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Archives: Hey! There's Corn In Here!


This transcript is self-explanatory except, perhaps, for its title. It's a quote from the earlier transcript Dave Makes Dinner, which was, there, in an entirely different context.

Sam: Whoa, I just encountered the treasure trove of Oreo cookie lovers everywhere!
Sam: I got an Oreo here with one of the wafers upside down!
Issachar: Have that thing bronzed, Sam.
RinkChat: User Issachar has been labeled 'bronzed' by Issachar.
Sam: Too late. I ate it.
Issachar: Oh, well. Did you at least chew slowly?
RinkChat: User Issachar has been labeled 'pallid' by Issachar.
Sam: I savored it for all it was worth.
Issachar: Good. You should savor the *heck* out of a find like that.
RinkChat: User Issachar has been labeled 'heckling' by Issachar.
Sam: Somebody tell me why juice vending machines only serve juices with cranberry in it, except for that one choice of nasty sour orange juice. Cranberry is gross.
Issachar: Ahem. Because cranberry only *used* to be gross. Now it's delicious.
Sam: Why would the taste of cranberry ever change?
Issachar: I don't know when that changed, exactly, but I think it was around twelve or thirteen years ago.
RinkChat: User Issachar has been labeled 'Cran-Op' by Issachar.
RinkChat: User Silvercup has been labeled '7-op' by Silvercup.
BurgerKing: Cranberry juice, great straight.
Sam: I'm drinking Apple Cranberry right now, because that stupid Oreo treasure trove made me thirsty. It's disgusting.
Issachar: NO!!!! You're combining Oreo flavor with a cran-drink! You fool! You fool!
* Sam bolts upright.
Sam: What'd I do? What'd I do?
BurgerKing: Mmmm... Cran-Oreo
Issachar: <sigh> If you don't know, I can't tell you.
Sam: Can I counteract the bad effects?? I've got chocolate here. And pixy stix. Uh...and I could get a soda out of the other vending machine. Or Andy Capp's Disgusting Cheez Fries.
* Sam doesn't want to DIE!
Issachar: Oh, no -- nothing life-threatening. You've just violated a tenet of good taste, is all.
Sam: Oh.
Issachar: Like people who eat cold leftover pizza for breakfast, and stuff.
Sam: Bootle that, then. I *knew* I was violating a tenet of good taste when I hit the 'Apple Cranberry' button.
Sam: It's REALLY gross.
* Issachar tried Cran-peach, or some such thing once. Again, *once*.
BurgerKing: How about sports drinks like PowerAde? I think that stuff's worse than cranberry.
Issachar: What I don't like are all these Gatorade flavors like "Translucent Glacier", which *nowhere on the entire package*, even *once*, explain what the actual flavor is.
BurgerKing: That's because its so diluted and full of salt, you can't tell what flavor it originally had.
Issachar: I'm sure not about to buy them all just to taste and see if I like the flavors.
Kelly: I agree. Used to be that you could infer the flavor based on the name, e.g. Lemon Ice. What the heck am I supposed to infer from Riptide Rush?
Kelly: It tastes like swirling ocean water???
RinkChat: User Kelly has been labeled 'Gator-Op' by Kelly.
BurgerKing: Kelly: But its extreeeeem! :)
Sam: I like 'Mountain Frost,' but I'm not too crazy about 'Pond Scum.'
Sam: And I haven't been brave enough to try 'Fjord Mist' yet.
Sam: I don't understand Gatorade. It's like juice, only way watered down. It's billed as a thirst quencher, because it quenches thirst better than actual juice -- but still not as well as plain water.
Sam: Marketing slogan: 'Buy this! It's almost as good as water, and not much more expensive!'
BurgerKing: I don't like the grey stuff. The look and taste reminds me of sweat.
Sam: Ah, yes. 'Sweat Fog' -- a favorite.
Sam: I like original Hawaiian Punch. Flavor: 'Red'.
Kelly: To me, grapefruit juice is the worst tasting juice on the planet. If I would've known that Mountain Frost (or something like that) was grapefruit flavored, I never would have bought it.
Sam: No way. Cranberry is still worse than grapefruit.
Issachar: Cran-grapefruit could be good, though.
Sam: Grapefruit juice is actually good, in the sense that James Joyce is good, and James Fenimore Cooper is good. It's good, but nobody wants to drink it.
* Issachar has certainly never wanted to drink James Joyce
Sam: See what I mean?
Kelly: I will never read Joyce or Cooper simply because I will forever associate them with grapefruit juice.
Sam: Hmmm. This apple cranberry juice is starting to desensitive me to it. I think it's captured my taste buds and is holding them prisoner with its cryogenic powers.
Sam: Now all that happens when I take a sip is a spooky chill feeling of demonic possession around the back of my lower jaw when I swallow.
BurgerKing: Message to Cran-Apple: Release the taste buds of Sam!
BurgerKing: We are willing to kill him in order to to break the hold.
Sam: Oh, I get it. When the juice is in the front of my mouth, it tastes like apple. When I swallow, the back of my mouth tastes the cranberry. So as long as I don't swallow this stuff, it might actually be tolerable.
Sam: Ooo. This stuff has 'Grape Skin Extract' in it for color.
BurgerKing: What can you extract from grape skins?
Issachar: I wonder whether ladadadada uses that for his hair?
Sam: And, like every food product manufactured anywhere in the last 200 years, it has corn syrup in it.
Sam: More corn syrup than cranberry juice, in fact. Just goes to show you how much power evil cranberry juice has. I can't even taste the corn.
BurgerKing: I also never understood how you can make corn into a syrup.
Sam: I like how the ingredients list explains what 'Apple Juice From Concentrate' is. It has 'Water, Apple Juice Concentrate' next to it in parentheses.
BurgerKing: I'd like to know how MSG is made, as well.
Sam: Mono-Sodium Glutemate is made by mixing sodium with, uh, glutemate...and a little mono.
Sam: Don't kiss anyone after eating Chinese.
Issachar: ...or after drinking James Joyce.
Sam: Great, here's more corn. Oreos -- Oreos -- have all of: corn syrup, corn flour, and corn starch. Maybe you COULD taste the corn flavor in things like apple cranberry juice and Oreos if EVERY FOOD didn't have it. I bet if we accidentally ate a food without corn in it, our tongues wouldn't even recognize it as edible. Some day there's going to be a global corn syrup shortage, and we'll all starve to death.
BurgerKing: Corn *isn't* edible.
BurgerKing: At least not digestable.
Sam: Maybe that's what the stuff that clogs up our arteries is, then. It's all that corn syrup.
Kelly: How difficult would it be to go on a corn-free diet?
Sam: Pretty difficult. I bet foods get drenched in corn syrup right on the farms and stuff before it's even sold.
Sam: Corn syrup is probably this miracle substance that nobody knows about. They bait seafood traps with it, and spray it on orchards as insect repellent. They probably slaughter cows and pigs by overdosing them on it.
Sam: What's scary is the 'high fructose' variation of corn syrup, which, as far as I can tell, is the variation all foods besides this particular can of apple cranberry juice I have has.
Kelly: I bet they even add a tiny amount of high fructose corn syrup to low fructose corn syrup.
* Issachar 's wife once spilled a bit of fruit juice on the front of her shirt, and he pointed out that she was evidently "fructating".
BurgerKing: Is Corn Syrup used to put on pancakes and waffles the same thing?
Silvercup: that would be maple syrup
Kelly: No, a lot of people use corn syrup on pancakes, waffles, etc...
Sam: I bet pure maple syrup has high fructose corn syrup in it. Why else would it be so sweet?
Silvercup: no. maple syrup comes from maple trees. corn syrup comes from corn.
Sam: Yeah, in theory. But we've already established corn syrup is also an insectide. Maple trees probably get sprayed with it. They probably inject some more into the trunk to make the sap flow faster. They probably line their tanks of it with corn syrup to keep the maple syrup from sticking to the sides. Then they add more corn syrup to sweeten it up. I mean, have you had maple candy before? Sugar just doesn't get that concentrated naturally.
Mousie has entered.
Sam: MOUSIE! (Ingredients: High fructose corn syrup, magic that is Mousie, natural flavoring, grape skin extract, sardonic acid.)
Mousie: Now THAT'S what I like to hear. I think.

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