It's pathetic when the acting highlight of a movie is provided by a Friend. That's right, Joey Tribbiani, aka Matt LeBlanc, gets "lost" (see below) in space with Gary Oldman, William Hurt, and some other actors who really deserved better. Shockingly, he manages to be the only character that you don't want to beat over the head with one of the silly plastic attachments on their humiliating skin-tight rubber costumes. Gary Oldman (as Dr. Smith) is usually a pretty good villain, but here he does little but mumble and whine. William Hurt (as Professor Robinson) is stiff as a board and mumbles, too. Heather Graham (as Judy) and Mimi Rogers (as Maureen) at least attempt to enunciate a little, but both of the children (Lacey Chabert and Jack Johnson) should be barred from ever acting again. The real star of this action flick is the special effects. Included are the freeze-and-spin effect used so much in "The Matrix," and a fully-computer-generated character, a la "Phantom Menace." On a side note, if you have ever played the game "Creatures," you will see that the computer-generated character, Penny's pet alien Blarb (or maybe it's Blab), is the spitting image of a Norn. Blarb doesn't have to deal with Grendels or Ettins, however, but instead with some really creepy looking computer-generated spiders that have silicon DNA and blue goo for blood.

The first problem with this movie was the choice of 50s sci-fi show to remake. I've heard it said that the original "Lost in Space" was the first TV show to qualify as camp. In my opinion, this is said by fans who just won't admit how awful the show was. (But I mention in passing my admiration for a TV show that wasn't afraid to use hastily painted bedsheets as a backdrop!) There was some kind of weird family dynamic going on with the Robinsons, and I really don't want to investigate it. Evidently, neither did the filmmakers, since they switch the focus of the film to the slightly clueless Major Don West (LeBlanc).

Special effects blockbusters are not known for their stunning grasp of reality, so it was inevitable that there'd be some silliness in the picture. Take, for example, the title: "Lost In Space." From such a title, you'd expect that the main characters would spend the majority of the movie actually lost, right? Nope. They get lost half an hour into the movie and stay lost for fifteen minutes before finding out where they are. That's fifteen minutes our time. In the movie time they're lost for, oh, about an hour.

But the worst part of this movie (by far) is the plot (although the script ranks a distant second). And this is an odd thing, because it starts well, and its descent into absurdity really doesn't become obvious until the movie is almost over and you suddenly sit up and discover that nothing is making sense and it hasn't for some time. The decline is well-hidden because every plot point follows from the previous plot point fairly logically.

The movie starts by telling us a complex back story about how humanity has almost destroyed the Earth (side note: this takes place in 2058), and "our only hope" is for some intrepid explorers to travel to a distant, habitable planet, Alpha Prime, build a companion hypergate to one being built on earth, and help begin colonization. The Robinson family are the volunteers, and Matt LeBlanc is pressed into service as their pilot. Dr. Smith is a saboteur employed by a group that wants to claim Alpha Prime for themselves, who gets trapped on the ship after programming Robot to destroy the Robinsons and Matt LeBlanc while they are cryogenically frozen.

The sabotage attempt destroys the navigation systems, and the ship ends up hurtling into the sun. To keep from being burned up, Matt LeBlanc puts them into hyperspace, even though William Hurt tells him not to, and they end up in an uncharted region of the galaxy. So now they're lost. But they happen to come out near a planet where they find a sort of hole in space. Matt LeBlanc flies through it, even though William Hurt tells him not to, and they find a ship. Boarding the ship, they realize it is a rescue vessel sent out to find them, and it has been deserted for many decades. They are naturally confused, but they have enough sense to get the rescue ship's maps, so they are no longer lost.

Then they are attacked by some spider-aliens living on the ship, and Matt LeBlanc blows up the rescue ship to destroy the aliens, even though William Hurt tells him not to. This sends them crashing down to the planet, where they find yet another hole in space (although by now William Hurt has figured out they are holes in time). William Hurt goes through this second hole, even though Matt LeBlanc tells him not to, and they find Will Robinson, thirty years old and desperately bitter about the fact that he is the sole survivor of his family, although he is accompanied by Dr. Smith, who has turned into a mega-spider after he got scratched by one on the rescue ship and who has kept Will alive so he can build a time machine that will send Dr. Smith/King Spider to Earth so he can rule the world.

You see what happened? The plot fell apart gradually enough so you don't really notice until it's already in tatters, flapping feebly around your ankles and whimpering in pain. I think the first cracks appeared with the holes in space or time or whatever they are.

By the way, this movie attempts to have a moral, always a bad idea in special effects blockbusters. The moral of the story is that you should tell your son you love him, or he will turn out bitter and mean but still capable of heroic last-minute self-sacrifices. Also, you should always kill the bad guys as soon as you find out they're bad, or they will just become even worse.

Pathetic.

Rating: one turkey. Really not laughable enough to be a treasure of a "bad, bad, bad, bad" movie. But as far as dim-witted, simple-minded action/sci-fi/space operas go, it's actually kind of enjoyable. In a pathetic sort of way.

Scene to watch for: The ending credits. No, really. I have never seen such horrible credits in my life. They seem to have been designed to induce epileptic seizures. Not only that, but the music that plays is a kind of Euro-pop remix of the old TV show theme but with the cheesiest lines from the movie thrown in periodically.

Best line: Anything mumbled by Gary Oldman when he's trying to be menacing. My favorite is "Evil knooows eeeviiil."

Things that make you go "Huh?": According to the IMDb, the script was written by the same guy who wrote "Batman and Robin," but I still have difficulty believing anyone is capable of writing dreck this...dreckish. They must have made it up as they went along, or cobbled it together in the editing room or something.