I have a theory that explains why many fantasy movies are basically, as I'm so fond of putting it, soft porn with swords. It goes like this. Fantasy movies are made primarily to appeal to a specific demographic: the gamer nerd. Filmmakers assume (not unjustifiably) that gamer nerds want to see three things in a movie: fancy swordplay, breathtaking magic effects, and submissive naked women. Now, ask yourself this: which is cheapest? Is it cheapest to hire expert swordfighters to train your actors, to hire expert designers and fancy equipment for making magic, or to hire Playboy Bunnies to strip for the camera?

That said, one can enter Deathstalker with suitably dismal expectations. And it does not fail to disappoint. In the opening sequence, we see some buxom woman (I'm not sure if she has any connection to the blonde warrior chick from later on, or if she's just random) running from some evil barbarians who are presumably trying to rape her because, well, that's just what evil barbarians DO. Deathstalker then kills all the barbarians. Why? Because he's a noble hero, and he wants to protect this poor woman? Because he has a debt of vengeance against them? Nope. He kills them because he wants the woman for himself. Meet our hero.

Next we meet the "king." He's sitting on a throne -- in the middle of the woods. The movie makes some half-hearted attempt at explaining this, but it still reeks of "low set budget." He tells Deathstalker to go fight the evil wizard. Deathstalker refuses and 'stalks off to fight the wizard, undeterred.

A bunch of meaningless characters show up. Deathstalker singles out the females and moves in.

Deathstalker and his companions show up at the wizard's tournament. The prize? To become the wizard's heir. The trouble? The wizard is immortal. Deathstalker shows that he is the only halfway-intelligent character in the movie, as he is apparently the only one who realizes that being the heir to a wizard who never dies is not that great a prize.

Lots of bloody (and not particularly well done) combat ensues. The highlight of the whole movie is in this exchange: the annoying jumping spazz guy (if you've seen the movie, you know which one I'm talking about) gets smashed into a bloody puddle by a guy with a gigantic hammer.

Deathstalker's sidekick tries to kill him and dies. Some other guy gets transformed into a chick, tries to seduce Deathstalker and kill him, and dies. Deathstalker finally gets sick of milling around and doing nothing (the previous eighty minutes of the film) and decides that it's finally time to kill the wizard, which he does with disturbing ease; he just sort of walks in, ignores the wizard's evil magic, captures his magic artifacts, and lets random mobs of peasants rip him apart (literally; and I don't care *what* the filmmakers think, if one is drawn and quartered, one does *not* tear in half straight down the middle).

If my review seems a bit slipshod, it's because it's impossible to explain the splendor that is "Deathstalker." As Dave says in his review, there is not a single thing that happens in this film that makes any sense. The solitary point of lucidity in the whole cloud of oddness is Deathstalker's realization that the prize is irrelevant, and, in context, it seems like a brilliant moment. There are so many things that simply cannot be explained, such as the sock-puppet monster that eats eyeballs (it's much, *much* funnier than that makes it sound), or Deathstalker's destroying the items of creation.

On a side note, the actor playing the evil wizard defies the entire genre by almost being genuinely good. I'm convinced that, with more characterization and a larger role, he could have done something worthwhile. But he doesn't get nearly enough screen time. And everybody else gets far too much.

The caption on the back of the box begins by mentioning "PLAYBOY PLAYMATE BARBI BENTON." Yup, that's right -- Deathstalker loses top billing to the highest-paid stripper.

Rating: five turkeys.

Scene to watch for: Any appearance of the sock-puppet monster.

Best line: "I've ruled longer than most of you have lived. Now I'm old."

Things that make you go "Huh?": Why Deathstalker would refuse so strongly when the "king" asks him to go fight the wizard and then waste no time heading off to do just that.