Oh. My. This is the first Godzilla movie I have ever seen, and from what I've heard, is very much like the first ones. But anyway.

We start off with our, umm, heroes: Shinoda, his daughter Aio (annoying kid in short shorts alert!), and Yuki, the plucky, foul-mouthed reporter. Yuki is here to take photos. Shinoda and Aio are trying to find Godzilla by driving around in a perfectly normal vehicle with some logos spattered on it and a few bicycles (!) strapped to the back. Plus, computer equipment galore is inside. Uh, yeah.

The details I have for you are a bit sketchy, because the pacing of the film is way, WAY off. It's much too fast in the beginning, switching from one thing to another. We are (too) quickly introduced to our evil, handsome, and rather tall villain, Katagiri, who is always wearing a trenchcoat. The sun is shining, it's nice and warm, and he is in a trenchcoat. I think perhaps the trenchcoat is actually a symbiotic being or a tumor disguised as a trenchcoat. Or perhaps he has a midget under there, holding him up to make him seem taller. We also are introduced to a fellow whose name I have forgotten, who I shall dub "Loveable Nerd." LN and Katagiri are old friends of Shinoda, just to let you know, and LN is working with Katagiri. LN and Katagiri find a rock in the ocean. The rock flies around a bit, then Godzilla destroys some things, the rock turns into a UFO and gets on top of a tower (!), and we get some technobabble about the UFO sucking up all of Tokyo's data (?), and that this will cause the end of civilization (!).

Anyway, Godzilla appears. The UFO manages to get a hold of some data on Godzilla's regenerating cells (introduced earlier in the movie) and transforms itself into a REALLY ugly monster. The UFO monster and Godzilla fight, and the UFO monster gradually becomes uglier. Then Godzilla wins. Then Godzilla turns around, and Katagiri stands there like an idiot. Godzilla kills Katagiri, who yells "Godziiiiiiiiiilla!!!" just before he buys it.

Then Godzilla just stands there and stares at LN, Shinoda, Aio, and Yuki. Yuki ponders over why Godzilla is not attacking them. And here, here is the defining moment of this movie, the moment that made a couple of young men, two rows down from us, and my mother and me crack up laughing. Shinoda replies, "Perhaps it is because...Godzilla is inside us all." Yes, how true it is, as my boyfriend rephrased it, that we have a 500 foot tall atomic fire-breathing lizard in all of us.

We are treated to "The End...OR IS IT?" in big cheesy green type and Godzilla screaming one last time before we cut to the credits.

Rating: five, roasted, basted, well-done turkeys.

Response From RinkWorks:

Wouldn't that hurt, if Godzilla was inside you?