Although generally ignored by the bad movie going public, the "modern day kids get magically transported to magical fantasy place" subgenre has produced, with much consistency, a number of truly wretched movies. Of the all the ones I've seen, this is easily the creme de la creme.

It begins, as movies of this sort tend to begin, with our three young heroes home alone on a dark and stormy night. The kids (whose combined personalities add up to little more than a big "yes" to question #45 on the Filmmaker's Exam) run around the house and have pointless fights. We yawn.

Finally, something happens. The Obnoxious Eight-Year Old (OEYO) is alone in the kitchen, holding a toy walkie-talkie, when he starts getting messages over it. Really. Apparently some guy from another world is broadcasting over his homemade radio, and and OEYO's *walkie-talkie* picks it up. I wish mine had done that when I was a kid.

While all of this is happening, we cut to a shot of the street outside the kids' house. A creepy looking guy dressed in black suddenly appears. He stares at the house ominously.

Back inside, the Radio Guy starts saying some cryptic things (including mentionioning that his world has no sun), which the kid doesn't understand. Then, doing what any young'n would do if he found himself chatting with someone from another world, OEYO gets down on his knees and looks inside the cupboard under the kitchen sink. Okaaay. Of course, the kid has good reason to, because he finds a miniaturized version of Radio Guy's "world" in there. (Didn't anybody notice the kingdom behind the sponges and WD-40 before now?)

Meanwhile, the guy on the radio has decided that OEYO is the one who will save the kingdom from destruction (even though the kid hasn't said anything but "What?" and "Huh?" throughout their whole conversation), and he starts programming his magical Beamer-Upper Thingy to bring OEYO into his world. But then OEYO's older brother, the Brain-Dead Teenage Boy (BDTB), walks in at that moment, and Radio Guy beams him up instead.

To keep this review from getting too long, let me just hit the highlights of the rest of the movie:

- BDTB gets captured by an evil tyrant who rules the Secret Kingdom. The Tyrant wants to make everybody in the kingdom perfect. He does this by performing operations on people that will make them unable to do anything but some selected form of slave work. Now that's perfection.

- OEYO has a tearful heart to heart talk with his sister, the Shallow Teenage Girl (STG). The next day they go back to hating each other.

- OEYO never bothers telling STG that their brother has been sucked into another world. Maybe it slipped his mind.

- The creepy looking guy is still standing there, staring ominously at the house.

- Radio Guy has a female sidekick who helps him rescue BDTB from the bad guys. She's a totally inconsequential character, but her atrocious acting provides some of the movie's biggest laughs.

- The Man-Dog. What the *heck*?

- The Secret Kingdom has night and day and looks just like our world does. I wonder how they pulled that off, what with not having a sun and everything.

- Best of all, the climax. STG has been pointlessly brought into the kingdom and is the unwitting prisoner of the Tyrant. Radio Guy, his followers, and BDTB go to the Tyrant's castle to free her. This is how they plan to free STG: BDTB will sit down in front of the castle, pull out some drumsticks, and...just sit there. Meanwhile, everyone else will sneak into the castle and rescue STG. Up against strategies like that, it's no wonder Tyrant is still the one in control of the Kingdom. While all of this is happening, OEYO sets up his *huge* collection of toy soldiers. No reason. He just does. Some random stuff happens. OEYO throws an empty peach can at the miniaturized city (I was only half paying attention at this point, so I haven't a clue why). This horrifying empty peach can attack, which apparently didn't hurt anybody or harm anything, so frightens the Tyrant that he surrenders, and Radio Guy becomes the benevolent ruler of the kingdom. STG and BDTB return home and conclude that the Kingdom must have appeared under their sink when lightning struck the house. Then they all live happily ever after. I couldn't have *made up* a more lame-brained, anti-climactic ending.

But unfortunately, the real ending isn't here yet. We are treated to yet another "final happily ever after scene." This one finds the creepy looking guy (remember him?) still standing outside the house -- only this time he's dropped the ominous stare and is smiling and happy. He puts a tiny plastic cowboy on the window sill and skips away down the street.

Eh. Whatever.

Rating: 3 turkeys.

Scene to watch for: The (anti)climax.

Best line: "This ROCKS!"

Things that make you go "Huh?": The eyeless people, "Perfection," how they can have day and night without a sun, the creepy looking guy, the Man-Dog, the toy soldiers...oh heck, everything.