My local video store was having a "7 movies for 7 days" special so I took the opportunity to rent a lot of sure-fire turkeys to mock and laugh at.

Of all the bad movies I rented, "Demonic Toys" was the worst. In fact, I'd say this is the worst movie I've seen in years, beating even my old favorites. Where to start? The casting is atrocious. The movie "stars" Tracy Scoggins: she plays a tough, street-smart New York cop who spends most of the movie crying, whining, or being a nuisance. Not only did the director decide to go overboard with the stereotypes, he did a lousy job with it, too. Other stereotypes appearing in the movie are the spunky little girl, the talentless and grossly overweight security guard, and the street-smart punk kid, who also doubles as the love interest.

When the movie starts, Tracy and her partner/love interest are waiting for a couple of gun runners to appear so they can bust them for shipping in illegal Russian guns. Tracy takes this opportunity to tell her boyfriend that she's pregnant. The boyfriend is overjoyed and wants to marry Tracy. At this point we were all sure he was a goner, and, sure enough, he was. The criminals appear, and the deal gets going. Just as the criminals are ready to sell the weapons, Tracy's partner yells, "You're under arrest" and pulls his gun -- while a criminal with a Russian automatic rifle is standing behind him. Using his lightning speed, he shoots the bad guy behind him but falls victim to the other guy, while Tracy stands by with her gun, doing nothing. As the criminal runs away laughing, Tracy gives chase, and they end up in an old warehouse. The near-dead criminal gets up and follows Tracy and the perp into the warehouse.

At this point we're introduced to the lecherous nightwatchman, who spends his time on the job drinking, eating, and reading smutty magazines. The street-smart kid is a fried chicken delivery guy, who comes to deliver him a basket of deep-fried goodies. We are shown that he's got a cool attitude when he tells his boss and co-workers to stick it when they ask him to actually do his job properly.

Meanwhile the wounded criminal has staggered into the warehouse and collapses in a heap right in the center of a huge, glowing circle surrounded by evil-looking toys. The toys come to life and tear the guy apart, splattering glowing blood all over the circle and apparently getting more powerful in the process.

We are now introduced to the most obnoxious character in any movie, ever. Beating out even Wesley Crusher, here's the Whoopsie-Daisy Doll. Think of a female Chucky who makes rude jokes, cusses up a storm, and kills people while saying "Whoopsie Daisy" in an annoying voice.

Despite this all happening not 30 meters away from the security guard and the chicken delivery guy, they fail to hear his horrible screams for help and the loud cackling of the evil toys (yes, they all cackle). Still trapped in the store room, Tracy gets a big idea and shoots in the air, trying to get the attention of anyone else who might be in the warehouse. Sure enough, after emptying the clip, the chicken guy hears her and, with the incompetent security guard, comes to save her.

Introducing herself as a police officer, Tracy tells the guard to go call for help, because she can't leave the perp alone "after what he did." This despite the fact that he is cuffed to a huge metal shelf and obviously isn't going anywhere. The security guard goes off and for some bizarre reason Tracy and company lock themselves in the storage room again while intently watching out of the little window in the door, apparently guessing that some horrible fate is about to befall the hapless guard. Sure enough, a teddy bear with a baseball bat knocks him down, and the toys pounce. This all is somehow hidden by a few boxes, so everybody thinks the fatso just fell on his own and now can't get up. The toys slaughter the guard, with Whoopsie-Daisy repeatedly hitting him in the groin with an ice pick and saying, "Whoopsie Daisy." Yes, it's THAT kind of a movie.

Now everybody realizes something bad is going down and have to get out. Enter our Deus Ex Machina, a street-smart girl who's spent the last few days hiding in the warehouse, because she's scared of the demonic toys. She enters through a previously unseen air duct (which is in PLAIN SIGHT all the time and huge enough to accommodate a rhinocerous, yet the street-smart inspector Tracy fails to notice it) and agrees to help them. "It's the toys," she explains. "There's something inside them, and they're evil." Tracy decides that she'd better stay behind to guard the gun runner, so Street Smart Boy decides to go get help with Street Smart Girl.

As they leave, Tracy has a horrible flashback. She is sitting in a dollhouse with a dark-haired kid, who has a BADLY dubbed voice-over. The kid explains that he's a demon and he wants to enter the world. The only problem is that he needs a baby to do so, and since Tracy is one month pregnant, she was the obvious choice. Yeah. I'm sure he couldn't find anyone better suited for the task in New York. The boy explains that the last time he tried to enter the world, things failed miserably. We get another flashhback showing a young woman giving birth to a demonic baby (looking like a miniature version of an 18th century picture of Satan -- complete with goatee and mini-horns). At this point we were all so busy laughing at the cheesy moans and sighs and the baby that we missed the logical reason for his death. The doctor (who looks like a Victorian English gentleman, complete with ridiculous moustache) and the nearby old lady think the baby is beautiful and decide to hang on to it. Good job, too, since a group of trick or treaters come by, so they decide to give the baby to them. They make the kids promise that they'll "plant the seed and look after it, so when he's born he gets really strong." Overjoyed, the kids take the bundle and leave. They've walked a few blocks when one of them decides to see what they got. Seeing mini-Satan, they get scared and toss the baby in a ditch. The flashback ends, and the demonic little boy explains that it was 66 years ago to this day, and he had to wait 66 years for another try. Ok, I understand this is New York, but come on -- surely someone would've discovered the dead mini-Satan in the ditch in 66 years and said something. I guess not. The boy explains that he will rape her and take over Tracy's baby. Why he has to do this when she is already pregnant is beyond me.

Tracy wakes up and discovers that Evil Perp has used his Swiss army knife to pick the handcuff and escape. Grabbing her gun, she exits through the now open armored door and heads into the warehouse. We cut to the air ducts where the Street Smart Kids are making their escape. They don't get too far, though, as Whoopsie Daisy and a robot toy with real working lasers catch up to them. Despite the fact that we're shown Whoopsie Daisy moving at an inch per hour, whenever the camera moves to a first-person view she moves faster than Superman. The robot catches up to them and shoots Street Smart Girl in the elbow, but she ignores it and crawls around a corner. With an angry snarl, Street Smart Boy kicks the dolls away and crawls after them. The two Street Smart Kids reach a new air duct and jump out. They're now in the security guard's office. Unfortunately the toys have been there and wrecked the joint, so the kids decide to hang around and look for the "rifle" the guard keeps around. At this point the robot and Whoopsie Daisy attack from the air duct, or, more accurately, stand there making evil faces and rude jokes. Grabbing a king-sized can of hair spray and and a lighter from the table (which were not there in any of the scenes before), he flames the two dolls. Whoopsie Daisy goes up in a blaze, making rude gestures and jokes to the end. Relieved, the boy says that's it's over. With a desperate look on her face the girl responds, "It's not over. It will never be over," and sure enough an evil jack-in-a-box attacks through the window, biting the girl in the neck. Whoopsie Daisy, who was CLEARLY burnt to a black charcoal not a minute ago, attacks again with an ice-pick, repeatedly hitting the now fallen girl in the eye, while the jack-in-a-box bites at the boy. He wrenches the toy out of its box and tosses it to the floor. Turning around he sees the dead girl and grabs the shotgun to give chase to Whoopsie Daisy.

From this point on the movie is just an endless chase scene with Tracy and the Kid running from the toys, blasting at them, and falling in love with each other. Highlights include Tracy's ridiculous gun: despite the fact that it's clearly a very large caliber automatic pistol, maybe a Beretta, when Tracy shoots a normal Raggedy Ann Doll in the head from point-blank range, the doll's head just shakes a bit, and the toy dies. Later on, the gun fails to penetrate an inch-thin wooden door.

One of the most ridiculous scenes of "special" effects in this movie include three girls on tricycles who are wearing sunglasses and have black cans glued to them. As the Street Smart Girl explains, they are "some kind of creatures from Hell," but they are really nothing more than illusions.

If you like bad puns and cliches, you'll love this movie. From the resurrected boyfriend saying, "I've only got eyes for you," and digging his eyes out, to Tracy's unborn child coming to life and saving everyone from Satan, this movie truly is atrocious. If you like laughably bad horror movies, you should definitely see this one.

Rating: 4 turkeys. It would've been five, but at times the movie went too far and actually was so bad it made me angry.