This movie was on Mystery Science Theater 3000. Now I know why.

It begins with three poachers in the forest. The poachers consist of an evil Leslie Nielsen, a bearded guy with a crossbow, and a nerdy guy. The nerdy guy sees a UFO, but the other two don't believe him. Nerdy wanders off to investigate, and finds large alien eggs. So he smushes all of them. Unfortunately, one of them is alive and kills Nerdy. The other two poachers never notice he's missing.

Meanwhile, in the second movie, Tommy (an extremely annoying little boy that sounds like Georgette from The Mary Tyler Moore Show) bickers with his mother, who doesn't care about him, and his cranky uncle Joe, who also doesn't care about him. Later we learn that mom and Joe's opinions of Tommy are entirely justified.

In the third movie, a bunch of people pretending to have talent record a rock song. I think. The lead singer, who kind of looks like Greg Brady or Screech from Saved by the Bell, thinks the song stinks. We're all agreed, then.

The rock group leaves for a trip to the country to rest, relax, and enjoy the great outdoors.

Greg Brady/Screech happens to invite an airheaded girl who wears Native American duds on the holiday, which his girlfriend finds rather irksome. Greg says that Pocahontas is the daughter of one of the bosses at the recording studio, so they have to be nice to her.

So they set off in their camper, laughing gaily and listening to one of the band's songs. They set up a camp, Pocahontas annoys the girlfriend, and the girlfriend splashes boiling hot coffee all over her. Pochahontas then runs off into the woods. Everybody watches her go and sort of shrug. One guy mumbles that they were too hard on her, but nobody listens.

Now, finally, the three movies start to connect with each other. Pocahontas runs into Leslie Nielsen and The Bearded Guy, but she escapes and falls off a cliff, breaking her spine. The rock group goes to look for her, finds her in her state, and then -- listen carefully -- picks her up and carries her back to the camper. And they almost drop her repeatedly. One of the guys says they can't take her to the hospital, because it's 50 miles away and the roads are bad, and it's too dark. Doesn't sound like he's all that anxious for her to survive, if you ask me. Not that I liked her either or anything.

So instead, the rock group from the third movie go into the second movie, the one with the feminine-sounding little boy. Their phone doesn't work for some reason, so they carry Pocahontas (who now looks dead already) into a back room and plop her onto a bed. The mom says if they let her rest, she'll be fine in the morning. Sure.

About this time in the movie (or earlier...I didn't really care) Tommy goes outside in the middle of the night and finds the alien eggs. He takes one egg that wasn't smushed by Nerdy (who is still lying there dead, by the way) and hides it in his room. It eventually hatches...and Trumpy is born! Trumpy is a little alien that kind of looks like an aardvark. He can do magical things, which means he can make furniture, clothes, and rabbit cages fly around while carnival music plays. Wheeeeee.

Oh yes, Pocahontas dies in the morning. And everybody is surprised and shocked it ended this way. Somebody suggests calling the police or something, but Uncle Joe tells them to wait until morning. Urm...but it IS morning.

Leslie Nielsen and the Bearded guy get killed by another alien wandering around. I'm sure the director meant for me to feel something, but I don't for some reason. Maybe I will next time.

Starting now, the rock group gets picked off one by one, and Tommy figures out that another Trumpy-like alien is doing it (although, um, we never find out WHY). So when Uncle Joe and Greg Brady decide to go after the mean alien and kill it, Tommy feels the need for him and Trumpy to come to the alien's rescue. We are then treated to a scene in the (perpetually foggy) woods where Tommy protects Trumpy and the other alien, then hears his mother calling him and suddenly decides he hates Trumpy, he always hated Trumpy, and he loves his mother and wants to be a normal kid after all. I think normal isn't the right word.

Unfortunately, Tommy, Greg Brady, and Uncle Joe live through the movie. This movie is best viewed in the Mystery Science Theater version, with the hilarious host segments that will help you keep what little sanity you'll retain. Mostly, anyway.

Rating: 2 turkeys. 3.5 turkeys for the MST version.

Scene to watch for: Trumpy's Magic, of course.

Best line: "IT STINKS!"

Things that make you go "Huh?": The "I'm a Virgin" T-shirt. Must see to appreciate.