This movie has everything a spy flick is supposed to have. Except a hero. Our main applicants for the job of hero are: Diabolik, a criminal mastermind who runs around in latex suits that come with matching Jaguars. His short shorts wearing cohort Eva. His Archnemesis, the police inspector Jenko whose main job seems to be setting up crimes for Diabolik to commit. None of these people even come close to being a hero, or even a sidekick, but the filmmakers apparently didn't care, so why should we?

We begin with Jenko transporting $10 million somewhere for some purpose. (Maybe it wanted to go for a ride in the car.) Diabolik shows up, shoots yellow and purple gas at them from the tailpipes of his black Jaguar, and steals the money. He is pursued to a cave where he meets up with Eva and the white Jag. They push the black one off a cliff and go to their underground hideout where they do unspeakable things with the money. After watching that scene you will always, always wash your hands after handling dollar bills, or better yet, handle them with gloves and a haz-mat suit.

Jenko then invites a British guy and his emerald-wearing wife to a castle so Diabolik can steal the gems. A fat guy named Valmont has joined forces with Jenko for some reason, and has his connections searching for D&E. Eva is seen by one of these connections and sits in the car while Diabolik changes into his white latex suit and suction-cups his way up the side of the castle. He takes the emeralds and gets away in an escape so brilliant they couldn't show it to us.

Eva got an owie during their unseen escape, so she goes to the "Infra Red Room" so Valmont can capture her. Diabolik is miffed by this kidnapping (possibly because the white Jag was also stolen so now he has no transportation), so he blows up Valmont's plane and shoots Valmont with the emeralds. He then tells Eva to go hide so he can fake his own death. Fortunately, he wakes up before the autopsy and has Valmont cremated so he can get the emeralds back and give them to Eva as a belated birthday present.

Um. Excuse me, movie, but emeralds aren't the most durable of jewels. There is no way they could have survived being shot through a gun, let alone cremation. But the filmmakers blithely ignore this and go on to document Diabolik's Most Brilliant Robbery.

Tax laws are not enforced in the stalwart nation where this movie takes place, so the government decides to sell a twenty-ton gold ingot to raise the money. (I wonder if these people would be interested in buying my bridge in Brooklyn?) Ignoring Jenko's past history of guarding valuables, they put him in charge of transporting the gold. The ingot is put on a train, and they go off into the distance.

Meanwhile, Eva and her short shorts are hitchhiking down a nearby road. A truck driver in giant overalls stops to leer at her, leaving his truck unattended so Diabolik can push it off a cliff, blocking the tracks below. He and Eva drive off in the black Jaguar (wait, didn't that one crash?) to complete their Most Brilliant Robbery.

Jenko, meanwhile, is backing down the tracks to find a detour when the bridge he is on collapses, sinking the ingot in the chlorinated ocean water. D&E arrive in their water car with a bag of balloons and tow the ingot back to their hideout. There Diabolik melts the gold and laughs. But wait! Their Phantom of the Opera brand Organ Alarm goes off! Jenko's finally found them! Eva runs off and hides while Diabolik gets shot at. In a career-saving moment, Jenko reveals that he's had the gold "radioactivated" so it would explode, which it does, drenching Diabolik in molten gold. Thank goodness he was wearing his Swimming Through the Center of the Sun Suit.

Later, Jenko gloats over Diabolik's gold encrusted body and leaves. Eva shows up in mourning. To comfort her, Diabolik winks. Gasp! He's not dead after all! Reassured, Eva leaves, and the lights go out. Diabolik laughs cheerfully, and if you look carefully, you'll see him running off.

But the best part of this movie by far is its soundtrack, featuring such beloved classics as "Dee-dee-da" and "La-la-la-la" which are ENDLESSLY REPEATED througout the film. These are songs that will stay with you for the rest of your life.

Rating: 4 turkeys.

Best line: "Is that stud coming?"

Best clothes: Eva's mourning outfit.

Things that make you go "Huh?": Diabolik's final Brilliant Escape.