This is a great movie. This is the best movie I have ever seen. And of course, since it is on this site, you know what that means.

"Space Mutiny" is absolutely hilarious. It is a sci-fi flick, obviously, and it has everything a sci-fi movie needs (or at least a bad, stereotypical sci-fi movie): the dashing hero; the not-so-helpless maiden; the strong, wise leader of the good guys; the maniacally cackling evil overlord; the lasers; the dogfights; the cool vehicles; a mysterious power; and so on. Hah! This movie manages to fail to correctly reproduce any of these.

We begin with a title song composed on a synthesizer and some computer graphics of the credits. What I mean by this is colored, pixelized text shooting onto the screen. Sure, it must've been pretty neat way back when. They must have thought their animations were pretty cool, as they show some at every possible moment.

Now we see the setting. "Space Mutiny" takes place in a giant ship called "The Southern Sun." We get some nice little shots of it from the depths of space, roaring along, looking like a giant, odd electrical socket. But wait! These outside shots of the spacecraft were simply lifted from "Battlestar Galactica"! They didn't even try to hide it or make their own. (The budget probably all went into the nifty computer graphics.) We get a shot of the crew standing around in shiny space-age outfits made of silvery material. The guys have pointy shoulder pads, and the women walk around in bathing suits (with pointy shoulder pads). I can't tell you how silly this shot is.

It turns out there are two factions on this ship: the normal crewmembers and the Enforcers, who are the evil guys doing the mutiny. Kalgan, whose skull looks about to pop from his head, leads the Enforcers. A thickly bearded man who looks like Santa Claus leads the normal crew. The mutineers want to land the ship, which has been prowling around the galaxy and looking for a nice place to colonize, and the Enforcers want off now instead of waiting a few more years for a nicer place. Kalgan starts things off by blowing things up in the basement of the ship (the whole place must've been filmed in an old warehouse) just as our hero arrives from space. His ship is caught in the explosions, and he has to bail, leaving behind his cargo: one Professor Spooner, who probably wouldn't have done anything if he had indeed lived. We see a cheesy animated teleporting effect, and the hero runs away from the about-to-explode craft and scoops up an old lady who was running toward the doomed ship and yelling for the professor.

The hero comes to the bridge to make his report to Captain Santa, and he tells us his name: Ryder. He is welcomed on the ship but the old lady is angry at him for letting Professor Spooner die. Captain Santa introduces Ryder to his daughter, Lea, the old lady.

This confounds me. Lea looks old, yet she is supposed to be twenty or so. She even sounds old! If you squint, you might be able to see some youngness, but she comes off mostly disturbing. Ryder and Lea argue with each other, and Ryder storms off after about five seconds of it. Then the Belarians arrive.

The Belarians have no point in this movie other than to wear spandex, do aerobics, and glorify those electricity balls you see at the science stores. We see several shots of them as they float around, doing "magic" several times as they talk about the powers of good and evil, but nothing comes of it. I would just ignore them.

A few inconsequential things happen, and we find Ryder trying to make up with Lea. Ryder storms off again after just a few lines of dialogue (it looks like people imply a whole lot in this movie), and suddenly we are at a party. This is not your normal party, though; this is a space party! It has neon lights, spandex-wearing people, all sorts of technologically advanced props involved with the dancing (such as hula-hoops), techno music, and glowing drinks. Lea dances suggestively to Ryder, so they make up and see a lady escorted from the party by some Enforcers. She is shot by Kalgan (it had something to do with the irrelevant stuff earlier), and they climb aboard floor-waxers to chase him. They find Saran-wrapped bodies cared for by a not-as-creepy-as-they-hoped for doctor.

Things get vague around here, but Ryder rolls around with Lea in plants, the Belarians dance some more, another party happens, a guy defects to the Enforcers, and pirates attack. In one scene you can clearly see the woman who was shot by Kalgan working at her pod after she had been killed.

Eventually Ryder goes to open a can on the Enforcers, who have captured Lea somehow. He sneaks around and steals an Enforcer uniform which, I guess, would serve as a disguise, but as soon as an enemy sees him, he bashes him over the head or shoots him. So why would he need the suit? Oh, well. Kalgan tortures Lea with dentistry for a while and leaves her tied to a hospital cart with a belt. She seduces the single inept guard (every movie has at least one of those) which was really disgusting, but thankfully Ryder ends it by bursting in. This signals a huge firefight between the Enforcers and the crew down in the basement. (I suppose Captain Santa decided to do something -- the Belarians must have influenced him.) A lot of guys fall over railings as they get shot by lasers (which never come out of the barrel in the same direction it's pointing), and Ryder eventually kills the defector.

A few moments later Kalgan is gearing up for a ride in his floor-waxer. I guess he knew he was going for a ride, because Ryder and Lea arrive. Ryder takes off, leaving Lea behind. The two have an unexciting chariot-type race complete with animated sparks, and after a while Kalgan hits Lea. But since they're only going about three miles per hour, it doesn't hurt her much. Then Ryder zooms head-on to Kalgan and screams in apoplectic fury before calmly exiting his golf cart. The cart hits Kalgan's three separate times (watch closely), and Ryder gives him the up-yours gesture. Lea is ok, and so is everything else.

But not really. Just as Ryder is about to leave, he pops the question to Lea (after some more dialogue thick with implication). Then we see the non-creepy basement of the chase. The camera flows around till we see Kalgan sitting against a pipe. We see a long shot of his now-bumpy face, and he opens his eyes. Great! I can't wait for the sequel.

Rating: 5 turkeys.

Scenes to watch for: Any in which Ryder screams, the first party, the fights, and the unexciting chase scene.

Best line: Anything uttered by the dorky lieutenant in the irrelevant scenes. I don't know, but he seems to me to be the one who had the vision for this movie: gawky, inept sci-fi geek puts himself in the movie in a slightly important role who sacrifices himself for the crew. It just seems right.

Things that make you go "Huh?": Lea. Definitely Lea. Belarians come in second.