Here's my review of the movie that 99% of "Highlander" fans hate, the movie so bad nobody even bothers to acknowledge it -- they just pretend it never happened. This review assumes you are familiar with the events of the first movie, but it's pretty straightforward anyway. Basically, this is the movie that comes out and tells you that everything you learned in the first movie is completely wrong.

In this film, we are told that all the Immortals are really aliens from the planet Zeist. They're all about the same age, apparently, and came to Earth fully grown, which just tears the first movie's continuity to shreds. See, there was this uprising, a long time ago (heck knows how long ago) when a bunch of Immies lead by Ramirez (who was even called Ramirez on Zeist!) rose up against their evil overlord, General Katana. The uprising was about to fail miserably, so Ramirez picked a guy out of the crowd (not surprisingly, it's Connor) to "receive the Quickening." The two of them dip their fingers in a bowl of water, and there are some cheesy electricity effects, but beyond that there's nothing. Since only Connor "received the Quickening," this would tend to imply that no other Immortal has it (except possibly Ramirez).

So there goes some more of the established continuity.

The rebels go into battle and get their butts majorly kicked. They are then sentenced to be exiled to the planet Earth, where they will be Immortal -- unable to die unless their heads are removed. They are also told about the Game. Whichever of them survives to the end will have a choice: return home to Zeist or stay on Earth and become mortal. (Why? I have no clue.)

Flash forward to the near future. Earth has been surrounded by an energy barrier for the past 25 years, called "The Shield." The shield was a replacement for the ozone layer, funded by Connor MacLeod (who is covered in very unconvincing old age makeup, as he's been getting old now that he's won the Game -- Lambert provides a very nice "old geezer" voice, which almost salvages the mess made by the makeup), which has apparently turned the Earth into Tim Burton's vision of Gotham City. The sun never touches the surface, thanks to the Shield.

Ok, time out. With a 100% opaque shield around the Earth, life as we know it would not be sustainable. First, if the Shield keeps in all heat (which would make sense -- I can't see it being a one-way deal) then geothermal energy would start to bake everything living on the surface. It's hard to say how long it would take the Earth to cool down -- with the Shield insulating the Earth, it might do ok for heat, even without the added power of the Sun. But without the Sun, it is certain that all plant life would die fairly quickly. And without plants, the surviving animals and fungi would slowly asphixiate as all the remaining oxygen was consumed. Certainly, there would be no one alive to reap in the massive income from the Shield Corporation in 25 years. Or even 10 years, most likely.

Back to the story. Connor meets a beautiful blonde who spends her spare time as an ecoterrorist trying to shut down the Shield -- not so much because it's destroying the planet as because it's holding the world in a financial headlock. (Wouldn't the major governments have done something about this by now? Wouldn't a world-altering device held by a private U.S. company spark World War III if it weren't shared internationally? Man, you could drive a Mack Truck through the holes in this movie.) While he's driving her back to his apartment, two assassins from the Planet Zeist show up. They look absolutely ridiculous, with porcupine needles for hair and protective goggles that include little beaks. They've been sent by General Katana (still alive -- apparently they were Immortal before their little exile) to make sure MacLeod is dead and stays dead. (Again, why? If they just left him alone, he'd grow old and croak on his own.)

The assassins decide to take on MacLeod one at a time. MacLeod calls on Ramirez, whom he barely knew and who's been dead for about 500 years. As any sane person might expect, Ramirez does not show. But Mac manages to defeat the first assassin anyway, and, in the resulting light show, becomes Immortal again. He becomes young again (never knew Quickenings could be rejuvenating, but oh well) and goes to kick the other guy's butt. This involves a couple of levitating skateboards right out of "Back to the Future II." He tells the girl about his Immortality, they go back to his place, and they get together. (Talk about low inhibitions -- this woman hated MacLeod for financing the Shield.)

There is some reference to the first movie at this point. She looks over the photos and mementos in MacLeod's apartment. One is of Brenda, the woman from the first movie, who apparently ended up marrying him, and who apparently had been dead for some time. Thus ends the brief foray into actual continuity.

Meanwhile, in Scotland, Ramirez (having somehow heard MacLeod's cry for help despite being dead) materializes in the middle of a production of Hamlet. Some humor follows as Ramirez somehow fails to notice the audience (which is sniggering loudly). It should be noted that Ramirez is dressed in the same costume he wore in the first movie, right down to the pearl earring. It's also worth noting that the filmmakers managed to pick one of the most famous scenes (the graveyard scene, where Hamlet is talking to the skull of Yorick) and despite only showing a few lines of it, managed to completely mess it up. There should be at least two other actors on stage at this point, and Hamlet is alone. So either this is a very avant-garde production, or Bill Panzer didn't bother to reread the original text.

Ramirez gets some funny fish-out-of-water moments here and displays his complete ignorance of technology -- he died in the 16th century, you'll remember. Apparently he forgot all about the high technology society on Zeist. (Don't try to convince me they were not high tech; they had interstellar transporter devices and ray guns. They're high tech all right.) He decides he's looking too conspicuous and ends up trading his earring for a custom-tailored suit that must've cost at least fifty times what the earring was worth. During this scene, he seems less like Ramirez and more like James Bond. (Not that I mind; Connery is the best thing about this movie by far.)

Ramirez hops a plane for New York and meets up with MacLeod. They spar a bit, and then Connor explains the plot so far. They decide to go bust up the Shield. Meanwhile, General Katana decides to take matters into his own hands and travels to Earth, where he drives a subway train three zillion miles per hour and breaks every law of physics and common sense imaginable. Katana joins up with the evil CEO of the Shield Corporation. A friend of MacLeod's (who built the Shield) is stuck in a prison that looks like a culvert. Mac and Ramirez get shot full of bullets and wake up in a morgue, purely for a few cheap laughs. Then the compression of time starts getting really muddled. They fail to rescue MacLeod's friend, who dies pointlessly. They are almost killed in a giant Cuisinart, but Ramirez saves them with the power of the Quickening. (No clue what this is supposed to mean. His fingers glow as he keeps the rotating blade from slicing up his buddies while they escape, and that's it.) Oh, by the way, Ramirez is carrying the katana at this point, and Connor has a big, heavy, unwieldy short sword taken from the silly looking assassins. They leave, and we assume that Ramirez is cut up into tiny little Scottish/Spanish/Egyptian/whatever-the-heck-he-is pieces. Astute observers will note that the dragon's head katana is left in this room, directly in the path of the giant Cuisinart, which looks quite strong enough to destroy it easily.

Connor and the girl go off in search of the bad guy and the Shield Generator. Connor finds him first, in the middle of a series of abandoned warehouses that seem to be attached to the Shield Generator. The fight goes on for some time, ending up in the generator room. All of a sudden, Connor has the katana again, although we have no idea how he retrieved it from the giant food processor. Katana loses, predictably, and the girl shows up in time to see the Quickening (or whatever the heck the energy exchange at an Immie's time of death is according to this movie's warped idea of continuity). Connor then steps into the beam, just like Flynn leaping into the MCP's beam in "Tron." This somehow destroys the Shield without killing him, although presumably he's mortal now, having just won the Game. Again.

Note: this movie fails the Filmmaker's Exam on 6, 31, 38, 39, 40, 52, 57, 61 (well, MST3K didn't actually approach them for the rights, but they have said that it would be one of their first choices if they could do any movie at all), 66, 70, 72, and 74.

Rating: three turkeys.

Scene to watch for: A bum asks one of the assassins for a light. Bear in mind, the assassin is extremely evil looking and is floating around on a hovering skateboard. "Got a light?" BLAM! Assassin shoots the guy with his ray gun. Wah, wah, wah, waaaaah....

Best line: After the prison doc sees the resurrected Immortals: "Hey, you guys are...you're supposed to be...you guys are...dead....Larry!" Meant to be funny, but it's much funnier than was intended.

Things that make you go "Huh?": Even on Zeist, the Immortals have the names they were using on Earth in 1535 to blend in with the local populace.

Response From RinkWorks:

I've read an interview with Lambert in which he totally denounced this movie and apologized profusely for ever making it. Apparently, he was signed on for a two movie deal, did the original Highlander, and then was told this one was next. As soon as he saw the script he tried like heck to get out of his contract but obviously couldn't. I can only guess the same can be said for Sean Connery, as I can't imagine why else he would be in this stinkeroo.