The Guide

• Don't eat rocks.
• Don't take naps in the road.
• Don't stoke fires with your fingers.
• Don't throw a brick straight up.
• Don't breathe car exhaust.
• If you ever meet the President, don't offer him the surprise gift of a firearm by whipping it suddenly out of your coat pocket.
• For all pertinent tasks, use a hammer, not your fist.
• Walk around toxic waste dumps, not through them.
• Don't stargaze with friends on a hilltop in a thunderstorm and use metal fishing rods as pointers.
• The stuff on the bottom of your shoe is not for internal consumption.
• If you need to get somewhere, and a freight train heading in the direction you're traveling just happens to be nearby, resist the urge to stand in front of it and grab hold as it passes.
• If you want to pound on the radiator to tell the landlord to turn up the heat, don't do it with your head.
• Don't flip off the Mafia.
• If you're riding a bicycle down a hill, turn your head before you spit.
• Wash behind your ears, not behind your eyes.
• Light birthday cake candles from back to front.
• Don't shave with a lawn mower.
• Just because your body has orifices doesn't mean you should put things into them.
• Don't stick screwdrivers into electrical outlets.
• Although they are sold in grocery stores, batteries are not food. Do not break them open and drink what's inside.
• The warning "Don't try this at home" really means "Don't try this at all."
• Don't bathe in a tub full of snow.
• Don't iron clothes while wearing them.
• The expression "Life in the fast line" should not inspire you to live in the road.
• Don't eat hot coals.
• Don't escape in to jail.
• Don't wash floors with cough syrup.
• Don't kick porcupines with bare feet.
• Don't sled down hills with interstates at the bottom.
• Sell at most one of your kidneys.
• Don't lie down in a cattle pen.
• Forks need carry food no farther than your mouth.
• Don't test the strength of your skull with a nail gun.
• Only squeeze the handle end of a sword.
• Don't snap towels at passing cops.
• Don't throw an angry cat straight up.
• Don't lick dry ice.
• Before you leap upside down onto a trampoline, make sure it's right side up.
• Don't pour salt in your eyes.
• Your body has the correct number of holes in it. Don't make any more.
• Don't microwave yourself.
• Don't chase a bear into the woods to get a close-up photo.
• Don't swallow toothpaste.
• Don't chew Tylenol.
• Don't bathe in gasoline.
• Don't sneak up to a stallion and whack it on the rump.
• Don't drink water that comes from swimming pools, puddles, bathtubs, dishpans, sewage pipes, radiators, oceans, acid rain, or toilet bowls.
• Don't stick body parts into electrical outlets.
• Don't listen to music from the Spice Girls.
• Don't lick toads, bulls, or jellyfish.
• Don't go swimming in a well.
• Rake leaves, not people.
• Shovels are for digging holes in the ground, not the floor of your house.
• Contrary to popular opinion, you're not supposed to strip the protective rubber coating off electrical wires before plugging them in.
• If you want to chew gum, buy some. Don't use the gum from underneath the seats at schools and movie theaters even though it's free.
• Don't kick stone walls very hard without wearing thick-soled shoes or boots.
• Even if you need to get downstairs quickly, don't jump out of a window -- use the stairs.
• When using an acetylene torch, don't feel the flame to see if it's sufficiently hot.
• Better yet, stay away from acetylene torches altogether.
• Walking barefoot in the sand is good. Walking barefoot on a cactus is bad.
• Elvis is dead. Get over it.
• Wear clothes.
• Use a pot holder when removing items from the oven.
• If you're on a ball field and someone shouts "Heads up!" don't actually raise your head up. Cover it with your arms and duck.
• Don't drink.
• Don't drive.
• Don't tie yourself to an airplane propeller.
• Don't brush your teeth with a wire-bristled sanding wheel.
• When using a weed whacker, don't hold the end with the wire.
• When using a blow gun -- something you should always have a very good reason for doing anyway -- draw your breath before placing your lips around the barrel.
• No matter how tempting it is to be one with nature, stay on the outside of all fences at the zoo.
• Give me all your money.
• When sticking thumb tacks into bulletin boards, press on the flat end.
• Toasters should be used to cook bread, not your hands.
• Under no circumstances should you ever reproduce.