The VCR cover boasts that this movie was "The Most Talked About Movie of the Year." While that may be true, it doesn't consider what people were saying about it. I would repeat some of the things I heard, but there might be children reading this forum.

"Boxing Helena" was written and directed by Jennifer Chambers Lynch, daughter of eccentric director David Lynch. It is clearly an "artsy" movie. The trouble with ridiculing artsy movies is that you can practically hear the director off screen saying, "Sniff, the world just isn't ready for my talent." In this case though, the world will never be ready.

The title role was originally offered to Madonna, but she turned it down. A role too repulsive for Madonna, hmmm. Then it was offered it to Kim Basinger, who accepted and later refused when she read the script. The ensuing lawsuit cost her several million dollars, but it was money well spent.

"Boxing Helena" is about a doctor who develops an obsessive love for a woman named Helena. We are first introduced to him in a flashback scene where we see he is ignored by his hedonistic mother. Gee, do you think he will grow up to have issues with women? I can't tell; the director is being too subtle.

Anyhow, he grows up, becomes a doctor, and invites Helena to a party at his palatial mansion. He later tricks her into coming back, and she coldly rejects him. Wait a minute, could his obsession be related to his rejection by his mother? I just can't figure it out!

Helena runs away but is hit by a car and her legs are crushed. He takes her inside and amputates her legs. Now, he thinks, he can take care of her, and she will grow to love him. The scene chifts to a canary fluttering in a cage, but the movie is too subtle for me to figure out what this symbol means.

Oddly enough, Helena is repulsed by what he has done to her. She tries to strangle him, so he amputates her arms as well and keeps her in a box. Now she will be completely helpless and have no choice but to love him. It works. Yes, our director has tapped into the answer to a great mystery of life: the key to a girl's heart is to lop off her limbs. Chicks dig that.

As we ponder this, we see the doctor almost crushed by a statue of the Venus DeMilo. (Too subtle!) Then the film ends on one of the hokiest plot contrivances in the history of filmdom.

I saw this movie with a friend when it was originally released. The theater quickly broke down into a Rocky-Horroresque free for all, with audience members shouting things at the screen, the most frequent being, "TOO SUBTLE!"

I think a sequel would be appropriate for this movie. They could get married and go on a madcap honeymoon. It could be called "Suitcasing Helena."