"Rear Window" was made in 1954, at the pinnacle of director Alfred Hitchcock's career. Made in the midst of a decade in which the Master of Suspense was churning out a classic or two every year, it is consequently startling that "Rear Window" is so deplorably, atrociously bad.

The medical condition of the main character is the first tip-off. Jimmy Stewart plays somebody or other that's laid up in a wheel chair. Hello? What kind of action movie has a laid-up action hero? Fortunately, cinema has come a long way since 1954, and we have the works of Schwarzenegger, Stallone, Van Damme, and Seagal to fall back on. These guys never set tush in a wheelchair, and there's a good reason for it. The frightening part is that neither Hitchcock nor Stewart learned from the mistake; three years later, they made Vertigo, in which the hero was some pansy boy wimp too afraid of heights to beat up the badguys.

So Jimmy Stewart is stuck in his apartment with a cast on his leg, and his front door is sort of a revolving door for assorted guests that don't ever seem to knock before entering. (Is this a thriller or a sitcom??) Among them are the dorky detective friend, who does nothing in the movie; the wisecracking nurse, played by Thelma Ritter (Hello?? Movie nurses are supposed to be hot!); and the girlfriend Stewart is too dense to scoop up, played by the Princess of Monaco herself, Grace Kelly.

The first half of the movie involves Stewart yakking and whining to these three supporting characters. His whine session with Kelly is the worst. He complains that it'll never work out, because he likes to travel, and she'd be too squeamish for such a life, and yadda yadda yadda. McFly? This is GRACE KELLY. Not only that but a GRACE KELLY that is condescending to turn her affections toward a pansy boy wimp! Pansy boy wimps are not supposed to fret about these things.

The second half of the movie is slightly more interesting. Stewart spies some strange events going in the apartment across the way, puts two and two and two and two together and gets a homicide. This movie is so dated. These days, in the larger cities, you can see about anything you don't care to. This guy acts like it's all a big deal.

But whatever. He sets himself to the task of nailing the killer. He does that by using his friends and leading GRACE KELLY on just enough to get her to break into the killer's apartment and do all the dangerous work herself. What a total sleaze bag.

Things change when the killer sneaks by GRACE KELLY and gets into Stewart's apartment. And not for the better. We're all geared up for this incredible action climax, right? This is where the movie really could have been good. Envision this: a five or ten minute Jackie Chan-style kung fu sequence, followed by one of them chasing the other downtown for a high speed rush hour car chase!

No, Stewart's character is laid up with a broken leg, remember? No chases or kung fu! Instead, we get the Flashing Camera Bulb Attack, during which Stewart shines a SUDDEN BRIGHT LIGHT into the killer's eyes! That'll get him! Wahoo! The adrenaline is pumping now! As a matter of fact, this is a pretty good idea. Women should carry cameras around instead of mace. That way if they're attacked, they can shoot off the flash, and in one deft maneuver the attacker is incapacitated and a photo of the guy can be turned into the authorities.

I end this review of this sorry little movie with the following quote that I think sums up my position succinctly and accurately: "April fools."