Let's get one thing straight. I don't care what the film's credits say, H. Rider Haggard's novel She has absolutely nothing to do with this movie. Nothing. Both the book and this movie have a queen character in it, and that's where the similarities end. Indeed, if H. Rider Haggard had written something this stupid, his writing career would have crumpled up and died right there on the spot. As it is, he should sue for post-mortem humiliation.

So not only does this movie falsely present itself as an adaptation of Haggard's work, it falsely presents itself as something tolerable and coherent. In fact it is neither, and I will illustrate this with a plot synopsis.

A bunch of Nazi biker kickboxing football players ride into a settlement on horseback, kill everybody, and kidnap a woman. Then the woman's brother and his friend are inexplicably still alive and go off searching for her. They must journey to the Norks, a race of people that live in the Nork Valley (where else?). Meanwhile, a goddess named She (who never exhibits anything but human capabilities) walks around among her mechanical servants and gyrating male captives. Meanwhile, the hero and brother get sold as slaves. Meanwhile, She journeys through the Back Alley Of Boxes With People That Hide In Them Until Somebody Comes Along And Then Jump Out And Attack. Then She, the hero, and his brother hook up and journey through the Mad Androgynous Rabble (that's what the back of the video box said, I swear), which is a race of people whose limbs fall off. They put the three into a death machine; their rescue provides the biggest unintentional laugh of the movie, where a woman walks in and doesn't see the three heroes until the camera does -- though they were literally no more than six inches away.

They continue their journey and meet up with vampires in short sleeved tuxedos. Then some people capture and torture them, which leads to the most memorable line of the movie. It goes:

"No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No!"

Then they meet a big fat ballerina in the Forest of Yellow Death, where they are held captive in plastic cages. (A mad scientist puts the stethoscope on the plastic sheet to check their heart rates.) Then they meet an indescribably annoying character that quotes from movies and sings "Green Acres" in a pitifully futile attempt to be funny. He reproduces like amoebae but apparently consolidates into one person again during scene changes. She blows the guy up. They meet the Norks. King Nork sits on his tire swing throne. The goodguys get discovered, so they escape and prepare for battle by setting up defenses ten feet from the enemy lines -- the enemy apparently lets them. The defenses consist of a campfire that the Norks could walk around as easily as bust through (but they bust through anyway) and blockades on a bridge that should have just been burned down instead. Meanwhile one of She's companions goes back for help. It took them days to get to the Norks the first time, but she makes the round trip in something like an hour.

And then everybody goes home. The prophecy that She will be destroyed has somehow become fulfilled, although there's nothing to indicate she doesn't go on living like everybody else. The movie is full of stupid things like that. I can't tell you how little sense it makes. But I have to give it a little credit, because I learned a very valuable lesson from it. I learned that if I ever meet up with a green-headed Frankenstein monster, I should bite it in the neck, because that will make all the air hiss out and its head explode.