Take the movie "Predator." Remove everything that made it good. What do you get?

Yes! You get "Predator 2." Now add redneck stalkers, an irritating smart-aleck kid, and a monster suit that would have been rejected by the costume designers of the original "Godzilla" movies. Ok, *now* you've got "Bio-Force 1." Be afraid.

The U.S. government has invented a biological hazard so deadly that it must be sent to the moon for safety. Men in full-body protective suits escort the container to a military base, where it is fired into space in what looks suspiciously like 1960s news footage of a NASA launch.

Then, in a startling plot twist which will shock and astound you, the rocket explodes and crashes. (I knew there had to be some flaw in this ingenious method of hazardous waste disposal.) An elite special force is sent to recover it. Incidentally, they are NOT called "Bio-Force 1," and the title of this movie remains a mystery to me. Like all elite special forces, the troop consists of Handsome Guy Who Will Survive, Token Black Guy, Tough Sergeant, Secretly Corrupt Commander, and guys who won't last long enough to be worth describing. As required by Hollywood army regulations, they engage in witty banter and male bonding on the way to the mission and listen to some funky music.

Look closely at the exterior shots. Their plane appears to change into a completely different plane halfway through the flight.

When they get to the crash site they lay trip wires and mines all over the area (who needs a reason?) and slink through the woods nervously holding guns. What the heck FOR? Perhaps the squirrels in backwoods Georgia pack heat? I wouldn't know.

To add suspense, a really great character appears at this time. Let's call it the Flannel Cuff. In a variety of shots, suspenseful music plays, and the camera zooms in on a hand and wrist ending in a flannel shirt cuff. Once, we get to see a flannel-shirted figure flit rapidly across the screen. The suspense would be terrifying if there was any obvious point to this -- and if we believed that a thin unarmed guy in a flannel shirt would somehow pose a danger to an entire heavily-armed troop.

At the crash site, the leader tells them to look for the canister but *not* to touch it or go near it. A guy calls out that he's spotted it. He must have x-ray vision, because the leader retrieves it by lifting a metal plate, digging a hole in the ground, and reaching way in -- with his bare hands. So much for not touching it or going near it. He then drops it back on the ground and orders his men to burn up the site. As an added precaution, he guns down all his men afterwards, except of course for Handsome Guy, who escapes into the woods.

At this point I wanted to kick the TV and scream. This stuff survived an explosion, re-entry through the atmosphere, and a crash that left a half-mile crater. BURNING IT UP is going to destroy it? And if so, why didn't they just do that in the first place? Why send it to the freakin' MOON? Aarrghh.

Besides, it's too late. The leader has been infected and turns into a monster, after a truly bewildering scene involving a lot of closeups of frogs and insects. (Why? Only the director knows, and he isn't telling.) Now he can stalk Handsome Guy and the backup platoon they send.

Now, if there's one thing I've learned from Hollywood, it's that monsters have *really* bad eyesight. All the shots from the monster's perpective are in retina-twisting red and orange, with jerking double vision and blurred unfocused images. It beats me how he can even walk in a straight line, let alone hunt people down. On the other hand, maybe the resulting headache is what makes these monsters so darn irritable. Next time a slavering fanged mutant is crashing through the woods after YOU, ask yourself whether maybe he just wants to ask the way to a good optometrist.

Also, this monster comes with the standard option favored by nine out of ten deranged predators: the Magnesium Butt Flare. I'm serious. How many times have you seen the bad guy appear on the skyline, dramatically backlit with streams of intense blue-white smoky light, in spite of the total lack of any light source? So. My theory: the Magnesium Butt Flare. It's the only explanation.

I won't describe the monster further, except that he's 50 years too late to be anything but hilarious. Ed Wood would have loved him. The screams of the soldiers were drowned out by our laughter every time he appeared.

By this time, Handsome Guy has met a redneck brat and his shotgun-toting sister. The kid is one of the worst actors I've ever seen. He reveals that the monster is really the troop leader; he saw the whole thing. The kid announces this like he's talking about the weather. Remember, he's just seen a space rocket crash, a troop of soldiers parachute in and blow up the whole area, and their officer shoot his own men and then turn into a rampaging alien mutant. I mean, I don't know how exciting life in backwoods Georgia is normally, but I'm betting this wouldn't happen more than once or twice a year.

From here it just gets stupider. Fortunately the little kid knows more about mines and trip wires than Mr. Special Forces does. (Maybe he uses them to hunt varmints.) He thinks of a plan, which doesn't work. Neither does the neutron bomb which our hero carries as standard equipment. It looks like the monster will win, but there's just one weapon left: the most inhumane, sickening weapon in existence. Yep. A heartfelt, patriotic monologue in which the hero appeals to the noble, heroic heart that still beats beneath that fearsome rubber exterior and visible zipper.

After a few minutes of this, the monster sees the light and patriotically blows himself up with a nuclear bomb, which the others outrun in the traditional manner. The implication was that his noble special-forces soul finally triumphed over his evil transformation. Personally, I think he did it because it was the only way to stop hearing the hero say things like "We are men of honor. MEN...of HONOR." If I'd had a nuclear bomb in my living room I might have taken the same way out myself.

Rating: If you even slightly enjoyed "Predator," don't watch this, ever. Otherwise, 1.5 turkeys.

Scene to watch for: The paratroopers leave the plane by being shot out of tubes.

Best line: There is no best line. Watching the credits was more exciting. If I had to pick *something*, the prize would go to the monster for his fine performance in the "Auugghggh! Yuurrow! Graauooo!" soliloquy.

Things that make you go "Huh?": Why did I spend $2 on this when it would have been more entertaining to stare at the wall for 90 minutes?