Oh, my, where to begin. There are some movies so bad, you really can't begin to grasp just how atrocious they are until you see them for yourself. Suffice to say that "Can't Stop the Music" belongs on anyone's short list of the worst films of the century. Mind-bogglingly inept, jaw-droppingly stupid, and worthy of a special Academy Award for Best Costumes Designed On An Acid Trip, this flick is priceless to Bad Movie Lovers everywhere.

Steve Guttenburg stars as a would-be disco composer (!) who, along with his roommate, ex-supermodel Valerie Perrine, decides to start a musical group. Having dated her share of record execs (Mama has connections), Perrine begins to scour Manhattan for singers. She comes up with the Village People. Now, the joke here is that all of these guys, including Guttenburg, really have no interest in the female cast members, but, this being a pre-"Philadelphia" Hollywood flick, not even the characters themselves seem to realize it. This, of course, leads to some of the worst punchlines and double entendres you've ever heard.

This might sound weird enough but get a load of the rest of the cast: Olympic gold medalist Bruce Jenner (in his first and only film) shows up as a lawyer that Perrine immediately throws herself on top of; Tammy Grimes, as Perrine's fire-breathing modeling agent; and Perrine's friend Lulu, who dresses like a drag queen and salivates every time a man walks by. To get the group together, Perrine and Guttenburg throw a backyard barbecue at which Grimes does a table dance, the Village People lip synch one of Guttenburg's songs, and the whole gang forms a conga line. Jenner sets up an audition at his law office (since the world desperately needs a sixth Village Person) where he and Perrine (dressed like a bellhop from the Starship Enterprise) view one circus act after another. After watching a bodybuilder, a stilt-walker, and a torch-juggler ("I'm James, and flame's my game!"), the leatherman busts in to sing "Danny Boy," and the final member is found. Jenner's mother observes, "You've certainly assembled a colorful group." Well, that's one way to put it.

Jenner sheds his inhibitions (and most of his clothes), donning cut-off shorts and a skintight, midriff T-shirt, in an effort to fit in with this motley crew. They all head to the (you guessed it) YMCA, where the Village People sing that very song as the director concocts the most insane production numbers you've seen since "Xanadu."

The group lands a studio audition (where Lulu, uh, "choreographs" their dance moves), but it's a bust, so Grimes gets them a milk commercial ("We're going to make milk more glamorous than champagne!") in which they sing a song called "Do the Milk Shake" ("vanilla, chocolate, strawberry, yeah") and wear solid white versions of their outfits. Finally, their big break comes at a charity benefit thrown by Jenner's mother, and Guttenburg wonders (about an hour and forty-five minutes too late), "What if it really doesn't work?" Not to worry, Steve-o: the huge audience screams with ecstasy as the entire cast joins the Village People on stage for a hip-shaking, pelvis-thrusting finale. If disco was indeed dead in 1980, this was the hilarious final nail in the coffin.

Rating: four turkeys.

Scene to watch for: Any of the dance numbers will do, but my favorite is Grimes, inexplicably, getting in a breadstick fight with an old lady on a street corner.

Things that make you go "Huh?": Anytime anyone wonders why the characters are so bizarre, someone says, "They're from the Village," as if that should explain everything.