• "Say 'hell' to someone who doesn't like you."
• "Mr. Smith is also a close relative of his brother Wilbur in the church."
• "Thursday night - Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow."
• "Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community."
• "O come all ye faithful, sin in exultation."
• "After today's service, coffee and donuts will be served in the basement. Please come down and say hell to the pastor."
• "Don't let worry kill you -- let the church help."
• "For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs."
• "The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer."
• "Children will be led in sinning and Bible study."
• "This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends."
• "This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar."
• "There will be a baked bean supper next Sunday at 6:00 p.m. Music to follow."
• "At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice."
• "Life groups meet on Wednesday evening at 7:00 PM for food, fun, and fellowwhipping."
• "Marriage: An Institution To Be Endured." -- The subject of a sermon that should have read, "An Institution To Endure."
• "Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa."
• "The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals."
• "The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'"
• "Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands."
• "The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict."
• "Miss Charlene Mason sang "I Will Not Pass This Way Again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation."
• "The Rector will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing: 'Break Forth Into Joy.'"
• "Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones."
• "Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children."
• "The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment, and gracious hostility."
• "The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon."
• "The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday."
• "Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch."
• "Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered."
• "Women's S.E.W. (Stitching and Encouraging Women)"
• "He came down and saved my soup."

Church Anecdote:

A preacher was completing a temperance sermon: with great expression he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."

With even greater emphasis, he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."

And then, finally, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river." He sat down.

The song leader then stood very cautiously and announced with a pleasant smile, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365: 'Shall We Gather At the River.'"