The me of last Friday and the me of today are very different people. The Jonas of last Friday would go into the Martial Arts section of the video store, spending ten minutes questing for the single worst title he hadn't seen yet. But now, I believe that I may be scarred for life and might not ever be able to set foot in that far back corner of the video store again without collapsing on the floor and convulsing in seizures, much to the dismay and amusement of the poor souls looking for their latest new releases.

The movie opens up with the standard bad karate movie opening: Hero walks into restaurant/bar and is mocked for his race. But this scene alone is enough to make you rub your hands in anticipation. Bronson Lee and his grandmother pull up in an ancient car that looks like it was lifted from King Tut's tomb, and the restaurant itself has a 50s atmosphere, leaving you in utter confusion as to the era of this movie. Not only this, but they called in the best actors from all over the land, subjected them to rigorous auditions, and finally, when they found they had the cream of the crop, subjected them to this film to see how quickly they could destroy their talent.

In an odd twist, this scene does NOT involve Bronson Lee distributing disturbing amounts of hand-to-hand destruction. Instead, his grandma sticks up for him and says everybody should leave him alone. Bronson notices a paper talking about a karate tournament, and his grandma tells him to go. I'd really like to spice up that sentence with and adjective of some sort, but really, I can't, because the entire scene -- no, the entire movie - is devoid of emotion.

And so, Bronson Lee travels to Japan. He sits down in another restaurant and asks for some soup and noodles. The waiter repeatedly tries to explain to Mr. Lee that he doesn't have enough money for the food, but Bronson doesn't quite get it. I'd make a remark about Bronson's intelligence here, but the remainder of this film is capable of making the past two scenes look like Shakespeare. The owner offers to have Bronson work for him in exchange for food, and Bronson declines. Finally, they agree to give him day-old noodles.

As if to make up for breaking the fine bad karate movie tradition of having the hero enrich every doctor in town in a bar fight, about six men come in and begin to touch the owner's daughter. The waiter decides to threaten the men by showing that he forgot to take his ritalin today. Bronson Lee has the ever better idea of sharpening the chopsticks and -- horror of horrors -- THROWING ONE INTO THE WALL! Yes, nothing could possibly terrify his foes more than a piece of wood ravishing the nearby decorations. After this display of tremendous power, the Evil Guys In Black back off while Bronson goes to get himself some more noodles.

Mysteriously, it cuts over to some dojo somewhere, with rows of men practicing karate. Of course, as any bad karate movie lover knows, these men have as much fighting skill as a wheelchair-bound 80-year-old pacifist. And as anyone with Star Trek experience knows, these men have a life expectancy of about two minutes. After a few moments of watching their intense training, more Evil Guys In Black appear, wearing garb that marks them as not only Evil Guys In Black, but Evil Guys In Black That Know Karate. They come in, and the usual dojo fight scene erupts, which is to say, everyone wearing white that's facing the camera gets his butt kicked for the sole and express purpose of demonstrating how tough the Evil Guys are and, in turn, how much tougher the Good Guys are. At any rate, Bronson Lee is here for who knows what reason and dispenses justice and raises the demand for medical coverage in the "Evil Ninja" field simultaneously.

At about this point, I think I was beginning to lose consciousness from laughter. I guess can't remember the dialogue too well, since it doesn't make much since. Then again, that would seem to go along with the rest of the movie.

Somewhere along the line, it cuts to some flower arranging class of some sort, and the teacher excuses all the little girls, which is kind've a nice way of saying, "Ok, Evil Guys In Black Who Know Karate, you can come in now so I can demonstrate how despite being a woman who teaches flower arranging, and despite you being armed, and despite the fact that you're armed, I can still kick your butts!" And kick their butts she does, as she demonstrates that remarkable power all Bad Karate Movie heroes and heroines have of making their opponents want to stand around and die.

After the beatings are said and done, the heroine tells Bronson she might be able to pull some strings with her dad, who happens to be the referee of the tournament, and get him admitted, but it'll be hard since there's already an American fighter.

Bronson is next seen speaking with her daddy, who proceeds to tell Bronson that, no, he can't get in the tournament and, yes, he is an idiot, and he proceeds on a rant about how karate is as much about spirituality as it is about combat. Bronson loses his temper and begins to challenge the elderly man to a fight, since clearly Bronson's stupidity hadn't been demonstrated enough. But alas, the old man just sits there. And sits there. For about one grueling minute, he sits there. And the viewer has to watch. For one agonizing minute of sheer boredom. Do you feel my pain? Do you understand the suffering I endured in watching this film? DO YOU!?

The next scene shows Bronson "Broke One Too Many Bricks Over His Head" Lee relieving his stress by practicing his karate. Amazingly, he works up a tremendous sweat in the twenty seconds it takes before the heroine tells him that her dad was right, but Bronson shouldn't feel so bad. Apparently, this deliciously lame scene had a deep emotional effect on Bronson, because when he returns to his job at the restaurant (yes, I know I said he declined it, they kind of forgot that part), he tells his friends that he wasn't upset, since the old man is the master, and he had to do what he said.

Just before or after that last scene, we see clips of the other contenders. Once again, we see a demonstration of the great lengths the creators went through to get only the best for this film. After each clip, we see subtitles giving the name, nationality, and skill of each contender. To ensure they received the result they desired, the creators went to every criminally insane man across the four corners of the world and asked them for their input on the color of the subtitles. They gathered the data, and after careful analysis, realized that none of them found a sufficiently insidious color to torment the viewer with, and fired up the preferred utility for bad movie creators everywhere, "Pain Shop Pro." Only when they had subtitles that could not only not feasibly be read did they rest, but they continued until their "test audiences," (poor folks who were rendered unconcious with a swift blow to the head, then dragged into prison cells) burst into tears at the horrible puzzle of color before them.

Bronson shows his etiquette skills in his next scene quite well. Dining out in another restaurant with his new buddy, he spots another contender at the next table, and they stare each other down. Bronson, deciding that the obligatory dramatic moment of terrifying staring had passed, takes his spoon and bends it about 80 degrees. His opponent, not to be outdone, bends his a full ninety degrees. I forget which piece of restaurant property Bronson grabs next, but whatever it is, he beat the heck out of it. His fiendish opponent utterly demolishes his plate, discarding his food on the table -- and just when it seems all was lost for the unfortunate dish, he restores it to its original form. Bronson, in a display of sheer intelligence, grabs two glass bottles and breaks them in his hand, showering himself, his dining partner, and pretty much everything else in broken glass. Enraged, his opponent stands up and growls but is directed by his boss to sit down and save it for the tournament. But alas, they have to fight.

Rating: Five turkeys, and one biohazard warning sign.

Scene to watch for: Bronson's finishing attack against the American contender.

Things that make you go "Huh?": The staredown.