyperold, for "Hampered By Pun Death"
HostBot: * Stephen, for "Split Stephen"
HostBot: * Stephen (also as Radebur), for "The Sting, Part I"
HostBot: And the winner is...
HostBot: Stephen, for "Split Stephen"
RinkChat: User Stephen has been unquieted by Sam.
Stephen: Hey, I win again! This time it's personal!
Stephen: Okay, I'd like to say to both Dave and Darien: I hate you. I really hate you.
Stephen: Also, there were a ton of people involved with Split Stephen, but mainly it was all me. Which I think explains its popularity.
Stephen: Anyway, thanks to anyone who voted for me (unless you're Dave/Darien, in which case I invite you to eat a bag of hell).
Stephen: Good night! I RULE!
* Stephen sits down.
RinkChat: User Stephen has been quieted by Sam.
HostBot: The Best Female Comic Improvisor is given in recognition of the best archive appearance of a female chatter in a comic improvisational role.
HostBot: And the nominees for the Best Female Comic Improvisor Award are...
HostBot: * Ayako, for "RinkLympics"
HostBot: * Brunnen-G (also as CyborgFemale17), for "A Brawl of Ghosts and Evil People"
HostBot: * Brunnen-G (also as Darien), for "The Sting, Part II"
HostBot: * Ellmyruh, for "Pool Party"
HostBot: * Kiki, for "Girly Stuff"
HostBot: * Mia, for "The Case of the Mangled Wrap"
HostBot: * Mousie, for "Mousie's Ode To Dave"
HostBot: * Mousie, for "Secret Mousie"
HostBot: * Sakura, for "Bloody Mayhem At Sakura's House"
HostBot: * Ticia, for "Girly Stuff"
HostBot: * Ticia, for "Safari"
HostBot: And the winner is...
HostBot: Brunnen-G (also as Darien), for "The Sting, Part II"
RinkChat: User Brunnen_G has been unquieted by Sam.
Brunnen_G: Wow.
Brunnen_G: It's a great honour to accept this award
Brunnen_G: I would like to thank Darien, for using easily imitated smileys, and the place where I used to work, for not caring what I did online late at night when I should have been working.
Brunnen_G: And of course, I would also like to thank Stephen, for being so incredibly nasty and hard to fool that it came as an even greater victory to do so.
* Brunnen_G runs out of things to say and leaves the stage in embarrassment.
* Brunnen_G comes back to give the paparazzi a better shot of this sensational outfit.
RinkChat: User Brunnen_G has been quieted by Sam.
Sam: And now...
Sam: The moment you've all been waiting for...
Sam: Well, the moment besides Kinegar Kyer's appearance that you've all been waiting for.
Sam: It's 1:20am on the East Coast. Time for bed.
Sam: Good night!
* Sam chuckles to himself.
Sam: Ahem.
HostBot: The Best Archive award is the most prestigious RinkAward. It is given in recognition of the best archive. The award is given to the archive itself; all participants may share credit for making it as good as it is.
HostBot: And the nominees for the Best Archive Award are...
HostBot: * Dave Makes Dinner
HostBot: * The Great Ginger Ale Tragedy
HostBot: * Split Stephen
HostBot: * The Sting, Part I
HostBot: * The Sting, Part II
HostBot: And the winner is...
HostBot: The Sting, Part II
Sam: Thank you ladies and gentlemen, you've been a wonderful and patient audience.
Sam: Good night!

The RinkAwards ceremony has been brought to you by Deserkey foods. Sand-baked poultry for you and your family.

And by Dreamhost, where, We Host Your Dreams.

This has been a RinkWorks production.

(c) 2001

Sam: This room will have everybody kicked from it so we can clean up the spilled popcorn and soda. Nothing personal.


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