Jean-Claude Van Damme. The very name conjures up images of a diminutive man who is the best kick-boxer in a nation twice the size of Connecticut. Images of a Gumbi-like doll of a man who instigated a fight with a strip club bouncer and lost. Perhaps even images of a squat little mass of muscles who was charged with spousal abuse and cocaine addition who also is working on his fifth divorce. Yes, a true national hero. Luckily, he's not from my nation.

Years before VD made such great movies as "Timecop," "Street Fighter," and "Knock/Off," he starred in the film "Cyborg," a movie directed by the man responsible for the straight to video "Captain America," Andrew Dice Clay's "Brain Smasher: A Love Story" (co-starring Teri Hatcher!), the 1996 Rutger Hauer epic "Omega Doom," and other assorted crimes against humanity. "Cyborg" writer Kitty Chalmers' other masterpiece is, of course, Kathy Ireland's "Journey to the Center of the Earth," the punk rock version of Jules Verne's story and sequel to "Alien from L.A.," most often seen with a silhouette of a guy and two robots talking during the movie. Other people whose-fault-it-is include Deborah Richter, Vincent Klyn, and Alex Daniels, people whom you've never heard of before and will never hear from again.

(That last statement isn't 100% true. According to the Internet Movie Database, Alex Daniels appeared as "Observatory Guard" in "Batman & Robin." Yes, he's been in a worse movie than "Cyborg." Hard to do, but he managed to accomplish what was once thought impossible.)

Normally, every Jean-Claude Van Damme movie has that bit where they explain why he talks kinda funny. He's either a fire inspector from Quebec, a Creole from Louisiana, or he was raised by a pack of dingos. But he's never from Belguim. I find this incredibly odd. Why not just say he's from Belguim? As a matter of fact, why even try to draw attention to his accent? "Cyborg" is one of the few VD movies where they don't try to explain his accent. As only sixteen words are spoken in the film, there just wasn't time.

"Cyborg" takes place in the future (probably 1995 or something). It's a post-apocalypic future where there's lush vegetation all about. Apparently, civilization has collapsed, anarchy runs rampant, and people named after guitars run around kicking each other. VD is Gibson Rickenbacker. The bad guy is Fender. There's someone named Strat and someone named Tremolo and probably more people named after guitars than I (or anyone else) care about. There's also some cyborg chick who has the information some scientists need down in Atlanta to end the plague. For some reason, the bad guy wants to stop the cyborg chick from getting to Atlanta. Maybe he likes the plague. Who knows? Kitty Chalmers, but she's not telling anybody.

VD rescues the cyborg chick, and together they run to Atlanta to have the final guitar showdown. Along the way, Jean-Claude dies about six or seven times. One time, he's crucified after being chased across a desert by a guy wearing a chainmail tabard. He somehow survives by kicking the cross he's nailed to and falls about thirty feet. But don't worry gang, he's ok! Yes, despite being beaten almost to death, being skewered to a ship's mast (in the middle of a desert?) with arrows, dehydrating in the desert, and falling thirty feet, he's absolutely fine.

Sometime, in this whole mess of a movie, he has a flashback to happier days. He lives with his wife and daughter in a nice house in a nice forested area, acting as if civilization hadn't collapsed, anarchy doesn't run rampant, people aren't named after guitars, etc., when the gang led by the Bad Guy shows up and proceeds to kill everyone. In a tender moment, the Bad Guy trusses up Mr. and Mrs. Claude Van Damme in barbed wire, suspends them over a well, and forces their daughter to hold on. Of course, she can't, and the Van Damme family falls down the well. What happens to the littlest Van Damme? She joins the Bad Guy's Krewe. "Thanks for killing my parents and traumatizing me for life. Say, are you hiring?"

So now we finally get to Atlanta where the funniest line of dialogue is spoken. Unfortunately, it's a family site, so I can't repeat what it was. I can hint. It's a curse word made up of two words. As Van Damme and Bad Guy square off to fight, one shouts the first half of that naughtiest of all naughty words. The other finishes the line of dialogue.

Just so you don't have to rent the movie, JCVD wins.

Scene to watch for: A man wearing a chainmail dress runs through a desert and catches Our Hero.

Best line: "[bleep]" "[bleep]" (they then run at each other and fight)

Things that make you go "Huh"?: Two, count 'em, two sequels.

Response From RinkWorks:

Wow. I need to watch this movie again. I never actually caught the fact that everyone is named after guitars. That RULES.