March 30, 2001

RinkChat, NH - David J. Parker was nominated for more RinkAwards than any other nominee this year, and a brief look at his credentials explains why. A veteran content provider for RinkWorks, Parker has appeared in numerous archives dating back to RinkChat's humble beginnings. His first archive appearance was as the title character of "Dave Makes Dinner," which earned him RinkAward nominations in the Best Male Comic Conversationalist and Best First Appearance In an Archive categories. Since then, he has appeared in 44 archives, including such classics as "The Great Ginger Ale Tragedy," "Group Therapy," "A Flash In the Eye," and "Split Stephen."

I spoke with Dave on the eve before the RinkAwards ceremony to learn his thoughts and hopes about the awards.

Sam: You garnered more award nominations than anyone else. Why do you think you got so many awards?

Dave: Here's a better question: Why did you wait so long to interview THE top nominee? Is this some kind of conspiracy to keep me down? As for why I'm popular, it's because I'm Dave. There's really no other explanation necessary.

S: We waited so long so we could bury your interview in the hype of the awards ceremony. Hey, wait, I'm asking the questions here!

D: You didn't even have the common decency to interview me BEFORE voting closed, so I might actually get some beneficial press from kissing the voters' butts.

S: What was it like to work with Stephen in "Split Stephen"?

D: Stephen is difficult to work with. His style is the very personification of randomness. It's almost like he's trying to mess the rest of us up. I don't understand why he's so popular sometimes. I guess it's like Keanu Reeves, except without the looks. Or the "Whoa!"

S: Two of the five nominated archives for Best Archive are "The Great Ginger Ale Tragedy" and "Dave Makes Dinner." Both of them involve you bungling stuff up. Furthermore, "A Flash In the Eye" was nominated along with the other two for Best Conversational Archive. Why do you think people are so entertained by reading about you screwing things up?

D: I feel I've been unfairly typecast. The establishment saw my work in "Dave Makes Dinner" (my first feature) and immediately said, "This guy plays a good goofball." Problem is, once you get typecast like that, people start to think that's all you can do. I assure you, I'm trained in all forms of the fine art of chatting. It's just that people expect me to play the goof, so it's tough for them to accept me in a role that is significantly different from their preconceived notions. I nearly caused permanent damage to my own retina for these people, and they repay my suffering for my art by laughing at me. I find it disheartening. Also, it's just damn funny.

S: Recently some controversy has arisen about "The Great Ginger Ale Tragedy." A previously unknown writer is threatening a lawsuit which claims it was actually all his fault but that Darien stole the blame. Whose fault was it really?

D: Anybody with half a brain can see this idiot's claim is fictitious. EVERYTHING is Darien's fault.

S: Which of your many nominations do you most hope will win?

D: If I don't win for Best Self-Chat Archive, I will file a formal protest. I invented the entire self-chat genre! THAT should get me an award all by itself! But as for the one I most want to win, that's a tough question. I really want to win Best Male Comic Conversationalist for my breakout role in "A Flash In the Eye." But one of my most sentimentally favorite archives, "The Cat Outside the Window of Hate," is also represented in that category (unfortunately, by that Keanu-clone Stephen). Since "Cat" didn't get the Best Archive nod I thought it deserved, I kind of want it to clean up in the other categories. But since I can't possibly bring myself to root for Stephen, I guess I'll have to root for famous to take Best Female Comic Conversationalist and hope that Stephen finishes dead last in everything.

S: Wow! You are being very candid about this rivalry with Stephen! Whatever ignited this friction?

D: The guy has made a whole career out of being "the evil mean-spirited guy." People accuse me of always playing "the goof," but at least I've proven that my talents have great range in archives such as "Stupid Day 2001" and "The Affair" (in which I showed my astounding ability to not appear in archives). What has Stephen ever done that has shown such amazing range? He did "Cat," in which he was senselessly confusing, and he did "Split Stephen," in which he briefly played "the good guy" (and quite unconvincingly, I might add). If there is any friction between us, it's because he's gotten where he is by playing just one character -- HIMSELF.

S: But Stephen earned a Best Alternate Personality nomination for his role as Good_Stephen!

D: That only goes to show that the voters are all braindead garden slugs. Since the voting is closed I don't have to kiss up to them anymore.

S: Of all your many archives, who was your favorite co-star to work with and why?

D: Oh, that's an easy one. Grace was my favorite co-star, mostly because she is HOT and she kind of liked me. I find it appalling how badly she was snubbed by the voters. Out of sight, out of mind, as they say. Just more evidence for my garden slug theory.

S: What's your pick for Best Archive?

D: Same as everybody else's: "The Sting, Part II." Mostly because Stephen plays the fool.

S: Thank you for your time, Dave. Best of luck tomorrow.

D: Yeah. Thanks for nothing, cheesewipe.