The movie opens on a cruise ship sailing blissfully along. Captain Irritable (not his real name) runs the ship but is retiring in a few days and handing it off to a younger captain, Captain Beard (not his real name either), who has a wife and kids on board.

After lecturing everyone on the ignorance and laziness of the crew, Captain Irritable heads down to the main dining room to complain about the guests and how much he hates them. The younger captain smiles and nods a lot -- he's like that.

Soon an old freighter appears with a moving ship speed dial and what appears to be some farm equipment running. Maybe it's real ship equipment, but it sure looks like some harvester equipment from some of the clips they made us watch in high school.

The crew notice they are on a collision course with a large blob-like object that appears to be aiming right for them. They signal both Captain Beard and Captain Irritable while trying to turn the ship several times.

Captain Irritable calls out some commands but can't seem to get the incoming radar blob to change course. Not ever having experienced panic before, the two captains excuse themselves to find a lifeboat, leaving the crew and passengers to go down with the ship.

The ships collide. The cruise ship goes down quickly -- so quickly that one can barely tell it's a cruise ship going down instead of a few plates of steel thrown into someone's pool.

Time elapses quickly -- so quickly that it is now the next morning. There are around nine people on the lifeboat: Captain Beard, his wife, his two kids, two random lovers, and two expendables. One of the kids looks into the water and sees a hand and body floating around, so they grab it and pull Captain Irritable out. Lucky for him, too, as he was surely running out of breath after ten hours or so underwater.

They look back and see the Deathship again. Apparently, it had very quietly dropped anchor and de-cloaked near the aft end of the lifeboat. No one in the group managed to notice the anchor chain until someone looks back and sees the ship itself about 20 feet away.

They signal the boat and eventually decide that someone's ignoring them, so they clamor up the railing on the side to get aboard. They manage to succeed in spite of oil blasting out of a porthole near the ladder. Thankfully, the oil is quick-drying lubrication as when they get aboard, it's all gone except for some minor stains.

Before they go questing for water, clothes, and a place to sleep, they get to watch a random person get picked up by a crane and thrown over the ship. The man is dunked in the ocean a few times before being thrown overboard completely. The rest of the survivors watch him with horror on their faces but eventually shrug their shoulders and quickly forget about him drowning over the side of the ship. After all, they don't know how to use the life rafts or preservers on the side of Deathship and probably just expected him to swim to the life raft they abandoned not more than five minutes earlier.

The producers flash to the farm equipment harvester scene, and Deathship begins moving.

So the survivors look for water. Eventually they figure out a clever way to get some before running around the ship and getting stuck behind a pile of locked doors. They watch a few old movies, listen to a few old tunes (seriously!), but find they need to split up because the ship makes them nervous. One of the women decides to eat some 40-year-old candy. Her face becomes blotchy, and she dies either from terminal acne or Captain Irritable strangling her. Captain Irritable says some moving words before chucking her, along with the rest of her movie career, over the side of the ship.

Captain Beard and another random person talk about what the ship needs and how it's getting its fuel. They also look at some charts and notice that the ship has been circling the Atlantic Ocean for 40 years. Captain Irritable appears briefly to make some comments about the ship running on blood and that he is *the* captain.

Captain Beard appears briefly disturbed by this until he notices he can't move the ship's wheel but Captain Irritable can. He decides wisely to walk away from this strangeness.

The group decides before they go to bed that they will leave the ship that is obviously trying to kill them. They all go to the main deck and talk about using the lifeboats, but before they can look at them, the boats are lowered on their own gently into the water below. The survivors whimper about not being able to leave -- avoiding the obvious jump-and-swim-to-the-lifeboat answer before them because it would shorten the movie significantly.

It is now nearing bedtime. The children are tucked in but end up having to search for a bathroom. Captain Beard and his wife are getting ready for bed. Captain Irritable is nowhere to be found.

We cut briefly to a couple making coochie-coochie sounds, and then the woman jumps up and exclaims she needs a shower. She has apparently forgotten how bad the water is. The shower door locks, and she is bathed in blood. She screams and bounces around a lot in obvious pain from all the blood. The man watches for a while before running around to find someone else to listen to her screams. By the time he gets back, he catches Captain Irritable throwing her limp body over the side of the ship.

The two children, in the mean time, end up running around the ship unsupervised until Captain Irritable catches them and throws them back at Captain Beard. The children seem unperturbed by all the doors slamming behind them and how quickly Captain Irritable appears. Captain Irritable obviously has other powers besides breathing underwater.

Cut to the farm equipment harvester clip.

Soon, Captain Beard and the remaining expendable end up walking further into the ship and find out it's a secret Nazi interrogation vessel. They lament about the evils that must have taken place there and eventually get ill from looking at all the dead people in the torture room. They return to the main room where a movie projector plays Nazi war marching music with pictures of Hitler. Hitler speaks in high-pitched squeals which make their eardrums hurt, and they hold their heads and whimper. Captain Beard destroys the movie projector -- however, the screen where it's playing on doesn't even flicker. This is considered strange, and thankfully they flee.

Cut to more farm equipment with moving pistons.

The remaining expendable jumps into the central hold, which is full of water and corpses. Captain Irritable tortures him briefly before burying him underwater for fun. Captain Irritable now picks up a 1940s vintage semi-automatic rifle that needs to be cocked before firing.

Captain Beard and his family haven't been idle. They have looted one of the rooms for personal flotation devices and a life raft. They inflate the life raft on the side of the deck and throw it overboard. They toss their two kids in. Captain Irritable takes a few quick pot shots at Captain Beard and his wife before they follow the two kids overboard. All four eventually make it to the raft and float away from the Deathship.

Captain Irritable however, goes back to the bridge and demands that the ship change its course. When it doesn't, he uses the gun on the equipment for a while before going down to the engine room to have his arm torn off. This scene is so disturbing that the cameraman flips out, producing an incredibly disorienting scene of bouncing camera angles, gears, farm equipment, Captain Irritable's face, and his lost appendage.

Captain Beard and his family are soon saved by a flying coast guard helicopter, which just happened to find them out in the middle of the Atlantic.

The movie's final scene is of Deathship cruising to crush another ship. We see the majestic farm equipment cycling again, and then the credits roll.

Rating: 3 turkeys.