Wow! A movie named after my own humble self? Alas, it is with shame that I must be associated with this shambling remake of another shambling horror film. I actually saw this one in the theater, and the whole time I was thinking about the seven dollars that I could have used to buy myself dinner, given to charity, or perhaps bought a hammer to bash myself on the head with.

Still, I saw it with a totally teenaged crowd at one in the morning, so I only heard half the movie. But it was a good turkey. I had the fortune to see this movie with one of my fellow bad movie buffs, Squeak. Squeak is essentially Randy from "Scream." He knows more about scary movies than he does about maintaining his college GPA. (Right, Squeak?) So he and I just sat the whole movie, predicted who the killer was going to be, how everyone was going to die, and when the cheap scare was coming so we could watch everyone around us.

So here we go, the movie, in all its languid glory. We open with a young very dorky-looking boy getting turned down at a dance by all these other 6th grade girls with whom he is infatuated. Only one girl says "maybe," and he's ecstatic. That's important later. He finally gets to lock lips with a girl called Buffalo, but they get caught, he gets the crap beaten out of him on the middle of the dance floor (nice adult supervision here), goes to a mental hospital, and of course comes back for revenge.

We cut to a decade or so later, and our first victim, Shelly, is having dinner with Jason. Jason is my favorite character just because he says everything in third person. "Jason likes you." "Jason always gets what Jason wants." Hahaha! Pointless character! Great!

Well, Shelly goes back to operate on some corpses at about two in the morning, since, you know, that's when autopsies are done. She's going to operate on this guy, and she puts a cloth over the dead dude's eyes. I turn to Squeak and say, "In a minute the killer will be under the sheet."

Sure enough, Shelly is distracted, and when she returns there is -- GASP! -- a live man under the sheet. The dead body was in the closet!

Now, wait a minute. The killer was seen wearing this huge trenchcoat and mask (a cherub-like thing -- basically a rip off of the Halloween series), gloves, etc, etc. Apparently he stripped off all his clothes, removed his mask, hid them, moved the dead body, slipped under the sheet, and then held his breath just until Shelly was about to cut him? WHY? That's a lot of work for a cheap scare. And, of course, he disappears off the table moments later and is dressed again in thirty seconds. Anyway, Shelly tries to hide in with the corpses, but she gets toasted.

So we get to the other characters: the nice girl main character, the shallow mean one, the shallow beautiful one, and Buffalo, now all grown up and rich. They each have different suspicious men in their lives. One of them simply must be the tortured boy who is going to cut them into sushi.

We go through plenty of peripheral characters, each with an unusual superficial characteristic, and finally the killer pretty much takes everyone out in mediocre ways. The shallow mean one gets some arrows to the chest while in a maze of naked women (don't ask). Denise Richards dies from a drill in a pool. Really, with a killer on the loose why don't we go take a dip alone in an under-lit part of the house?

More highlights:

-The killer always has nose bleeds. At the end of the movie Dave ends up with the only girl that was nice to him at the dance, says, "I've always loved you," and his nose bleeds. OOOhh a sequel I hope!

- The best part of the movie was a group of about four girls sitting behind us. Whenever anything happened, they'd say stuff like, "Nuh-uh! He DID NOT just do that. Oh girl, I'd throw him to the curb!" They should come with every screening of the movie.

Rating: 2 turkeys. Watch it if you can find four girls like the ones we had to sit behind you.