The box cover was just so enticing. A grotesque, slimy, clawed hand was ripping its way out of a present box and opening itself. Pretty freaky, huh? On the back it also had the most alluring part of all. It stars Dan Haggerty. This kindly, bearded gent from "Grizzly Adams" is battling hordes of demented, twisted elven creatures! What a concept! Why Dan could even have been Santa (he looks the part), and the elves got dumped in toxic ooze and are rebelling against him. Thus armed with a sawed-off, double barreled shotgun and a chainsaw and spouting Bruce Campbell-like quips, he would embark on a killing spree to rid the north pole of the menace of the mutant elves. A twisted idea to say the least, but it sounded like incredible bad movie fun to me.

Of course, like many things in life, once I actually got it home and really got going on it for a while, I noticed many things lacking.

(1) There are no "elves." There is an elf. But this elf is lame beyond all imagination. It's supposed to be some secret Nazi weapon of incredible destruction, but I don't believe the screwed up thing killed a single person in the whole movie. Also, it's kind of a puppet and has zero articulation of movement.

(2) There is this obnoxious girl who is the main character. She is for some reason sought after by the elf, who wants to mate with her, because her ancester was a Nazi or something. Whatever.

(3) The girl's mother is unbelievably cruel. She doesn't like her stepson's dog, so she kills it! Jeez!

(4) The elf again. The dumbest thing I've ever seen. It almost looks scary until you see it in the light; then its slanted face reminds me of a really small Sloth from "Goonies" but dumber.

(5) I don't remember but I think that there was an hour of the movie during which nothing happened.