There are no excuses for a movie like this. My theory is that the director, editor, and producer were blind chimps that got test audiences from the county morgue. The only reason I rented it was because my uncle and cousin told me that the movie was so pathetic, the only reason it wasn't on MST3K is because it would cost too much for them to get the licensing. Of course I was intrigued. This movie had my dad and I slapping our foreheads about every thirty seconds as the general dumbness was painfully obvious. I don't remember some of it, so praise me for not poisoning your brains.

The first scene of any note is a party being held for the people who are going to Mars. A Tim Meadows-like fellow, who enjoys reading to his kid and promised him that they'd finish the book (this means Meadows is nigh-expendable, he will ALMOST die, but come back to finish the book), a Russian, and Generic Man. The party just gets under way when Past Guilt Man (Gary Sinise, who should not have been in this movie -- he's too good) shows up to sit by himself and drink beer while remembering his dead wife. Tim Robbins is in there somewhere. He drives a Corvette.

The next scene that you won't care about is when we see our brave extras, the guy who looks like Tim Meadows, the Russian guy, and the Generic Man going into space. They are on the surface of Mars looking for...um, something. They never make it clear. Maybe it was cool red rocks or some such stuff like that. Anyway, while they are doing stuff, Tim Meadows hits a wrong button and makes the planet mad. While his friends are out doing, well, other stuff, a 200 foot sand snake come out of the ground. Then they ran away. Oh, wait, no, that's what they would have done if this were a good movie. They sort of stand there and look dumbfounded (actually it was more like dumb) at the 200 foot sand beast that is right in front of them. Then Tim Meadows gets on the radio to warn them...oops, I'm sorry, I meant that he just stands there and watches his friends get sucked in.

Now this is one of the coolest things I have ever seen and made this movie worth the rental fee. The Russian Guy gets spun apart. The whirlwind of sand actually spins him so fast that the centrifugal force makes him fly apart. My dad just looks at me and says "That...was...so...COOL!" Then we laughed and slapped our foreheads again.

Well, now we get back to Earth to see that they have lost contact with the Mars thingamobob. Past Guilt Man and Tim Robbins *act* and convince Crusty Old Fart to let them go into space and do a Typical Rescue. Tim Robbins takes his wife with him so that they can make Gary Sinise feel worse. Then a lot of stuff happens that really has nothing to do at all with the plot. Once they're up, one of Crewmen Expendable makes a DNA chain out of M&Ms. I wouldn't mention this, except that it is actually IMPORTANT. At one point, Gary Sinise is watching old home movies of him and his wife (does he take them everywhere?) for 18 minutes of the movie. I fast forwarded, and it was still long. While feeling sorry for himself and dragging the audience down with him, he goes and sees Tim Robbins and Wife dancing with each other in zero-g. When they notice they are being watched by Past Guilt Man, they begin to feel guilty because their spouses are living. Again, another forehead slap.

From this point forward, absolutely NOTHING will go right. They get a leak in the hull somewhere and have to patch it. Past Guilt Man gets the bright idea of using their sponsor's product (Dr. Pepper) to find the hole. It works, but still OTHER things go wrong. Now they're all in space (with their suits on, unfortunately) and have to jump to this satellite thingy. Tim Robbins misses (of course), and his wife uses her grappling hook to try to get him. Since this is a movie, the grappling hook is a micrometer too short, and then we have some *drama*. Eventually, after some tension-lacking moments, Tim Robbins decides that this movie sucks, takes his halmet off, and he turns into an ice cube, REALLY fast I might add. My dad and I cheer, give each other high fives, and slap our foreheads.

Now they get down to the planet's surface by way of a Plot Improbability. I don't remember what it was. When the remaining main characters get to the surface, the happen to land pretty much exactly where Tim Meadows' Mars car is. Pretty lucky, huh? They find an insane Tim Meadows, he tries to kill Gary Sinise, doesn't succeed, my dad and I think to ourselves "better luck next time," and suddenly Tim Meadows is sane again. *Slap*!

Mr. Meadows lets them know that his friends were idiots and were sucked up by a giant sand beast, and they all look sad and pouty. Well, more than they already did. They think that this sand snake is the guard to a door or something. Since they happen to be right next to that face on Mars, it all makes sense now! Sorta. Ok, not at all, but go with me here. Then Past Guilt Man remembers the M&Ms and thinks that this might be relevant somehow. *Slap*! He punches in a human DNA strand code into the computer or something, I don't know -- I was kinda knocking myself silly from all the forehead slapping. And then this big door opens on the side of the face. Then they all decide to go in.

Disclaimer: if you smash your head against something hard after reading the intense stupidity I am about to describe, don't sue me.

They enter a really nice all-white room with plenty of nice fresh oxygen. At this point a forehead slap would have only knocked me out, and I kinda wanted to see the rest of it. So they decide to take their helmets off. Then this big door opens, and it looks an awful lot like that black obelisk in "2001: A Space Odyssey" is rising out of the floor. They (gasp) enter the room. It looks like a big planetarium. Then this rather creepy and skinny red alien comes out to greet them. Apparently he's been living there for millions of years waiting for everything to evolve into humans so he could be found by astronauts and could reveal the mystery of how life formed on this planet. It turns out that God had nothing to do with forming life at all. Instead, we were evolved from alien DNA. Massive *Slap*! Aliens "seed" all the livable planets. One of them decided to stay on Mars and monitor us from a giant sand face and destroy all those who didn't punch in the right code. Then we have a "sad" scene in which Gary Sinise wants to stay with the aliens, because he (sob) has no wife or friends. (My Dad and I said, "good riddance.") So the other three make it back to earth, and Tim Meadows can read to his kid. This movie insulted me on so many levels, it was nauseating. I'd rent it again in a heartbeat.

Rating: three turkeys if you see it on network TV without the Russian Guy getting spun apart. A full blown five turkeys if you see it on a rented tape.