After reading many reviews on this site, I thought that I would like to become a bad movie lover. Living in a small town, the local video stores have little else than big Hollywood hits, and I feared my dream to write a review on here would go unrealized.

Until yesterday, when I discovered "Jack Frost 2" on the shelf at the video store. Oh, joy. I had not watched any of the movies on Dave's list, and "JK2" seemed to be the perfect way to start my journey into this wonderful world. And I was not disappointed.

"Jack Frost 2: Revenge of the Mutant Killer Snowman" is filled with those moments that just scream, "Turkey!" We open with Sam, the small town sheriff, sitting in a psychiatrist's office exactly one year after Sam killed Jack with antifreeze. The psychiatrist is clearly annoyed to have to listen to Sam talk about Jack Frost AGAIN, and so he pushes the intercom button on his phone, allowing his secretary to listen to Sam tell his tale. Sam speaks in rhyme, butchering several Christmas carol lyrics to do this, and the secretary is loving it. She's laughing, the doctor is laughing, and Sam never stops. The secretary calls her friends over to the phone to listen -- a construction worker and an elderly nurse. What??

Cut to a cemetery. Gomer Pyle (in a very unconvincing accent) is showing another man where Jack Frost is buried. Gomer justifies this incredibly stupid act by saying, "You say there's a reward for this, do ya?" Of course, the man kills Gomer and digs up the remains. Um, who is this man? We never find out who dug up Jack.

Next, we're in a lab. At least, it's a room with a lot of beakers, test tubes, and one microscope. Two scientists are doing tests on some liquid. They never talk, even though we're led to believe that they do this testing for well over eight hours. Never say a word. One of the scientists heats up some coffee in the microwave and has a wondrous experience drinking it. Watch for that -- it's priceless. Suddenly, it's nighttime, and the cleaning guy comes in. He is the best -- he starts bodyslamming the equipment and the holding tanks while cleaning the floor. Of course, he knocks the scientist's coffee mug into a vat of liquid. Obviously, the scientist didn't love his coffee THAT much, because there's enough left in the mug to cause a major reaction with this liquid. What do ya know? Coffee reverses the effects of old antifreeze, and Jack's back. Naturally, he explodes, melts, and goes down a drain.

We go see Sam again, and he and his wife, Ann, are getting ready to go on a vacation with Joe and Marla (best friends of Sam and Ann). Joe and Marla are to be married on this trip, and everyone is excited to be going. Everyone except Sam, who can't stop thinking about Jack Frost. Sam whines and moans, and everyone tells him to shut up. Ann says it will be good for him to get away, because that's what the psychiatrist said. Would you listen to a guy that broadcast your private session to his secretary? By the way, the vacation will be on a tropical island.

Oh, look, we're on the tropical island! Trolley pulls up with a load of tourists, and we're treated to a "Fantasy Island" flashback as two men, the Colonel and Bobby, discuss each of the guests. The Colonel runs this resort, and Bobby is his stereotypical Jamaican bartender. The Colonel tells us what each of the guests will learn or accomplish while on the island, and Bobby gets a little skeptical. Bobby delivers our first memorable quote: "Not everybody has to have a life story, mon. Some of these people, they're just here for a vacation."

Turns out that Sam has planned for this to be a second honeymoon for him and Ann. This is a total surprise to Ann, who was just planning on using this vacation to relax. Hello?? You're on a tropical island, and the kid is back on the mainland with relatives. You never even considered doing the second honeymoon thing?? And, what exactly will they be doing differently now that this vacation has an official title? Because throughout the rest of the movie, Sam and Ann are out there with all the other guests and never even try to sneak off for a little time alone.

Ok, now we are on a life raft with two men. They squabble about whether it's time to eat yet and end up fighting over the last bit of food. It's a carrot. This is one HECK of a carrot, as you'll see. This carrot can strike terror in the hearts of men, especially if it's used to stab. That blunt rounded end is scary, believe me. One of the men goes overboard during the scuffle, and he disappears. We hear Jack say, "One down, one to go." Jack loves corny one-liners. Jack stabs the other man, who has the best last words of the movie. He looks up and says, "Oh, suck." Who writes this stuff? Anyway, Jack gets the carrot.

And, we're back on the island where we see a carrot wash up in the surf. Shiny, shiny carrot. And, apparently, a shiny carrot with the ability to wiggle and talk. Few things in life are as surreal as a wiggling, talking carrot on a beach. Great stuff.

The carrot hears some girls a little ways off, talking about how they need more charcoal for their beach fire. Now, is it just me, or would it make a little more sense to make a fire with wood? Who builds a campfire with charcoal? But, it is a plot advancer, as Jack needs charcoal to give himself eyes. The girls can't decide who will venture back for the charcoal, so one of them suggests that they "pick straws." Whatever. One wanders off and finds the charcoal lined up nicely in the middle of nowhere. We see her from above, and we discover that apparently, carrots can climb trees. Icicles start falling, but Jack keeps missing her. Finally, he gets frustrated enough that he shapes himself into an anvil and drops on her head, totally crushing her. The laws of physics do not apply on this tropical island, because we see some blood squirt on the TOP of the anvil. Wow.

The other two coeds buy it in non-memorable ways, and we've got three dead on the island so far. Jack has his nose and his eyes.

We're back with Sam at the resort bar, and we're introduced to the entertainment director, one Captain Fun. And, if Sam is truly as depressed and strung out as we are supposed to believe, Capt. Fun is lucky to walk away without a broken jaw. Capt. Fun acts like he's been on a diet of coffee and no-doz for a month solid, and he's the last thing Sam wants to see. However, Captain Fun talks Sam into some karaoke, which consists of Sam, Ann, Bob, and Marla singing "Jingle Bells." And, Bob doesn't know the words.

The next morning, Sam and Ann are waking up when Capt. Fun bursts in and jumps onto the bed between them, hollering about the day's planned activities. This is their second honeymoon, remember? Again, Capt. Fun is fortunate to escape with all of his limbs intact. Skip on over to Bob and Marla's cabin, and we find them in separate beds. I love this resort's concept of "honeymoon."

We are now on the beach, and we meet one Agent Manners. I didn't see the first Jack Frost movie, but from what I could gather, Agent Manners was supposedly killed by Jack a year ago. He's sporting an eye patch, the only sign of that fateful night. He's no longer an agent but Head of Island Security. And, I must say, there haven't been very many actors that can over-act on the same level as Manners.

Because of Manners' extreme style, the movie now starts laughing at itself. Marla starts it off by making fun of him, and even Sam begins to point out how silly Manners is being. Pretty near ruined the move, but thankfully Manners isn't given much exposure during the rest of the film.

Before he cartwheels off into obscurity, though, he and the Colonel are called upon to attend one of the coed's bodies. To the couple who discover the body lying in the middle of a walking path, the Colonel offers free room service for the duration of their stay on the island. Huh? They're at an "everything provided" resort, which would presumably cover room service. Of course, they agree to the deal and wander off happily. Mr. Manners and the Colonel seem nonplussed to have a dead body in front of them, and they walk off -- leaving the body there! They don't even block off the path. We hear nothing more about this poor girl for the rest of the movie.

The Colonel decides that calling the police on the mainland should be his next step. However, Bobby informs him that the satellite is out. Good ol' Bobby goes to fix the satellite, which is a small fuse box in the basement. Someone should inform NASA that they're spending way too much money on their programs, since, obviously, satellites can be repaired by fiddling with a few fuses. Needless to say, Bobby isn't up to the task, and we're left with no hope for assistance from the outside.

Come on over to the beach again, where a swimsuit model and a photographer are set up. Before you males get too excited, you should know that 40-year-old women sporting canker sores are not the greatest thing to gaze upon. But, Jack shows up, and he likes the model. The photographer decides that Ms. Model needs to...liven up...so he gives her an ice cube. Guess who the ice cube actually is! The model's facial expressions as she does her thing with the ice cube are priceless. Immediately after she's done with the ice cube, the photographer throws a scarf over the model's shoulders, completely hiding what was...livened.

The model asks for an iced coffee, and Jack's on the job again. However, this time, Ms. Model chews her ice cubes, and this makes Jack angry. Naturally, he causes her head to explode. He still needs to kill the photographer, but first Jack takes some polaroids of himself "torturing" the poor man. You've got to see these pictures.

Jack takes the scarf and leaves.

We head on over to the archery range. Sam, Ann, and Marla are shooting. Keeping with the established theme of absurdity, Marla barely puts enough pressure on the bow to shoot the arrow two feet. But, her arrows not only clear the target area, they go sailing an additional fifty yards across the beach to land at the water's edge. Finally, she hits a target and screams, "Bullseye!" and immediately runs out to retrieve her arrow. Have YOU ever been to a shooting range? If so, did you disturb the other shooters by screaming? And, did it ever cross your mind to run out onto the range while the folks around you are still shooting? Marla deserves to die.

Manners next arranges a meeting with Sam to recruit him into working. Sam's protests that he's only there on vacation fall on deaf ears. Captain Fun is in this meeting also, and we discover that he's "on our side." Good place for him. Anyway, Capt. Fun has a plan to force the killer's hand.

It's a masquerade ball! Surely, with everyone in disguise, the killer will feel secure enough to kill again. By the way, where did all of these people get costumes?

At the ball, it's party-time for everyone except Sam, Manners, and Captain Fun. We learn here that Sam is allergic to bananas.

Jack puts in an appearance at the party, whisking back and forth through the crowd at a high rate of speed. Sam sees this and chases Jack out onto the tennis courts. Jack loses his nose, and the carrot lets Sam know that he's on the right trail. A snowman approaches Sam, Sam picks up an oar (of course they leave oars lying around the tennis courts), and Sam nails the snowman upside the head. Sam really puts his weight into this blow, and the snowman drops. Manners arrives on the scene and pulls Snowman's mask off. Oh, no! It's actually the Colonel, dressed up for the ball! The blow that Sam delivered would kill a normal man, but the Colonel only needs a drink of water, and he's right as rain.

Time for Ann to confront Sam about his inability to let go of this whole Jack Frost thing. She accuses Sam of neglecting their marriage in order to pursue Jack. She whines, "Jack Frost is dead, and he's pulling us apart!" Not such a funny line on paper, but her delivery makes it hilarious.

Jack hasn't killed anybody for a while, so he finds a skinny-dipping beautiful young woman. While she's swimming underwater, he causes a layer of ice to form on top of the water. As she's drowning, Jack stands over her, and we get our first look at his face. It was worth the wait. He looks like Frosty, only friendlier. The only things marring his sunny good looks are his eyebrow sticks.

Apparently, Jack is bored again and decides to kick it up a notch. Did you know that one snowman on a tropical island can cause the temperature to drop low enough that it snows six inches? Woo-hoo! Snow on the island! We, the audience, are given a five minute lecture on how this is actually meteorogically possible. The guests come out to play. Snowball fight!

Jack wants in on the fun, so he starts throwing snowballs, too. The only problem is, he hurls them hard enough to knock off limbs. We get a priceless shot of a guy losing an arm because of a snowball hit. This causes widespread panic, and everyone runs back to their cabins.

Sam and Manners decide to hunt Jack down and kill him. Walking bravely up to a snowman in front of his cabin, Sam reveals that he's been wearing a vial of concentrated antifreeze around his neck for the past year. He throws this precious fluid on the snowman before thinking to check to see if it's really Jack Frost. Anyone care to guess on this one?

Back in the cabin, Ann is starting to believe that Sam may be right about this Jack Frost thing. But, why is Jack HERE? How did he find Sam? Someone remembers that Sam was wounded while he was setting up the antifreeze trap last year. So, in accordance with B-movie logic, Sam's and Jack's DNA must have spliced when Jack fell in the trap. Of course.

Well, Sam figures, if an antifreeze trap worked last time, it'll work again. A pit is dug in the snow and filled with antifreeze. A white sheet is used to cover the trap, and, for good measure, dried potato flakes are sprinkled over the top to look like snow. Why use the big mound of snow that's over there, when we can use food?

Sam waits at the pit, and, sure enough, here comes Jack. Sam tricks Jack into falling into the trap, and Jack melts. Oh, but wait...Jack Frost isn't defeated by antifreeze this time! He quickly reforms and vomits a snowball for good measure. Sam cannot deal with Jack's coming back and promptly loses his mind.

Jack runs away again.

Joe and Marla decide to bring the vomited snowball into the resort's kitchen. Everyone crowds around the ball, which is sitting in a cast iron pan. The snowball begins to quiver, and voila! it hatches! The new baby smiles sweetly, then launches itself onto Captain Fun's face. Grabbing the pan, Marla backhands the snowball. The good Captain doesn't even whimper. The snowball baby starts to "run" around the kitchen and is soon captured by Ann and Marla. They put it in a blender, hit puree, and giggle maniacally. When the blender is turned off, the snowball forms again. Something else must be done to defeat this thing.

Mr. Manners has been wandering around the island ever since Sam threw the concentrated antifreeze on the harmless snowman. Having no idea of what's been happening, he finds an abandoned shed. He checks inside and finds hundreds of little snowballs with faces. Radioing the others, Manners learns that these are "vicious little killers." So, naturally, he sticks his hand in one of their mouths. A dozen snowballs jump on his neck and start gnawing. We know Manners is dead because we see black cherry Kool-Aid come gushing out from under the shed door. Fitting end.

It's time for Ann to take charge of this whole situation. And, she's ready to kick some snowy heinie.

As Ann, Joe, and the Colonel gear up to seek and destroy the snowballs, Ann shows her true nature. She is thoroughly outfitted in *dangerous* kitchen utensils, and the menfolk only get collander hats to wear. While walking out the door, the Colonel describes why it is best that they split up, rather than go as a group. Sadly, he makes sense.

Ann heads for the bar, where several snowballs have gathered to have themselves a drink or two. She tries several ways to kill them, then finally tosses a left-over cocktail on one. The snowball explodes. Hallelujah!

Rushing back to the kitchen (where all the scaredy cats are hanging out), Ann demands the drink's ingredients from Bobby. Turns out that the drink is made with bananas.

"Bananas!" Ann exclaims. Apparently, when Jack absorbed some of Sam's DNA, Jack also acquired Sam's allergy to bananas.

Everyone helps to make a big ol' pot of squished bananas. Now, is it just me, or do normal people remove banana stems with their hands? In movieland, banana stems are bitten off. Three and four bananas at a time. Ever taste how bitter a banana peel is? These folks are ecstatic as they bite down. They love it.

Time to blow up some babies and a perfect opportunity for a musical montage. Watch as yellow goo is thrown on snowballs to make them explode, and listen as "Taps" is being played. Pay close attention, and you'll see the lit firecrackers in the snowballs before they blow.

Finally, the music ends, and all the babies are dead. Oh, wait! One of them is only injured, and he goes off to tell Daddy what that mean old lady did to all of them. This makes Jack very angry.

Jack Frost, the baddest, meanest, most psychotic snowman on the planet is out to get Ann. He goes to the kitchen and finds her alone. He shapes himself into a wall, then forms another wall to adjoin the first. Ann, standing there, makes no attempt to run. Soon, she's enclosed in a room of snow.

You should see this woman. My heroine no longer. She could have very easily escaped, but for some reason she barely touches the walls of her snow prison. Nary a fingernail scratches ol' Jack, let alone a fist or an elbow. As Jack forms icicles above her and pushes them down towards her head, Ann decides this would be a good time to taunt him. "You should have heard your children scream, Jack!" she hollers. Smart lady.

Just in the nick of time, Sam regains his sanity. He valiantly shoots a banana arrow (yes, a banana arrow) at the big box of snow. There's one heck of an explosion, and finally Jack Frost is dead.

Sam locates Ann, and they embrace and walk off into the sunrise.

Now, this review covered a lot of the movie. But, don't even think that I've ruined it for you. There are many, many scenes that I did not tell you about, and they are just as funny as the ones that I did. You must see this movie.

Scene to watch for: Any scene starring the carrot.

Best line: "Bananas!"

Things that make you go, "Huh?": Getting nailed with an oar on the head and a cast iron pan to the face apparently doesn't cause any real damage, if you live in the tropics.