Oh, what fun. If you like Godzilla movies, this one is for you. If you don't like reading spoilers, then don't read this, because I spoil like crazy.

First, there is actually an American in a main role. His lines are actually said in English, while all the Japanese people are dubbed (of course). This makes the movie sound really weird at times. Switch to actual recording. Switch to dubbing. Switch back to actual recording. Etc.

Anyway, the movie starts when the narrator (who doesn't show up again) tells us that a mysterious planet has been discovered behind Jupiter. Um...does he mean Saturn? No. This planet is called (brace yourself) Planet X. There. Thousands of dollars for a creative group to name the planet, and that's what they think of.

Two astronauts, Fuji and Glen (the latter being the American guy) set off in their ketchup-bottle spaceship to explore Planet X. They make dumb unfunny jokes on the way and keep cracking up. They call their base on Earth to tell them everything's okey dokey, and Fuji sends a message to his sister. (It's extremely private too, but he just blurts it out over the speaker.) His sister, who works at the base, is all embarrassed and mad at her brother (but nobody seems to care). An old scientist guy keeps asking her questions about her brother and her fiance. The big snoop. It seems the sister's fiance is an inventor, and her brother doesn't approve of him.

We cut to the fiance/inventor's house, where he's working on his invention -- a woman's compact that makes a loud buzzing noise when you push a button. Pish. Great invention. When you first see the fiance/inventor, you'll think of Clark Kent. This guy has the same glasses and everything. Anyway, he gets a phone call from a company that wants to buy his invention. So he's happy.

We cut to the astronauts and space base and find out that Planet X is dark. Ooohh. Fascinating.

Meanwhile, the sister and her fiance meet a lady from the company to sign the contract. It turns out it's a toy company, but the Japanese Clark Kent doesn't seem to mind. The Toy Lady gives Clark Kent the contract to look over, and he glances at it for about a second before saying quickly "Oh sure" and signing it. Now that's one guy I'd like to have for a lawyer.

The Toy Lady recognizes the sister's last name and spews out a lot of facts about Fuji and the space base. "Oh, you know my brother?" the Sister asks. "No." Toy Lady replies. But the toy company has been watching the progress of the space flight anyway (probably because they want to make toys to cash in on its popularity). "Oh, boy." Clark Kent says as Toy Lady leaves. "Wait until Fuji sees this contract. It'll really stand him on his head."

Cut to a shot of Fuji upside down. Glen messed up and turned the ship upside down. Huh. They make more dumb jokes (one of which makes them guffaw hysterically) and land on Planet X. Glen says a line something like, "It's the universe -- nobody knows its secret." Real deep, Glen.

Anyway, the ship lands very blandly, and they stick a table lamp out the spaceship to check for radiation. "NONE!" Glen yells. Two Ken dolls lower themselves down to the planet on a platform, then magically transform back into Fuji and Ken. There's a lot of gravity on Planet X, because they don't float around or anything. Fuji goes off to take a stroll, and Glen tells him over their radios that this planet has half the gravity of Earth. Yeah, sure. It actually looks like it has more gravity, because they're stuck nice and firm on the ground. Maybe they had weights in their shoes.

While Fuji's taking his walk, some Thunder and Lightning pop up for no reason, then leaves as quickly as it came. Fuji calls out to Glen, but there's no answer. Fuji goes back to the landing sight, but the ship isn't there. Just when we think Glen ditched Fuji an elevator pops out of the ground. A rather stern voice commands Fuji to enter, saying that they have Glen and the ship. Fuji obeys.

Back at the Space Base, the Sister's hairdo changes, and the scientists realize the astronauts haven't called in a few hours.

Fuji comes out of the elevator and finds himself in a lighted hall. The lights in the hall turn off, and a room beyond the hall lights up. "Follow the lights," the stern voice says. "It will be your guide." So Fuji wanders through a lot of blinking halls until he ends up in a large room with a table in the middle. There are two chairs in front of the table, and Glen's in one of them.

The lights go up, and we see the guy sitting at the table. He's another Japanese guy, only in a goofy alien costume and sunglasses. "I am the Controller of Planet X," he says. I guess the aliens call the place Planet X too. Oh yeah, and the Controller has freaky hand motions.

The astronauts and the Controller chat for a while, and suddenly lightning strikes outside the Controller's window. "It's Monster Zero!" the aliens cry. It turns out that Monster Zero is really KING GHIDRAH, the awesome-looking three headed dragon whom Godzilla has whupped numerous times! The Controller explains that he's called Monster Zero because everything is numbered on this planet (except for the actual NAME of the planet, apparently).

The astronauts ask how the aliens get rid of Ghidrah. The Controller replies: "We wait until he goes away." Brilliant.

An alarm sounds, and the aliens leave, but not before putting a force field around our heroes. The heroes chat for a while, and Fuji figures out that Hydrogen Oxide is water. Wow! Amazing! Too bad that has nothing to do with the movie.

Anyway, the aliens and the Controller come back and explain there was a slight problem with something somewhere, but it's all under control now. Whew. Good. I was worried there for a minute.

The Controller FINALLY gets to the point this time. He wants to borrow Godzilla and Rodan from Earth so they can make Ghidrah go away. In return, he'll give Earth a wonder drug that can cure all of their diseases (it seems the aliens are very advanced in medicine). The astronauts agree to go back to Earth to pitch his idea for him. As they take off, the Controller laughs evilly.

Anyway, Fuji and Glen get back to Earth and tell the Controller's plan to a Japanese Concil. Once again, Japan decides the fate of the entire world without consulting any other country and agrees.

We cut to the Japanese Clark Kent (remember him?) going to the toy company. He wants to talk to the Toy Lady for some thing about his contract. (I'm not surprised -- he signed it without looking at it, remember.) The Japanese James Coburn tells him she's out of town. Clark Kent then insists on talking to the boss of the company, who is in a weird tanning booth and has a pierced back (all together now: ewww). The Boss Guy just tells Clark Kent the same thing.

Then, Fuji goes to meet his sister's fiance finally and finds Glen at the restaurant. Glen's waiting for his date. They wonder how much they can trust the aliens from Planet X. Yes, I wonder too. By giving them Godzilla and Rodan, we're not putting ourselves in danger, are we? NAH!

The Sister and Clark Kent arrive, and a weird conversation starts. Glen then leaves while harpsicord music starts suddenly. Fuji and Clark Kent stare at each other for a few seconds, and the sister returns (huh?). The Sister looks out the window and sees Glen getting into his car with his date, who is none other than the TOY LADY! Clark Kent gets mad because he thought she was out of town. Then Fuji leaves, but not before saying that Clark Kent would have to do something really spectacular before he'd like him.

The next day, some army guys figure out Godzilla is at the bottom of a lake. But they have no idea how to get him out.

Fuji and Glen meet, and Glen says he thinks he saw the Controller on Earth. He and the Toy Lady were hanging out in a bungalow by the lake (the same lake Godzilla's in) and the Controller popped up all of a sudden. I bet that ruined the mood. Fuji and Glen decide to go to the bungalow to inspect. I don't know what they expected to find, but whatever.

However, when they get to the lake the army guys won't let them into the bungalow, because Godzilla is beginning to rise from the lake! Only it isn't Godzilla. It's a flying saucer from Planet X. And another. And another.

Some civilians come out of nowhere gawk and scream as one of the saucers lands on the beach. Some aliens (including the Controller) come out and appreciate the warm welcome. Huh? They blab for a while, and the Controller says the other two saucers will take Godzilla and Rodan to Planet X. Remember Rodan? He's supposed to be in this too.

The saucers get to work. A tractor beam pulls Godzilla out of the lake and puts a giant bubble around him. (Godzilla looks adorable all curled up in the bubble.) They do the same with Rodan, who was encased inside a mountain right next to the lake. Rodan had his wings wrapped around him like a bat, so he's sort of hard to recognize. He rather looks like a giant roasted turkey. Which fits this movie -- turkeys, get it!?

Fuji, Glen, and the old scientist from earlier all change their clothes. Glen necks with the Toy Lady for a little while and promises her that he'll marry her when he gets back. Toy Lady leaves in her car, with Clark Kent following.

Fuji, Glen, and the Scientist go to Planet X with the aliens. On the way there, the Controller tells them that they program their ships' computers with their brain waves (or something) so they can control them with their minds. Glen says, "Then that means that you can control plants and animals too." What? Excuse me Glen, but plants and animals aren't programmable.

Suddenly we get a random shot of a boat on the lake and then a cottage by it. Inside the cottage (which is evidently the headquarters of the toy company), the Boss Guy chews the Toy Lady out for falling in love with Glen. It didn't seem to really be the Boss Guy's business, but whatever. In the meantime, Clark Kent is sneaking around the cottage, goes up on the porch, and falls through a trap door.

On Planet X, the saucers have landed. Godzilla and Rodan are released from their bubbles, and some aliens come up to the surface with hoses. Then they change their minds and go back down. Weird. The Controller reveals that water is more vaulable than gold on this planet, and Fuji and Glen exchange knowing glances.

Godzilla and Rodan wake up from the effects of the bubbles, and Ghidrah pops up.

MONSTER BATTLE! I can't begin to describe it, and you know what I'm talking about anyway. At the end of the battle, when Godzilla and Rodan beat Ghidrah AGAIN, Godzilla does the oddest little Russian dance. Hey!

Fuji and Glen start wandering around (the Controller must have been utterly fascinated by the monster battle, because he didn't notice them leave) and end up in what looks like a conservatory. Glen reminds us that hydrogen oxide is water, just in case we forgot. There Glen sees two alien women, who both look exactly like the Toy Lady! Gasp! The alien guards find them there and capture them.

Glen and the Controller talk about the alien women for a while, and Glen announces that beauty is only skin deep. Gee, that was nice of him.

The Controller gives Fuji and Glen a tape recording that has the recipe of the Wonder Drug. Finally!

The aliens reveal they made a duplicate of the ketchup bottle spaceship, and Fuji and Glen fly home. As they take off from Planet X, Godzilla and Rodan start roaring, very miffed at being ditched. Fuji hopes Godzilla and Rodan will be okay, and Glen yells at him to make him stop worrying.

On Earth, the sister (whose hairdo has changed AGAIN) visits the Toy Lady and asks about Clark Kent. Toy Lady plays dumb. Little does the sister know that Clark Kent was actually locked up in a cell in the cottage's basement.

The ketchup bottle spaceship lands, and they play the tape for the Japanese concil. It's not a recipe, but the Controller telling the people of the Earth to become their slaves, or they'll send Godzilla, Rodan, AND Ghidrah on them. The humans *finally* figure out that the aliens were crooks.

Suddenly we're thrown violently into what looks like a newsreel telling us the state of the world is in shambles! People are rioting and looting in all the cities in the entire world! Nobody is safe! People have to carry guns around for their own safety! The police are powerless to stop all this! And the aliens haven't even COME yet! During this newsreel we get serious-sounding music and a bunch of old photographs that look like they're from World War II. We never actually see this rioting and looting in progress. We just take their word for it.

Glen, who evidently just escaped from one of these so-called riots, runs into a wrecked building, all sweaty and carrying a gun, but his suit isn't the least bit messed up. Rioting-type sound effects are played in the background, but if you look out the windows there's nobody around.

Glen finds the Toy Lady in the building and realizes she's an alien. That Glen is one quick cookie, all right. The Toy Lady tells him she really does love him, and Glen says something like "Yeah, tell me about it, Baby." Eh, whatever. Glen grabs Toy Lady and starts giving her the old "Hill of Beans" speech, but some aliens come and interrupt him. The Toy Lady "discreetly" puts something in Glen's pocket, and the aliens kill her.

Glen gets upset at Toy Lady's death and calls the aliens a bunch of dirty rats...or something. And that's all he does to avenge her death.

Meanwhile, at the space base, the sister's hairdo changes yet again, and the scientists can't figure out what to do. The army wants to blow everything up with nuclear weapons, but as you can expect, the Japanese aren't too fond of that idea. A woman's voice suddenly shrieks, "AAAHHHH! LOOK OUT THE WINDOW!" I think that's my favorite line in the entire movie, because of the way the (unseen) woman delivers it: she sounds like a teenybopper (after that line I always say "IT'S ELVIS!").

They do indeed look out the window and see one of Planet X's saucers. The saucer blows up the kethchup bottle spaceship and melts a satellite dish. Everybody gets up from their crouching positions (?). The Controller tells them they have 24 hours, and then they'll take over the Earth. (The 24 hours are so our heroes can figure out a way to stop the aliens, of course.)

We cut to the prison cell, and Glen has joined Clark Kent in it. Clark's voice sounds like Casey Kasem for a brief while. Clark tells Glen that the walls and the bars of the cell are soundproof. And no, I don't understand that either.

At the Japanese council, we see a shot of a clock with 24 hours on it (cool), and everybody wonders what they should do. A priest guy suggests praying, but they quickly bog down that idea and ignore him.

The old scientist and Fuji do some sciency stuff and make some sort of laser that'll stop the aliens. Heh. Okay, whatever. I'll go along for the gag. They take about an hour explaining their laser to the council, and one of them says, "Can you be specific? We don't have much time."

In the cell, Glen checks his pocket and sees what the Toy Lady put in there -- a note. The note says something about men being immortal (huh?), and Clark Kent figures out his compact/sound invention will drive the aliens crazy. They turn it on, and the alien guards collapse in pain. I guess they decided to ignore the fact that their cell was soundproof. While they're being annoyed, one of the guards moos like a cow (listen carefully).

They escape, and Glen beats up a guard, who doesn't fall flat on the floor but hunches over instead. They leave the cottage, and the aliens blow up a boat for no reason. Glen and Clark Kent swim away.

With three hours to go, the aliens decide to take over Earth ahead of schedule. Godzilla and Rodan pop up on Earth all of a sudden and scare some farmers. They smash buildings (of course). The army comes in, but their tanks can't harm the monsters (of course). The little toy tanks have GI Joe dolls in them.

A flying saucer blows up some trucks, and Fuji says that things "don't look so hot."

The monsters crush more buildings, with Ghidrah joining in. It takes about 30 years to finish, and it gets boring. If you're watching this alone, fast-forward through this part. If you're with a group, lean back and let the Godzilla jokes fly. It will make it go faster.

Our heroes make a radio station play Clark Kent's buzzing sound and tell all the people listening to turn it up as loud as they can. Ugh. I hope they had earplugs. Anyway, the noise makes all the aliens grab their heads and writhe about in pain. Overacting abounds. Our heroes then fire up their laser and knock the aliens for a loop. The heroes blow up the cottage too.

Patriotic music starts all of a sudden, and it will make the Drum Major blood in you boil like nothing else. Godzilla, Rodan, and Ghidrah all come out from under the alien's control.

The Controller, on one of the saucers, goes wacko, and the saucer blows up.

You thought the movie would be over now, didn't you? Oh no. There's still more.

The monsters aren't controlled now, but they're still monsters and all. Thus, a MONSTER BATTLE begins. Ghidrah gets whupped again and leaves Godzilla and Rodan deep in the lake, dead. OR ARE THEY?

Everybody has a good laugh, and the old scientist guy informs Glen that he's going to fly back to Planet X as their first ambassador. Huh?

Rating: 4 1/2 turkeys.

Scene to watch for: The sister returning from nothing, the 24-hour clock, Godzilla's Russian dance.

Best line: "AAHHH! LOOK OUT THE WINDOW!"

Things that make you go "Huh?": The sister's ever-changing hairdo, the sister returning from nothing, why the aliens call their home Planet X, and why Glen will be going back there so quick.