Just sit right back, and you'll hear a tale,
A tale of a rotten show;
It started with the credits so that
Who to blame you'll know.

The writers had too much to drink;
The director had still more.
An audience sat down that day
For a two-hour bore.
(A two-hour bore!)

The plot-lines started getting thin;
Their holes were wide across.
If not for the banter of Mike and the Bots,
Our brains would soon be lost.
(Our brains would soon be lost!)

The plot stopped short on the edge of this
Unbudgeted desert script,
With Crawling Hand,
The Sheriff too,
A Teenager
And his Girl,
Some Movie Stars,
A Professor, and
The Cranky Man
On the Crawling Hand!

I did, in fact, have a reason for writing that opus above. Alan Hale Jr. is the Sheriff. I didn't even bother figuring out who everyone else was, because I really didn't want to know. Anyway, the movie starts off at mission control where there are (apparently) only two guys, a Suave Professor Guy (SPG) and a Cranky Nasa Guy (CNG). The rocket from the moon (or the luNAR surface as they call it) is crashing, and so they go argue with the security guard.

At this point we hear a continuous whooshing noise in the background, louder in some scenes than in others. This continues forever.

They get a message from the rocket. The astronaut wants them to blow the rocket up. He conveys this by saying, "Kill! Kill! Kill! Push the red! 2000! 3000! Kill! Kill! 75000! Push the Red!" SPG and CNG watch, displaying emotions ranging from "pensive" to "quietly amused." Finally, they hear his plea (and ours) and blow him up. Then two girls are sitting in a cafe, discussing Hot Medical Student (HMS). An old geezer comes and tells them, "We're all going to die." All laugh.

HMS arrives, and he and Big Haired Girl (BHG) go off to a beach to run around in tight clothing. They find a hairy rubber glove, BHG screams, and HMS wants to put it in the trunk and take it home. He ties it up in a shower curtain and puts in the cellar behind the pickled beets. En route, he gets attacked by an Old Lady (OL) with a gun. She then then apologizes and offers him some stew.

SPG and CNG argue about the homicidal tendencies of Elmer the Rat for a while. SPG says it proves his theory, whatever that was. The hand comes to life and knocks over the pickled beets, then gets into OL's bed. She gets in and out of bed several times without noticing that there's a hand lying there. Eventually it jumps up and kills her. HMS finds her and is puzzled for a while, then goes back to bed.

Alan Hale Jr. (AHJ), as the sheriff, comes to investigate OL's death. HMS wander around someone's house for a while. AHJ looks at the body, says she wasn't shot, then reaches down and picks up a gun. HMS decides to call SPG when the Hand kills him. But wait! He wakes up in an ambulance, screams, and jumps out the back. The driver, presumably, doesn't notice anything. CNG and SPG hear that Dead Astronaut's fingerprints were found on OL's neck. They apparently forget Dead Astronaut is dead and say that he had no authorization to be there.

They head off to investigate, and we get to see a shot of the airplane we've been hearing all this time. For no reason at all, AHJ won't let them investigate. Meanwhile, HMS confesses his guilt (what evil he's done, appart from being in this movie, I don't know) to a tape recorder. Then he goes berserk and smashes it. When he looks at the camera, we see that now he's wearing Mascara of Death.

SPG and CNG break into OL's house. Why? To run a Geiger Counter on the pickled beets. HMS tries to kill the old geezer, then plays the jukebox. BHG is studying when HMS turns up and does acting at her. Natually, she's very puzzled and frightened. He tries to kill her, then runs away.

At this point everything breaks up completely. A police car drives around. BHG sobs on some old guy. HMS ties the arm up in a table cloth, then throws it in a pile of cans. AHJ and HMS stare at each other. Then the hand gets eaten by cats. Yes, cats do the hand in, even though it had already survived an exploding spaceship and re-entry.

HMS goes back to normal. Everyone's happy. The End.

Rating: 3 turkeys.

Scene to watch for: HMS is on the phone. The hand crawls down the banister, across the floor, up the wall, over his shoulder, and he only notices when it starts strangling him.