"Incubus" is one of those movies that you tell your friends about, and they either get all gung-ho excited to see it, or they stop talking to you altogether. The movie is best described thusly: A 30-year-old black and white film, starring William Shatner, done completely in Esperanto.

The story is set in the town of Nomen Tuum, where there are healing waters. Because the water restores beauty as well as health, lots of vain and selfish people come to try their luck at the wells (the water doesn't work for everyone). This is very convienent for a group of succubi who make a living seducing evil idiots for the devil.

Kia is a young demoness tired of taking the souls of the already corrupted. She wants to set her sights higher and take the soul of a good man. She is warned against this by an older demoness, Amael, who spends part of the movie trying to talk her out of it, then part helping her, then works against her again, and then helps her some more. Kia decides to go after Marc, a young man who has just come home from the war with a leg injury. Kia's attempt backfires; Marc falls in love with her (after knowing her for a whole twenty minutes) and tries to get her to marry him. At one point Marc carries a sleeping Kia into a church (he can walk fine now, even though he was limping with a cane just that morning), and she freaks out. This is one of the funnier looking scenes in the movie, with little Catholic statues bouncing back and forth at Kia. Kia runs from the church, and Amael finds her. Amael is angry that Marc has put a "taint of love" on Kia and urges her to call the Incubus for revenge.

Up till now, "Incubus" isn't too bad. The acting isn't wonderful; it looks like the actors are staring very intently at their cue cards. The story is a little bizarre but nothing compared to what happens next.

Amael has been spending the afternoon tormenting Marc's sister, either to help Kia in her plan even though she has spent the morning warning her not to or just for kicks and giggles -- we're never quite sure. Arndis (Marc's sister) is having the worst day in cinematic history, but it's hard to feel bad for her, because she's so plain dumb. First she is blinded by watching a full solar eclipse not one full minute after Marc warns her not to look directly at it. Then she is made mute by Amael so she can't call to Marc. Arndis stumbles to the church where Marc and Kia are, and Marc takes Arndis home.

That night, Marc and Arndis talk about his broken heart. She tells him to go ahead and cry, since she won't hear him. This must be true because Marc leaves the house a few minutes later when he "hears" Kia "calling" him. Arndis doesn't hear him bump his way out of the house, even though she's still up and moving around.

With Marc out of the way, the demonesses (Kia, Amael, and some of their friends) raise the Incubus, who crawls out of the ground looking like he's just been woken from a nap and is confused and put out. Amael tells him what they need him to do, and he goes stumbling off. Later, he arrives at Marc and Arndis' house and tells her that her brother has fallen through the floor of the abandoned house. I guess I was still holding out hope for Arndis' intelligence, because I was surprised that she believes this story. Her sight has returned at this point, and she's sitting in the doorway watching the Incubus stroll up to her house from the OPPOSITE DIRECTION of the abandoned house when he tells her this news. Still, she gets up and follows him to the house, where the group of demonesses surround her, rip off her clothes, put 'em back on her again, and then hold her down while the Incubus ravages her. (I told you she was having a bad day.) The demonesses carry her back to her house (this is another funny-looking scene: six normal-sized demonesses carry her on their shoulders but still manage to drag her hands in the dirt behind them), where Marc has returned, having given up on finding Kia.

The Incubus tells him what he has done and that he has cut out Arndis' tongue, and, in a fit of anger, Marc attacks him. There is some ferocious arm wrestling between Marc and the Incubus. Eventually, the Incubus pulls out a stake and tries to kill Marc with it. Marc gets the stake and stabs the Incubus in the gut. The Incubus falls down but doesn't die until Marc is told what he's just done (kill somebody), and Marc pulls out the stake. Then the Incubus collapses like an electronic toy that's had its battery pack pulled out. Marc decides that he must get to the church to get God's forgiveness. He stumbles off. He is very injured from his arm wrestling. Kia follows. She helps Marc into the church but cannot follow him in. Outside, the Incubus (you just can't keep a good demon down) turns itself into a goat-bull thing that attacks Kia. The goat-bull costume is mostly a mask and reminded me of those two-person cow costumes. The demon-goat-bull manages to chew out Kia's guts without drawing any blood, until it is finished, when Kia is suddenly covered in blood. Kia falls with her hand right at the door of the church, and Marc crawls over to her and holds her hand. They die.

So, the story arc was bizarre, and characters did lots of stuff that didn't make sense, but the visuals in this movie are what makes it a true turkey. For example, when Marc goes running after Kia in the middle of the night, there are times that it is clearly daytime. It's obvious the makers of this movie knew a bit about shading film so that outside shots look night-like: they did it sometimes, but sometimes they didn't. Sometimes the same scene takes place in daytime AND nighttime; once, this disparity happens in the same shot.

There are lots of different frame-ups in the film, some that look wonderful and are very visually exciting, while others are clearly drug-induced. Conrad Hall, who won the Oscar for best cinematographer for "Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid" and just recently for "American Beauty" did the cinematography for "Incubus," and you can see a bit of the genius that was to come.

Rating: 3.5 turkeys.

Scene to watch for: The cow's tongue.

Best line: Since it was in Esperanto, lots of things sounded funny. The phrase that made us laugh for days was "fire-stormo."

Things that make you go "Huh?": Switching from day to night.