"How to Stuff a Wild Bikini" is one of the prime bad movies in America. It combines sub-par acting, a completely bizarre storyline, ridiculous characters, and lines for which the only possible reaction is to blink confusedly.

We open with some young fellow who's on military duty of some nature (despite the lack of any uniform or the performing of any actual duties) in some country. What country? Who knows. There's an Asian woman there and a strange witch doctor who's whiter than Ronald Reagan. My guess is he's gone to the Island of Silly Accents, from which we get many of our soap opera characters. Anyway, apparently this young fellow has a girlfriend back in the United States who he wants to make sure doesn't cheat on him, so he gets the suburban witch doctor to brew up some kind of spell to observe her, which allows them to see from the perspective of some kind of spy pelican. As if this blatant voryeurism isn't enough, the shaman, in return for some "torpedo juice" (or alcohol), offers to make him a golem-esque girl who will be so beautiful, the men will ignore this guy's girlfriend. He agrees. By the way, when this guy drinks alcohol, the reaction of his must be seen to be believed. Last time I checked, there was nothing on our continent that would make smoke shoot out your ears when you drink it.

We cut now to the beach, with a typical bad movie beach party going on. After some ridiculous music, everyone is suddenly baffled to see a floating (poorly animated) bikini floating down the beach. It floats up to the crowd, leading to the best lines in the movie: "Wow, check out that bikini!" "Yeah. But what do we do with it?" "We stuff it!" Boy, do I wish. This also leads to the title song, which is enough to have you and your friends rolling in the aisles.

The rest is pretty non-event oriented, so I'll just make a few isolated points:

- Apparently, our bikini-clad golem (who, by the way, fails to distract) is woefully clumsy due to a mistake in the ingredients of the spell. This leads to some ridiculous scenes with her bumbling around.

- A motorcycle race is worked in as the climactic scene. And who will the competition be? A team of bikers who make the guys in "West Side Story" look like the baddest mofos this side of the Bronx.

- Plenty of terrible musical numbers.

- The witch doctor, toward the end, drinks some more "torpedo juice" and inexplicably explodes. What is that stuff? Self-igniting gasoline?

Rating: 4 turkeys.

Scene to watch for: Anything involving the leopard-bikini clad femgolem when she gets clumsy.

Best line: "We stuff it!"

Things that make you go "Huh?": What would the U.S. navy want on the Island of Silly Accents? Were they planning to kidnap some new villain for "Days of Our Lives"?