From the same people who brought us "Barbarian Queen" and "Wizards of the Lost Kingdom" comes: "Amazons"!

We start with Traditonal Fantasy Movie Opening A, the traditonal "Bad Guys Attack Castle" beginning. The black armor clad warriors of the evil wizard Ka-mongo (or something) line up about thirty feet away from the walls of some keep. Despite the fact that the area is well lit, the people inside the city are still carrying on as normal, even though it is plainly obvious there is an army outside.

We get to see the local militia, the title Amazons, practicing their step-aerobic combat drill when Tashingi, their general (you can tell she's a general because she's wearing real chainlink armor that actually affords some protection) comes out and tells them that troops are lining up outside the castle. A battle ensues with the evil wizard using his magic to bring fire and lightning down on the townspeople while his men (led by the Sinster TV's Frank lookalike, who was the torturer in "Barbarian Queen") attack. A good wizard (played by a guy who looks and sounds like Willie Nelson) stumbles around and says the evil wizard is too strong for him and they must flee the city with the "Spiritstone," your typical grand mighty magic artifact that will make the evil wizard totally unbeatable if he gets his hands on it.

The evil wizard looks and sounds like the Dad from "Family Ties." I kept expecting Michael J. Fox to run up in a leather codpiece, screaming about how Mallory was kidnapped by Vikings. But I digress....

Dyala, the second-in-command of the Amazons grabs some warriors and escapes with the stone as the wizard Mongo and his men take over the city and begin the looting and pillaging. Mongo, who actually does a fine job in this movie, ruthlessly decides to impale (upside down, no less) the men he sent to get the Spiritstone that the Amazons beat up. One of them begs for mercy. Mongo replies, "Mercy for failure? What a strange notion." Man, and I thought my boss was bad. The worst part is that he tells the man he doesn't even need the stone that badly, since the one good wizard (Willie Nelson) he hasn't killed yet is too weak to fight him.

Cut to a grove of trees where Wizard Willie has led the Amazons with the stone. Apparently each of the souls of these people is bonded to a tree. Willie chants something about how the soul trees will reveal the reflections of "what you are and what you will be and what will save our land." The Amazons see only their reflection -- small wonder, since the trees have mirrors pushed against them. But Dyala sees more than her reflection: after the camera pans to the right a bit, the image of a glowing sword appears. We also see the glowing sword BEHIND Dyala as we pan further right, to circle around to her shocked face. Sadly, Dyala doesn't turn around; otherwise we might have been able to skip the rest of this movie. Because, as it turns out, this is actually important.

We cut back to Mongo who is giving eight people to the Whereways (yes, that is really what they're called), which are these weird vampire/demon creatures that give Mongo his magic in exchange for the lives of these people. The Whereway we see in this scene (who never appears or is mentioned again) complains about Mongo only giving him eight people this time. His complaints are justified -- Mongo takes an entire fortress keep, and all he manages to capture is eight people? Maybe he should stop putting all his men upside down on pikes.

Incidentially, we find all this out through the eyes of a curly haired guy who tries to lead some kind of resistance against Mongo. This really doesn't matter much, having nothing to do with the Amazons or any of the stuff that happens afterwards, except we get scenes of him being captured along with the other resistance heads and locked in the feeding bin of Mongo's pet lioness (more on this later).

Anyway, the Amazons reach the next city over where the Queen of the Emerald Land rules. She and the wizard reveal that the only thing powerful enough to stop Mongo is to fetch the Magic Sword of Azandati (a great Amazon warrior), which the wizard saw in a cave far away in lands far beyond, where there are many dangers (of course). Tashingi (the Amazon general) suggests her daughter Tashi (the best Amazon warrior there is) accompany Dyala upon her destined quest to get the sword, saying that she'll need someone to watch her back.

Actually, the general asks Tashi to kill Dyala, because Dyala's mom cut her (the general's) hand off in a duel they had over a guy, who later fathered Dyala. She wants the sword for herself so she can give it to Mongo. Mongo and Tashingi, it turns out, have a thing going, and Mongo has promised to make her queen once he takes over all the land. If he backs out on the promise, she'll have the one thing that can kill him.

Anyway, Dyala and Tashi ride out into the wild lands looking for the sword. We cut back to Mongo who is lounging around with his pet lioness, who he can also turn into a beautiful blonde woman wearing a dog collar. Or maybe it's a blonde woman who he turns into a lioness. Either way, it's creepy. He sends the lion woman out to kill the Amazons once they get the sword, because he doesn't trust Tashingi with the sword.

Here's where the movie FINALLY kicks into full swing. We finally get to see all the dangers they've been ranting about for the last thirty minutes.

Then a group of bandits attack the ladies after catching them skinny dipping, for no readily apparant reason. They get saved after the lioness attacks the men.

Then they stumble across these druid women who are out in the woods dancing around in fine white sheer robes from Fredrick's of Cimmeria. They get attacked by these guys who I think are supposed to be lizard men, although it looks like they are wearing REALLY thick mudpacks. Tashi gets caught in a noose trap and gets captured by the mudmen. The mudmen load the women into this cage on wheels, which is probably the coolest thing in the movie just because of the living hubcaps (guys chained to the wheels). Anyway, it turns out the mudmen kidnap these women for human sacrifices. The druids in the wagon pull out these "magic dream leaves" and start chewing on them.

Thankfully, Dyala was able to keep up with the wagon, despite the many jump cuts that blow away any sense of time's passing. The mud men sacrifice a few women, all while screaming what sounds like "Shaka Zulu!" Dyala then, in a scene that I cannot describe, takes out all the mudmen using guerilla warfare traps (spike pits and falling logs) that she mannages to set up in a matter of minutes. Inexplicably, one of them appears to wind up killing himself after jumping out of a tree.

Dyala and Tashi go stumbling around in the woods some more until they stumble on this white horse which leads them to this old shaman woman who lives on the plains in a teepee. The woman says she knows of the sword, and she has seen that three shall enter the cave and only two will come back. The two reach the cave (after a way too long scene of them crossing a gorge on a vine rope). They go in, along with the lionwoman. Tashi tries to kill Dyala but can't because they've become friends. Then she gets killed by the lioness, who Dyala then kills. Dyala then returns with the sword to the old Shaman woman who it turns out is -- and this is way more plot than an already overburdened story needs -- Azanadti, the great Amazon, who is apparently "deathless...or just dead." She gives Dyala her magic horse to take her through the magic paths in the land of the Whereways so she can get to the battle against Mongo quickly. The land of the Whereways, it must be mentioned, bears an uncanny resemblance to the forest we've been looking at throughout the movie, except that it is lit by a strobe light, is filled with really cheesy looking ghosts (you've probably seen better on your doorstep at Halloween) and a bad actor in the Master's robe from "Manos: The Hands of Fate." This scene is edited and spliced together in such a manner that it suggests the editor was trying to inspire an epileptic attack in the audience. Or win an Oscar -- one of the two.

We cut to the big battle where the good wizard Willie Nelson uses the Spiritstone and his own soul to block Mongo's thunderbolts for a grand total of twenty seconds before he drops dead. Dyala shows up, uses the sword to absorb the thunder, and enters the castle to fight Mongo as the final big climactic battle starts.

The fight between Dyala and Mongo must be seen to be believed, but it is the ulimate in bad choreography and editing. You can literally COUNT the number of breaks in the film in the final part, where Dyala (or her stuntwoman, rather):

(1) Jumps to her feet from lying down. (2) Does another flip (which she starts upside down). (3-7) Kicks Mongo. (8) Picks up her sword and beheads him.

The movie could have ended here, with the warriors cheering Dyala. It could have ended with the Queen congratulating Dyala in her throne room and making her the new head of the Amazons, Tashingi somehow having been discovered as a traitor (even though she was leading the attack on Mongo thirty seconds earlier). But it doesn't end there.

Suddenly, Dyala keels over grunting the line, "Someone is killing my tree!" She goes to the sacred grove from earlier and finds Tashingi (who is a little miffed about losing her job, her daughter, and the chance to be Queen) holding an axe and cutting down her soul tree. The two fight while exchanging bad dialogue ("Why kill your soul when I can cut your body to pieces?!") Dyala wins after Tashingi finishes cutting Dyala's soul tree...and it falls on top of her. Dyala, for some odd reason, is still breathing.

Dyala rides back to the shaman lady's hut only to find Tashi, inexplicably alive and well. The two hug and go to return the sword to the cave, so it can rest until the next evil wizard comes through.

This movie is so bad that even the rather lengthy plot summary I wrote (which I give so you can fully focus on the badness of this movie and not worry about understanding the convoluted plot) cannot fully describe how utterly funny this movie is. Made by the same team that made "Barbarian Queen," this movie is even funnier than that and nearly as funny as the first "Deathstalker" movie. I give it a four turkey rating, deducting one turkey because I actually was able to follow the plot after I watched it twice.

Scenes to watch for: Dyala's fight in the woods with the lizard men. Dyala's battle with Mongo the dark wizard.

Best line: "Mercy for failure? What a strange notion."

Things that make you go "Huh?": The lion woman.