A recent survey named Edward D. Wood's 1950s sci-fi movie, "Plan 9 From Outer Space," the worst film in the history of motion pictures. Well, this weekend, I saw both that and "Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever," and I can safely say that "Plan 9" pales in comparison to the utter-beyond-belief-badness of "Ecks vs. Sever."

I'd love to tell you what this movie is about, but honestly I'm not exactly sure what the plot was, or if one even existed. As near as I can tell, the story centers around Agent Jeremiah Ecks (Antonio Banderas), a retired spy who is called back into the field for one last mission. For one reason or another, a deadly Chinese assassin named Sever (Lucy Liu) kidnaps some kid who has a deadly robotic bug in him -- or something like that. Ecks must bring the kid back...or kill Sever, or something like that. Anyway, Ecks and Sever fight each other and blow things up for while, and then decide to blow things up as a team.

I should've seen the signs of a bad movie before I even handed over my $5.50. First of all, a video game of the same name had already been completed and was being marketed along with the movie. Also, the director took his real name off the film. He is simply credited as Kaos (pronounced "Chaos"). His idea of brilliant directorial style is to make everything go really slow. It was as if they finished the movie and someone said, "Hey guys, this movie's only 30 minutes." No problem! Just put it all in slow motion!

Scene to watch for: Sever is ambushed by an evil agent, so she hits him with her gun, then drops her gun, takes his machine gun, shoots for a while, reaches into her jacket and pulls out ammunition for the gun that didn't even belong to her, and then the machine gun becomes a bazooka.