"Batman & Robin" is too painful to watch. First off, it's really Batman & Robin & Batgirl, but they don't call it that in hopes that when Alicia Silverstone is revealed as Batgirl, it'll come as a surprise to anyone who hasn't seen any of the commercials, trailers, interviews, toys, billboards, or crawled out from under a rock in the six months before the movie came out. Secondly, some bank out there is giving out credit cards with unbelievable credit limits to people wearing masks, no questions asked. It must come with a really high APR, that's all I've got to say.

George Clooney and Robin go off to fight a villain who uses ice as a motif (Arnold Schwarzenbagel). They've never fought him before; they never knew he existed. Yet, they have ice skates in their boots, and Bat-Warmers just in case they ever fought someone to used ice as a motif. Anyway, Mister Freeze sprays plastic icicles all over everything he can see, because he needs diamonds to power his suit so he can heal his wife who's dead-ish. George and Robin escape from an exploding rocketship by surfing to Earth. Meanwhile in a large greenhouse, Uma Thurman uses the Captain America experiment to turn Some Guy into Bane but gets killed and is brought back to life by a plant. Uma and Some travel to Gotham City because that's were you go if you're a supervillain so you can eventually be defeated by Batman, George Clooney or not.

Alicia Silverstone shows up and becomes Batgirl. A lot of pointless things happen, and Arnold freezes all of Gotham City after Uma falls into a plant or something. Despite having only twelve minutes to save the city, the Bat Family change into new costumes and get into new vehicles so new toys can be sold to kids who saw the movie. Little do they realize that this was futile as these toys quickly moved to the remaindered bin. George, Alicia, and Chris fight Arnold who strangely enough doesn't die at the end of the movie but is shipped off to Arkham Asylum where, in what was probably a scheduling snafu at the front desk, he's forced to share a room with Uma Thurman. Oh, and something probably happened to Some Guy, but nobody I've asked can remember what it was.

Rating: 1 turkey. Too painful to watch.

Scene too painful to watch: Batman & Robin bidding on Poison Ivy.

Best line: "I guess we'll have to kill her."

Things that make you go "Huh?": Pretty much the whole thing.