Interesting fact for those of you out there who are fans of "Mystery Science Theater 3000": Rick Sloane (the director) submitted Hobgoblins to be considered for use as an episode of the show himself. It was accepted.

This is the story of one man's attempt to make a low budget rip-off of "Gremlins." It begins with a short scene featuring an old security guard named McCreedy and a young security guard named Dennis. After McCreedy chews out Dennis for listening to loud music, they go out to patrol the movie lot they're guarding. Naturally, they don't find anything (about what you'd expect to find in an abandoned movie lot at night), and McCreedy tells Dennis not to go to a certain part of the lot. Naturally, he goes anyway. It's an old film vault, which has three gates in front of it. Not a single one of them is locked, so he goes on in. Suddenly, he dies.

After this, there is a lengthy credits sequence, and then we see McCreedy's got a new partner named Kevin. He explains the same: "Don't go to this place here," and then he gives him a gun. Why he feels a gun is necessary to guard a run-down lot is beyond me.

Anyway, Kevin returns home to find his girlfriend (Amy, a cold, unfeeling girl) and his friends (Kyle, the Man with the Bright Red Shorts; and Daphne, a very strange person whom I think is supposed to be attractive). His other friend (Nick, an army man with a fondness for hand grenades) arrives and tries to educate Kevin in hand-to-hand combat.

This scene goes on forever. Nick gives Kevin a rake, picks up another rake, and they just sorta smack them together. Kevin doesn't do anything except block, and Nick doesn't do anything short of a few moves that wouldn't hurt that much if they did hit. Nick wins after what seems like a few hours of this. Amy gripes about how Kevin wasn't making her proud by taking down a guy who's just spend two months training in this sort of thing.

Finally, we get to the real part of the movie. A young hooligan attempts to rob the movie lot (or something) and puts a knife to McCreedy's throat. Kevin fires the gun into the air, and the punk runs off. Immediately, Kevin runs to the one part of the lot where he was told not to go -- the vault, which is once again unlocked (wouldn't McCreedy think to lock that thing after one casualty?). He opens it up and looks down, pretending to watch little creatures run out. At long last, we see the hobgoblins: little dollar-store puppet things. They run around in a golf cart, then disappear. McCreedy explains that they landed thirty years ago, that they would tap into people's minds, recreate their wildest fantasies, then kill them. He tells Kevin to find them and kill them all.

Everyone I've spoken to says the Club Scum scene is the best part of the movie, and it may very well be, but we'll get to that. First, there is a scene with Kyle, Daphne, and Amy "dancing." By that, I mean "sorta flailing their arms around." Daphne hears Nick's horn outside and runs out of the house, only to find Nick's van is nowhere in sight. Amy comes out and they talk about something, but I wasn't paying attention to them. Watch Kyle in the background through this entire scene, folks -- you don't see comedy like his dancing very often.

They get "attacked" by the hobgoblins in the fakest-looking scene I've ever had the pleasure of viewing ("Plan 9 From Outer Space" was more convincing). Nick shows up and wants to throw a grenade in the house; Kevin runs up and makes them run out to Nick's van.

Kevin wanders off or something. Meanwhile, Kyle starts fantasizing about a call girl, who shows up and tries to push him off a cliff. Kevin kills a hobgoblin, and she vanishes.

Now comes the Club Scum scene. Amy vanishes after seeing an ad for the club, and everyone else follows. There is a short scene with an overacting extra, and they go inside the club. There is a Marge Simpson lookalike, an M.C. (the palest man I have ever seen in my life), and what appears to be a cafeteria in the background. There is also a band, which performs one weird song with nonsensical lyrics, then Amy appears as a stripper. There is another very long boring scene. An officer appears and gives Nick permission to start throwing grenades around the place. Meanwhile, Kevin and Kyle are chasing another hobgoblin.

Something of note: I think there's a table they're supposed to knock over during this chase, but the man at the table knocks it over himself. Three times.

Anyway, Nick gets set on fire from an explosion, and Daphne stuffs a grenade down the officer's shirt. Oddly enough, he just gets blown backwards by this.

They all then go back to the lot (sans Nick), where the punk shows up and challenges Kevin to a fight (with nunchuks, of all things). They drop those immediately and beat on each other for a little bit (Finally! A SHORT scene!), and then the guy pulls out a gun. McCreedy shows up and shoots a hobgoblin, and the punk vanishes.

The remaining hobgoblins go back to the vault, where McCreedy blows them up. Why didn't he do this 30 years ago? Simple -- there'd be no movie that way.

Nick shows up, with only a few minor burns. Kyle asks to use McCreedy's phone, and the movie ends.

All in all, this is a really terrible film, and it therefore comes highly recommended to everyone with a sense of humor.

Rating: 4 turkeys.

Scene to watch for: Kyle's dancing, the guy knocking his table over. (I'd say the Club Scum scene, but it's sorta hard to miss.)

Best line: "The vault! I tried to warn ya! Those creatures! The vault! I tried!" (And so on and so on.)

Things that make you go "Huh?": How Dennis died, and why anyone would break into an abandoned lot.