Ah, "Devil Fish": a cheaply made "Jaws" wannabe made in Italy and set in Florida, this movie features many random and inappropriate scene changes and blue screens that are supposed to imply that the horrible creature is approaching.

Our saga begins with several of the aforementioned inappropriate scene changes that establish our main characters Stella the Stick and Bob the Drunk Marine Biologist. But first, a couple on a boat argue and are attacked by the Devil Fish. The movie's title is shown. Then it is shown again, in case we forgot it in the span of twenty seconds. The Coast Guard investigates a boat and man that were bitten in half by something. Dolphins swim around. Stella gets wet. Bob spills his beer. I swear this is exactly what happens.

Bob returns to shore and plays a blank tape for Stella. They realize their equipment isn't sensitive enough to pick up the Devil Fish's sounds. Bob announces that "Peter is the only one who can help us." Yes, he is. Who is Peter again?

The next scene will establish that. Peter (or Peeeder as the others call him) is an electrician and repairman who is a Geeeneeus as we are told by his backtalking unintelligible assistant. But he can't help -- he's going on vacation! No he isn't, not after Stella smiles at him. He and Assistant Sonya work on Bob and Stella's work order and have a romantic interlude. While they are otherwise occupied, some thugs show up and smash some equipment, devastating Peeeder.

More exposition follows, revealing the Villain and his Love Interest at the WOI. A secretary observes them and leaves, ensuring her own death. She won't die, however, until she is packing her lingerie for a trip. Then Square-Faced Meelo shows up and says menacing things before another random scene change. Later, when the sheriff and his Incredibly Buff sidekick are asking the dead secretary's boss if they know where the recently deceased was going, Love Interest (who happens to be the boss' wife) remarks, "Here at the WOI, we don't poke into people's private lives." I think they'd need to know if she was going on vacation.

After some slow-motion diving, a Viking is bitten in half and taken to the hospital to die. Stella and Bob step up their efforts to discover the Devil Fish, enlisting the help of Peeeder. They are successful in recording the sound of Devil Fish. Peeeder is astonished. "It's not a shark," he reports. "How would you know, electrician?" Bob sneers. Frankly, I was taken aback by the hate in that line.

Since our heroes have to cross paths with the villains at some point, they take the recording to the WOI for analysis. Bob, showing rare intelligence, gets a second opinion in the form of his old friend, Janet the Brainy One Who Will Be Killed Soon.

Some more stuff happens which I have blocked from my conscious memory. Sonya gets killed by Meelo and people go scuba diving.

Peeeder decides that he can lure Devil Fish to them by slightly changing its recorded voice to make it think a mate was nearby. How does he know what the mate would sound like? In fact, I think one of the characters points out that they don't know if Devil Fish even has a mate. And why would they want to attract a fish that has killed several humans? But all our petty quibbles don't matter, because Peeeder is a Geeneeus.

Back at sea, Peeeder and Stella prepare to lure Devil Fish. Romantic tension ensues between them and Bob and Janet. One of their buoys stops working, so Peeeder and Stella go out to fix it, leaving Bob and Janet to be attacked by Devil Fish. While Peeeder and Stella are reenacting scenes from "10," Bob gets a good look at Devil Fish. "A shark with tentacles!" he exclaims. No, actually it looks like an octopus with teeth. It doesn't matter what it looks like, though, because Bob is eaten and Janet goes crazy.

Back at WOI, the boss suspects something and goes to his talking computer to confirm these suspicions. The computer ain't talkin' though, inspiring a bickering match between man and machine. After watching a film strip of cartoon cells dividing, the boss determines that Devil Fish is only eight months old and can reproduce from one cell. He calls the Coast Guard and sends them out to roast the Everglades.

Stella, Janet, and Peeeder, not ones to be set back by, or learn from, the death of a researcher, resume their attempts to lure Devil Fish to them. Something else goes wrong, this time with the camera I think, so Peeeder and Stella go scuba diving again. Therein follows the most thrilling fight sequence of all: the UNDERWATER FIGHT SCENE!

Meelo boards ship and kills Janet. Stella, escaping the thrilling slow-motion water fight below, returns to be captured by Meelo. Devil Fish returns and eats the villains, allowing Peeeder to escape. He discovers Meelo tying up Stella, so what does he do? He lunges at Meelo, pushing them both BACK INTO THE WATER. No accumulated memory at all. Stella whimpers on board as Devil Fish eats Meelo and knocks her into the water. Peeeder escapes and stabs the water behind Stella to free her. Back on board they discover Janet's body, yet remain unaffected.

Finally, finally, finally we reach the Thrilling Conclusion. The boss at WOI has finished arguing with his computer and stalks off. He is confronted with the Villain and the Villain's gun. The standard melodramatic dialogue ensues, complete with a, "No, you're the one who is mad," uttered by Love Interest, revealing her adultery. The boss follows up with the best jilted lover line EVER. Suddenly, the sheriff, Buff Sidekick, Stella, and Peeeder emerge from the shadows, kill Villain, and prepare to kill Devil Fish.

This is how they do it: Peeeder sails off alone to establish himself as the hero while Stella whimpers some more and the Coast Guard pours gas into the Florida swamps. Devil Fish again attacks Peeeder, who is pulled out of the water at the last minute by the Coast Guard. In the Everglades, a few boatloads of Coast Guard men are eaten. The sheriff orders the surviving members to torch the water, roasting Devil Fish while Peeeder, our hero, watches.

Later, Peeeder is again going on vacation. Stella shows up and asks him where he is going. "To the mountains," he replies. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.

Rating: five turkeys.

Scene to watch for: Meelo's reaction to being eaten by Devil Fish.

Best line: "He'd sit on his mother's head if there was something to gain from it."

Things that make you go "Huh?": Why did Bob hang a stuffed monkey on his boat?