I just had the displeasure of sitting through this movie. Let me start by saying that there is nothing on this earth that will prepare you for the awesome horribleness that is "Battlefield Earth." NOTHING. You can watch "Plan 9 From Outer Space" and "Reefer Madness" back to back and your mind will still not be tenderized enough to deal with all the plot contrivances and just plain idiocy of the whole film. John Travolta should be deported to whatever planet he came from and take his science-ology friends with him.

Now that I have that out of the way, I can get on with the review. These aliens called psychos, er, psychlos have conquered earth in the year 2000. The movie takes place in the year 3000. You know that you have a bad movie when the setting is Earth in a big round year with three zeros -- especially when the two most pivotal moments in history BOTH take place on big round years with three zeros. I'd point out all the stupidness in this movie, but that would require a scene to scene breakdown of the movie. So I'll hit on the highlights instead.

- John Travolta plays a big, comically dumb, eleven fingered, cliched, massive fop of an alien security chief. (Well, he USUALLY has eleven fingers. Watch the finger count change as the movie progresses.) His favorite expression is "man-animal." He says this EVERY FIVE SECONDS. It would have been more efficient to just call them "manimals," which is the term my friend came up with after being traumatized by this movie.

- After letting some of the manimals to escape, Travolta watches them to find out what their favorite food is. After watching them for five minutes, the first thing the manimals run across that even resembles food is a rat. Of course, they dig right in. So, automatically, this is our favorite food. But wait, there's more.

- Every scene ends with a wipe. What I mean is, it looks like the curtains are opening. The last scene is wiped out in favor of a new, crappier scene.

- The incredible fat of the head of the mining colony is a sight to behold. His chin hangs over the front of his shirt. It's like Jabba the Hutt in a pullover.

- All the psychlos think that humans are so stupid that we don't have the intelligence to pick our noses. Yet the psychlos have set up on earth IN THE BUILDINGS THAT THE MANIMALS BUILT.

- Our brave blonde Tommy Cruise wannabe of a hero learns all the knowledge that the psychlos have to offer through a plot contrivance known as a "learning machine." This teaches him about everything, including Euclidian Geometry, even though that is a term that humans came up with that the psychlos would have no way of knowing.

- All humans revert to paganism the second they have been defeated by the psychlos.

- A psychlo in the movie says, "You'll be happier than a baby psychlo on a straight diet of Gerbango." Gerbango is the psychlo version of alcohol. And why would a psychlo refer to its own species when talking about babies? Wouldn't you just assume that you're talking about your own species? This phrase is the equivalent of me saying, "You'll be happier than a human baby on a straight diet of beer."

- Our super intelligent main character blond hero says "nucular" while the idiot friend that is just above monkey intelligence says "nuclear" properly.

- John Travolta wants to get some gold from the mountains and decides he wants the manimals to do it for him. He asks them to fill up at least half the cage with gold. Later one of the manimals says, "Man, we'll only be able to fill half that cage." If this isn't stupid enough, later on our blond hero suggests that they could go to Fort Knox to get the gold. Then the other manimal says, "Yeah, but we still need to figure out where we're going to get the gold." It gets even stupider when our superintelligent hero can't read a map. It hits the pinnacle of stupidity when they return with the gold and John Travolta doesn't even find it strange that the gold is in BARS.

- To show how good a shot he is, John Travolta decides to go shoot the legs off cows. So he pulls out his gun and blows off a leg of a cows. Now, what do you expect when an animal has a limb blown off? Blood, right? Well, not only was there no blood, but the leg just skidded across the ground in a spiral fashion, and the cow (which looked like it was made from oak) just sort of mooed and teetered over. It is the funniest scene in the movie. Not to mention the fact that the laser guns go "bang."

- The manimals decide to revolt. They go to Washington, DC, to get supplies. When they arrive, they find newly polished M16s, fueled Harrier jets, and a working flight trainer with power.

- Our blond hero is being chased by the aliens. He gets shot in the back with a stun gun and goes running through about ten panes of glass (like in Blade Runner). After landing face first in the glass, he is completely unharmed and has no cuts or bruises.

- This is the absolute stupidest part of this movie. The psychlos' atmosphere reacts violently to radiation -- that is, that the aliens' air will blow up if exposed to any radiation at all. Now, correct me if I'm wrong (and I'm not), but isn't radiation EVERYWHERE?!? So our brave heroes decide to go get some radiation. Which brings me to point two. Radiation isn't a substance. It's a wave, which is why it's everywhere. You can have radium, radon, plutonium, uranium, etc., but you can't have a lump of fresh, steaming radiation. If the psychlos' air really did react to radiation, then let's hope that their home planet is not revolving around a STAR or they're in big trouble.

Rating: 4 turkeys, just for the cow leg incident.

Best line: "Wait a minute. We were hunting. We don't have time to talk."