I have come to the conclusion that the most effective way to remain an intelligent and sane human being in this terribly confusing world of ours is to remember never to pay the full price of admission for a movie based on a Saturday Night Live character. If my brain ever recovers from the experience that was Superstar, I will certainly never commit this crime again. Superstar is a full-fledged Bad Movie, at least a three turkey before the plot had even started, and I only survived (nominally) because of my best friend's never-ending stream of wisecracks about the atrocities of taste we were witnessing.

A few of the highlights: our Heroine, Mary Katherine Gallagher, says that her goal in life is a sloppy, wet, movie-style kiss. She practices for this by going somewhere beyond third base with assorted trees, stop signs, and mirrors. If you have never seen a thirty-year old woman in a Catholic schoolgirl's outfit enthusiastically making love to a tree (not to mention talking dirty to it), you need to see this movie. To make matters weirder, her future boyfriend happens to witness one of these extended make-out sessions and does NOT run screaming for the next county. This tends to make me think that he deserves her.

The movie also contains Glynis Johns in a wheelchair and bad haircut, a chihuahua owned by Mary Katherine that dies a hideous death and is sent back by God to console her ("Go, boy! Fetch!"), the single least attractive male romantic lead I have ever seen in any movie, gratuitous step-dancing carnage -- really, the world's most cliched special ed class that could, and one heck of a lot of hideous acting.

Rating: 3.5 turkeys -- but have someone see it with you.

Best line: "You remember when I told you your parents were eaten by a maddened school of insanely vicious hammerhead sharks? I just told you that to make you feel better."

Response From RinkWorks:

A better rule of thumb would be the one I provide in "The Filmmaker's Exam." Never see a movie containing a SNL alumnus unless said alumnus is Dana Carvey and/or any member of the original cast. There may be a few other exceptions to this rule (Mike Myers, for instance), but for the most part you can't go wrong with this advice.