Our movie opens with actually a very cool looking plane wreck but probably actually stock footage from another movie. From there, the daughter of Preston something (a rich guy, you can tell, because only rich guys are named Preston or Maximilian) is taken hostage by that big nostriled dude from Mortal Kombat. We'll just call him Shang. He shoots the plane's pilot, who was carrying relief supplies; then, when one of his own soldiers questions the logic of depriving his own country of relief, Shang promptly shoots him too. It should be a rule for all lackeys not to question their violent, unpredictable master -- they are bound to die. And all masters really should know that continually killing their own men themselves is not the path to victory.

So ol' rich guy Preston decides that since he is rich he can get his daughter back by hiring some retired soldier named Tolliver, who works at a juvenile correctional institution. At first Tolliver disagrees, until the baiting of a particulary violent gang member convinces him that taking some of the prison's most violent, hate-filled prisoners with him into Vietnam would be the best way to get the daughter back.

Why not hire some old soldiers or mercenaries? Rich guy Preston said he'd pay 10 million! But nope, Tolliver wants the totally untrained, uncooperative, and did I mention hate-filled kids to come with him. The group he assembles is as follows. Keep track of every race and creed mentioned.

(1) The aformentioned black gang member, who spews obscenities and wears outdated sunglasses no matter where he is. He hates the prisoner Lopez, who killed his best friend, who in turn had killed Lopez's friend earlier or something.

(2) Lopez. Hey, who better to include then the guy who just killed someone in the workout yard about ten minutes ago? And he and gang member just hate each other and try to kill each other at every opportunity, so why not take them out of jail and give them automatic weapons? It also seems Lopez has a woman back home whom he's gonna marry when he gets back. Well, we know he's gonna die now.

(3) Monster. A huge black guy who is a very crazy, sick rapist and murderer. Yeah, he's the guy I want watching my back or guarding me in my sleep. Anyway, he usually just growls instead of speaking and just looks weird and crazy.

(4) Vasquez, Latin American like Lopez. Vasquez is the typical tough chick with the tough chick name. She killed a guy who molested her, so she's in jail. Should work out great with Monster around.

(5) Brophy. This totally worthless sack of something is there for no reason. He really can't fight, and he is a racist who pretty much hates every living being. Yeah, he'll be a team player. I think Tolliver might have had a full frontal lobotomy before choosing his team.

(6) The last guy, Lam, is a goodie-two-shoes Jewish kid who knows some karate, can follow orders, and is pretty tough. The only decent choice if you ask me, which Tolliver obviously didn't.

So that rounds out the group. We have the "cool" black gang member, the Mexican Lopez who holds his guns and M-16 sideways cause it was how he learned on the street, the psycho Monster, the hatemonger who is constantly trying to desert and is useless in a fight, Vasquez, and Lam.

Tolliver and his team are dropped off by a chopper. He tells the chopper he'll be back in three days. Lopez and gang guy immediately start fighting, everyone joins in, and we see Tolliver shooting his machine gun all around at waist level. I began cheering as I thought he had done what I would have done if I'd just made the mistake of bringing these disasters of human beings with me. But alas, he just shoots at their feet, beats them up, and then gives them M-16's too. Good idea buddy.

Now he decides to train them to to be soldiers. I'm not military expert, but just assuming that it would only take two days to hike into the huge, nearly impassable Vietnam jungle, find Shang and the daughter, and get her out, that would leave one whole day to whip these misfits into crack soldiers. Does that even begin to enter the realm of possibility? Even the reserves take longer than that, and they aren't active troops. So we see some great training-to-music montage footage, and suddenly they are all moving and acting like soldiers.

In their first gun fight, the group does unbelievably well. They defeat at least ten other veteran troops of Shang's army. It must be that the soldiers that have lived in the jungle all their lives and been fighting for years are much worse shots than these street punks that pull drive-bys.

Eventually our Soldier Boyz, and a Ladyz of course, begin to bond, and you know that at least one will get taken out soon. Well, good smart Brophy steals a motorcycle and gets captured by Shang. We find that Monster is about to molest a woman, and the amidst much nostril flaring Shang gets ready to put the world out of Brophy's misery, but the others think it's a good idea to stop that.

So they start taking apart Shang's army pretty darned easily. Amazing how crack troops of the villain always forget to use that little idea of cover in a gun fight. Want to avoid getting shot? Nah. Instead, they dutifully stand out in the middle of the street and are killed by the dozens. At times this movie reminded me of Arnold Schwarzenegger's "Commando" in the number of villains that a single "hero" was able to kill.

So we have a long fight with Lopez, guns held sideways, 'cause its "cool." Then the unthinkable occurs! a handful of the tens of thousands of rounds that Shang's men were shooting actually make contact with Lopez's body! Whoa, a bit too realistic for me! So he dies, but not before all is forgiven between him and gang guy.

Then Vasquez is pinned down by Shang in a helicopter, and Monster rushes out to save her. Shang shoots at them with a huge machine gun, but somehow all the bullets are drawn to Monster's body. Maybe he had some giant magnet inside him or something. Anyway, the funniest line in the film accurs when Tolliver yells, in slow motion:"Moooooonnnnnsteeeeeerrrr!!!" Oh yeah, tear-jerking death there.

So the good guys make their escape and later Brophy feels guilty that two people he intensely hated actually risked their lives for him. He leads off a squad of men away from the others and gets blown to bits in a sequence that reminded me a lot of "Platoon."

Now the final assualt: the only really thing different is that instead of shooting the enemies who are standing still out in the open, the team is now shooting them at night. Shang, unlike his men, proves why he is the evil commander by actually *crawling* and shooting -- what tactics! The man's a genius! No standing up stock still in the open for him! So he hops on his chopper, but the gang guy put some C-4 in the thing. Boom, he's dead.

This movie was looking like it actually had a budget, and there were a few really cool stunts, and some gunfights neared acceptable quality, but the idea is just too lame. I honestly tried to like this film, but it just wouldn't let me. It can best be described by one word: "asinine." Ah well. I anxiously await "Rollerblade 7 vs. Soldier Boyz."

Rating: 3.5 turkeys.