The Eyes of the Serpent are, apparently, two swords that, if you fight with them, make you turn blue, teleport you into outer space, and explode you as if your blood was made up of gasoline. This movie is a fantasy movie with a budget so low, the producers couldn't afford fake swords (or actors or sets, for that matter), so every swordfight ends with somebody getting killed by not being stabbed. Apparently in this world it's fatal if your opponent skewers the ground next to you. The villains consist of guys that run around in hockey masks and grunt, a guy named "Bolt" who wears pot-bellied armor, and a sorceress who can't speak three words without pausing dramatically, as if the measure of great acting was how slowly one's lines are delivered. Her scenes were the worst -- I don't remember a word she said; I only remember the movie had the annoying habit of cutting to her so she could make disjointed musings about her evil plan, which, frankly, wasn't much of a plan. It consisted of ordering a guy to translate an old scroll really fast, sacrificing her daughter, and wearing ridiculous outfits. By doing this, I don't know, she would rule the world or something.

On the good guy front, there's a wandering warrior without a cause who wins the heroine over by making leering, sleazy remarks to her. There's the heroine herself, about whom I cannot thing of one single thing to say. There's the heroine's mother, who appears to be exactly her age. There's a mysterious happy guy, whose job is to say things like, "You're the peacebringer," and pretend there's an old legend about something relevant to this movie. And then there's some woman with an acutely developed sense of smell (when asked to determine where a particular cup of water came from, she said something about a river...at low tide). The scene that introduces this smell woman is an excruciatingly long one, in which nothing of note happens, and yet her only other scene is her consequence-free death.

The writer of this story and script must have a mental age of about twelve. I have no explanation whatsoever for why it got made into a movie. The dialogue scenes that supposedly build characterizations left me thoroughly confused -- so much that I laughed in spite of myself -- and the action scenes, in which each move is made in slow motion and the swords don't come anywhere near any actual people, were even worse. The special group of people who love to laugh at bad movies might enjoy this tripe to make fun of it, but other viewers who value their sanity should stay far, far away.