Since Peter Jackson's "The Fellowship of the Ring" opened, we've been getting a lot of email from angry people who mistake Dave's review of Ralph Bakshi's animated version of "The Lord of the Rings" for Jackson's live-action version. No wonder they're angry! Dave's review of the Bakshi film is entirely too kind for the likes of Jackson's.

I admit it. I was looking forward to this live-action adaptation of the Tolkien classic, but let's face it: you can't do justice to a great work of literature on film.

The novel opens with a nice, pleasant prologue about the history of the Shire. It tells of hobbits and their culture and place in the world of Middle Earth. It tells about who is credited with establishing the hobbit tradition of smoking pipes, about how hobbits learned architectural skills from other races, and so forth -- all the makings of a fine film with a rare appreciation for the humanities. But isn't it just typical of Hollywood to take such a work crafted with such care and detail and turn it into a mad action blockbuster spectacle? The opening scenes of Peter Jackson's film aren't about pipes or houses at all but about HULKING UBER-SAURON AND HIS MIGHTY HAMMER OF DESTRUCTION. Jackson can't wait five minutes without a fancy schmancy computer generated battle.

And before anyone corrects me about this film being a product of Hollywood, I *know* Peter Jackson is a New Zealander and made his film in New Zealand with other New Zealanders. But I've seen Peter Jackson in interviews, and I saw him at the Oscars, and he reeks of Hollywood superficiality, with his neatly combed hair and his Armani tuxedos and his sparkly teeth. One look into those sneakily ingratiating eyes, and you just know he's either a politician or a Hollywood Player, the kind of guy that with no respect for art and all the respect in the world for the almighty dollar -- the kind of guy that would swap out a history of architecture with a computer generated action battle scene. If I ever meet Peter Jackson in person, I shall kick him square in the privates.

We cut to the Shire, and the camera zooms in on Frodo's hairy bare feet. It's like Mr. Jackson is saying, "See? This is Tolkien's work after all! Look how we didn't put shoes on the hobbits in spite of the fact that it's a health hazard to walk barefooted in summer! Also, check out this round green door with the knob in the middle. There it is again! I *did* read the book after all! Or, at least, I turned to a random page! Or, at least, I instructed my set and costume designers to!"

The film progresses haphazardly, skipping entire subplots, such as the jealous rivalry of the Sackville-Bagginses. ?!?!?!? Sure, Sauron's the guy with all the magic power and special effects, but Lobelia Sackville-Baggins is the real villain of Tolkien's work. But I suppose her subtle, manipulative ways just weren't visual enough for Mr. Peter "I Can Put Explosions In a Movie Set In a World Without Gunpowder" Jackson, so she's out, and we're left with the comparatively linear character of Sauron for our main villain.

So Frodo and Sam set out for Bree, and after picking up Merry and Pippin on the way, they get there.

Yes, you heard correctly. 200 pages of the novel, gone, just like that. Gone is Gildor, gone is Fatty Bolger, and Farmer Maggot is reduced to a cameo appearance in which only his scythe is visible. Merry and Pippin are humiliated by becoming cheap comic relief, but worst of all is the complete absence of Tom Bombadil, one of the most important characters in the original trilogy.

I almost walked out. I had been looking forward to Jackson's treatment of Tom Bombadil's musical magnanimousness for like two years, and it's not even there. We were robbed. Can anyone imagine a more moving, soul-changing musical moment than a Randy Newman musical arrangement of the immortal chorus, "Hey dol! merry dol! ring a dong dillo! Tom Bom, jolly Tom, Tom Bombadillo!"?

Alas, the movie has no time for the texture and temperament of Tolkien's amazing world. Instead, it's off to Bree, which might as well be the Mos Eisley cantina for all the freaks that live there. Ringwraiths start stabbing bedsheets (OH NO, ARE THE HOBBITS REALLY DEAD NOW?), and Strider whisks them off to meet Feminist Elf Warrior Queen Arwen, who singlehandedly defeats all the Ringwraiths with Girl Power just in time to spend enough romantic scenes with Strider to allow the trailer cutters to advertise the film to women.

The film blows through 80 pages of the Council of Elrond in like three minutes, and Merry (or Pippin, I can't tell which) delivers goofy comic relief gag #203 ("Where are we going?"), and suddenly everybody is off to Mordor. Saruman sends birds after them and brings Caradhras -- a disdainful ancient sentience in the book but a regular snowy mountain in the film -- down on them, and so everybody has to go through the Mines of Moria. Boromir says some creepy things (foreshadowing!), and some random tentacles attack, and blah blah blah. Pippin (or Merry, I can't tell which) knocks something down a well, and this alerts ALL OF THE GOBLINS AND ORCS IN THE UNIVERSE, which apparently spend all their days sitting around waiting to hear things dropping down wells. But our nine heroes successfully fend off millions of orcs, a humongous ancient fire demon called the Balrog, and an earthquake. Somebody bites it right at the end, and everybody cries for like five seconds before moving on.

Then we go to the Forest of Backlit People That Talk All Creepy. They meet the Elf Witch That Never Lets Anyone Go, who wishes them well on the rest of their journey, although not before randomly turning into a mecha-droid so as to tighten the film's hold on Best Visual Effects.

Everybody canoes through some more effects, and then Frodo says, "You know what I must do?" and Aragorn says, "What?" and Frodo says, "I must go on alone, because it will be safer if nobody is protecting me," and Aragorn says, "That makes sense," and Sam says, "Wait, I wanna come -- look, I don't even have the sense to not drown," and Frodo says, "Well, I guess if you are that stupid, it would be best if you came with me." Yeah, whatever. If it were me, I'd take Aragorn, but I suppose it's more suspenseful if the hillbilly is all our hero has to turn to.

And then the movie ends. Just like that. HELLO, MISTER JACKSON, YOU FORGOT TO FILM THE REST OF THE MOVIE. Yeah, yeah, I know -- the next two thirds of the story will be coming in two more films. It is so typical of HOLLYWOOD to shaft its patrons for an extra buck or two. Why give audiences a whole movie for one admission price if they'll pay three times for it?

I'll tell you one thing. Mr. Jackson is not seeing any more of my money unless the trailers for the next two episodes show Tom Bombadil leading some good old-fashioned orc chorus lines.

(P.S.: April Fools.)