Can there be anything left to say? I'm afraid so. This will be the eighth review of "Sinbad of the Seven Seas" on this site, and there's still no shortage of things to mention. Here are some more of them.

The mother-and-daughter narration is simply awful. You start fantasizing that the grandfather and little boy from "The Princess Bride" will burst into the bedroom and beat them to death with the book of fairy tales. The best way I can describe it is that it seems to be modelled on a linguaphone tape. Every word is read with painful emphasis, slower than I've ever heard human speech. After each interminable sentence, the speaker pauses (presumably so we can repeat the phrase). Key concepts are repeated until you want to scream. "I hope there was a PRINCESS." "Of course there was a PRINCESS. What kind of fairy tale would it be without a PRINCESS? She was a wonderful PRINCESS. The loveliest and sweetest PRINCESS...." Aaarghh! You can almost see the "Today's New Vocab" list in the textbook.

The impression that this is really a teach-yourself-English video is heightened by the helpful illustrations. When the mother says Princess Alena is "beautiful as a blushing rose," we cut to a still photo of a rose and hold for five seconds on it while the narration pauses. A similar explanatory shot is shown after a mention of "our Earth." Actually, that was a great line. "This all happened many years ago, when our Earth was a lonely grain of sand lost in a myriad of stars." Uh...isn't it still that way today?

But of course this isn't just a linguaphone tape. No, it's a linguaphone tape permanently stuck on the "adjectives" lesson. For pity's sake, screenwriters, you don't NEED to give a full description of Jaffar or Sinbad every time they're mentioned. They're the main characters; we remember who they are. I think even the cat had worked it out after they were described the first eight or nine times.

I love Jaffar. I'm not sure if it's the way he says "Ha!" or his secret lair inside a giant gyroscope on top of a volcano in a moat. (This whole set-up somehow manages to be located in a small room "at the top of the highest tower in the palace," according to the narration and the exterior shots.) Maybe it's the startling amount of eyeliner he wears, or the way he looks off to one side and smirks whenever people talk to him. But you have to love a villain who helpfully goes and stands right on top of his own secret trap in the final scene. You can't help wondering how Sinbad would ever have defeated him if he hadn't done this.

The way Sinbad draws his sword and throws it away is hilarious enough once, but when it becomes a recurring motif it reduces you to tears. I actually had to pause the video several times because I was laughing so hard I couldn't concentrate on watching it. The Viking tries this clever strategy too, on the Isle of the Dead. To defeat an empty suit of armour, he observes, "Ya! Ha ha! Ho ho!", throws his giant croquet mallet overboard, and jumps after it.

It's ridiculous to over-analyse a movie like "Sinbad of the Seven Seas," but some questions need to be asked. Why do Sinbad's crew get thrown into the dungeon after we've just seen them WIN the fight with the guards?

What about that weird scene on the ship where they suddenly start talking about their search for Princess Alena? They know she's a captive in Jaffar's lair back in Basra. After this one scene, they go back to being in search of the Sacred Gems and never mention looking for the princess again. I guess the makers rewrote the plot at some point and didn't want to waste scenes they'd already filmed.

The tank of piranhas. What, exactly, did the props department think piranhas ARE? And if they didn't know, couldn't somebody have told them before they went to all that trouble?

Why do Sinbad and his crew have to swim miles to land everywhere they go? Why don't they get themselves a rowboat?

I love the way they spend ages wondering where to go next, to look for the Sacred Gems. Then Sinbad has a great idea: why not go to the Isle of the Amazons, which is right here, where the oracle told them to go? Way to go, Sinbad!

What is Poochie (or perhaps Pucci, since this is an Italian film) supposed to add to the crew? Whenever something starts happening, Sinbad tells him to go hide until it's over. He seems to be the human equivalent of Sinbad's amazing disposable sword.

That brilliant Ghost King on the Isle of the Dead. After a huge buildup to the big fight scene, all he gets to do is raise his sword a couple of inches. Sinbad then simply reaches out, takes the sword out of his unresisting hand, stands around for a while, and then hits him with it. The Ghost King sits there waiting patiently and makes no effort to dodge the blow. This heart-pounding, edge-of-your-seat battle will grip you in suspense for the entire two seconds it takes Sinbad to win it.

That brilliant scene in the dungeon when the bad guy wraps the chain around Sinbad's chest. I have no idea what he was trying to do, beyond provide an excuse for what seemed like hours of silent, slow-motion straining and facial grimaces. Maybe Lou Ferrigno was getting paid per muscle-flex or something. You also have to wonder about the torture chamber guards' uniforms. It looks like you only get pants once you've reached the rank of Hubcap Armour Guy.

Now that I think of it, why does the Good Caliph have a fully-stocked torture chamber anyway? I guess it's just one of those mysteries, like why Princess Alena stands outside the throne room and calls out all her initial lines from off screen, instead of coming in and THEN talking to her father. Or why the Caliph, when he wants to talk to Jaffar, wanders all over the palace yelling, "Where are you, Jaffar?" instead of sending a servant to go and get him. Isn't that the whole point of having a palace full of servants?

I'd say something about the Good Wizard character, or the snot monster, or the Chinese Soldier of Fortune's hairstyle, but words fail me. Just rent the movie. Some things can't be explained.

So, the verdict on the Official RinkWorks Bad Movie? Sinbad of the Seven Seas is such a part of this web site's culture that you may wonder, after eight reviews, if there's still any point in seeing it. There is. It took me almost a year to find it, and after four viewings it's just getting funnier each time. I still can't hear the word "Ha!" without utter collapse. Poor Lou Ferrigno -- he looked like he was trying so hard, too.

Rating: 4 turkeys if you watch it alone, 5 turkeys otherwise.

Scene to watch for: The expressions on Sinbad's face when he first sees the Amazon Queen are priceless. He runs through the whole set of emotions, from "durr" to "duh" and back to "durr" again.

Best line: You already know what it is. How can such a short word be so funny?

Things that make you go "Huh?": The opening blurb about Edgar Allan Poe, which fails spectacularly to convince us that this film is somehow a milestone in modern literature.