With DVD technology being as cunning as it is, they could have easily given us two soundtracks, right? One for "Incomprehensible Original Arnie Voice" and one for "Silly Overdubbed American Accent Voice." Or at least we could have been given subtitles, for those moments when Arnie sounds like he's reading his lines from the inside of a sack. Ah well. Despite that, I didn't stop laughing once in the entire 87 minutes.

Anyway, Hercules wants to leave Mt. Olympus because he's bored. Zeus won't let him leave, and they fight. Zeus throws a lightning bolt at Hercules, and Hercules vanishes.

(As an aside, every single Greek god on Mt. Olympus uses their Roman name, except for Zeus. Also, Zeus' lightning bolts are being carried around by Eros and look like they're made out of coat hangers. When they get thrown, you see a flash of lightning against a night sky, and then a shrub explodes.)

Cut to Hercules flying through the air along side a PanAm 737. He taps on the window and nearly gives a little old lady a heart attack. Next thing you know, he's being fished out of the ocean by a ship heading to New York. He gets into fights over the fact that he doesn't want to do any work ("Hercules does not work"), and eventually the ship pulls in, and he sets foot in the city. He gets into more fights as the captain tries to stop him from "jumping ship." One man gets pushed over the edge of the dock by Hercules, manages to regain his balance, and then dives over the edge. The fights are all very silly.

At this point, Hercules meets up with a pretzel salesman known as Pretzie. Pretzie is played by Arnold Stang, who is about 5' 8" and looks like he would snap in a strong wind. Teaming him up with Arnie seems to have been one of the two deliberate jokes in the movie. Pretzie hails a cab (which just happens to be driving along the docks), and the two of them escape.

They are driven to Central Park, where we discover that "Hercules has no need of money." The cab driver naturally disagrees and decides to pick a fight. Now, who do you think he attacks: Herc or Pretzie? Obviously, it's the one who's three times the size of him and solid muscle. So cab driver gets thrown across the road into some bushes, and Herc tips the cab over onto its roof, and he and Pretzie run off like delinquent boys.

In the park they come across a bunch of college jocks throwing discuses and javelins and stuff. Obviously, Herc has to show them how it's done. He tells the coach that his instruction was well received in the Olympics in Greece and is basically only allowed to demonstrate because the coach thinks it would be a laugh.

There are two low-tech methods of making jumps and throws look far larger than the really are, and we quickly see both of them: repeating the same chunk of footage (the javelin he throws seems to "bounce"); and not actually showing it (when he is challenged to a long-jump, Herc is in the air for at least 15 seconds). We also get to see the Fabulous Dancing Pecs.

Anyway, he starts off with the discus, which goes an impressive distance even though it's tumbling end over end. I guess if you've got the strength of 100 men, you don't actually need technique. Anyway, he beats the jocks at everything, and Pretzie earns some money betting on him.

Then the romantic interest turns up with her father. One of them is a professor of mythology, but I really can't remember which. They invite Herc and Pretzie over for tea (which Pretzie assumes is a drug reference).

Interestingly, the (mortal) love interest is better looking than Venus. So are most of the goddesses, though.

They go to tea, and a male friend of the girl's turns up. Hercules asks if they are lovers. The friend insists that he apologize to her. Herc says that he was complimenting her, and they get into a fight. This consists solely of Herc picking up the other person and holding him off the ground. This is sufficient to break three of his ribs, though.

Then Herc and the girl go for a carrage ride around central park. The ride starts in early evening, but it's dark for most of it and seems to be dawn at the end.

At the same time a "European brown bear" (or, as a newspaper later refers to it, a "wild zoo bear") picks the padlock on its cage and escapes. Or someone lets it out. We never get told. The bear itself really looks more like a gorilla or a yeti or a man in a bear suit. Anyway, it heads (guess where) to the park, so that Hercules can wrestle it into submission. And then continue pounding on its head after it is lying there spread-eagle.

A wrestling manager happens to see this and offers Herc a job. Herc becomes a wrestler and wins all his fights, naturally.

The mafia get interested and intimidate Pretzie into giving them a controlling interest in Herc. The mafia people named are "Fat-lips" and "Nitro." These are silly names for mafia.

Meanwhile, back on Olympus, Zeus is angry that Herc defied him by going to Earth and decides that he should be punished by 100 years in hell (ummm.... Tartarus?) and sends Mercury to fetch him. Herc stays where he is. Zeus then sends the Nemesis to get him, but Juno blackmails the Nemesis into temporarily removing Herc's divinity. Then Juno cooks up a sneaky plan with Pluto.

Herc and the girl are walking down a road when the ysee a movie poster for "Hercules and the Monster," the monster in question being Godzilla. A big discussion about why the actor playing Hercules doesn't look like Hercules. I'm just sorry I can't find any reference to this on IMDB.

They go for a drink, at which point the Nemesis puts Juno's Demigod-Be-Gone powder in Herc's drink. The lighting is bad, but he's drinking either a half of lager, or a mixer (Bacardi and coke, maybe). Admittedly there probably aren't too many bars in New York that sell mead by the flagon, but still, it's rather lightweight.

Then, a circus weightlifter called "Monstro the Magnificent" challenges Herc to a weightlifting contest. Pluto puts a huge bet against Herc with the mafia, so they'll be very upset with Herc if he loses.

First off they lift 500 pounds, and it increases by 250 pounds per round. That seems like very big jumps to me. Anyway, Monstro wins by deadlifting half a ton.

The mafia get upset. In the confusion, they chase the girl (in cars) to find out where Herc is. Herc steals a Roman-style horse-drawn chariot from a man in a caveman outfit and chases the mafia to protect the girl. The caveman chases Herc (on foot) to get his chariot back. The hot dog vendor chases the caveman to give him the sauerkraut he ordered. This seems to be the other deliberate joke of the film, and I can only assume there was a Benny Hill special on while it was being written.

Zeus then wonders why Herc is mortal now, rather than being in hell, and shouts at Juno when he finds out. Then Mercury and Venus decide to give Herc a helping hand by sending Atlas and Samson to him. Samson??? Why not Thor, then, or the Incredible Hulk? Anyway, big fight, Zeus watching on his crystal ball, making little punching motions. The trans-mythological strong men win, and Herc decides to go back to Olympus.

Zeus then decides to go to Earth himself and is also seen by a passenger on a PanAm 737. For some utterly inexplicible reason, Zeus is dressed as a Hassidic Jew. Which was confusing.

Roll credits.

Rating: 5 turkeys.

Scene to watch for: Hercules fights a wild zoo bear.

Best line: "You have struck Hercules! Ha ha!"

Things that make you go "Huh?": There are traffic noises on Mt. Olympus.