Goodness me, I can't believe no one else has reviewed this movie yet. This has to be one of the best bad movies I've ever seen! It's a very good bad swords 'n' sorcery epic wannabe.

The plot is about this warrior chick named Red Sonja, who, for reasons I never was able to figure out, goes around and has adventures. Her past -- and pretty much everything else about her, really -- remains a secret.

The movie also stars Arnold Schwartzenegger. He's sort of a big Conan-esque kind of guy in this movie and almost completely pointless.

One of the best laughs occurs when Red Sonja and others camp out under -- get this -- a giant buffalo thing. It's funny because there they are under a giant buffalo, and no one says anything about it.

As I recall, the plot of the movie revolves around getting this big treasure thing, which is "The Eye of the Gods" or something like that. At the beginning of the movie, it's possessed by these female priestesses, who, in the best tradition of bad fantasy movies, are dressed in ridiculous costumes. After a while, all these warrior guys in crazy helmets burst in, kill all the priestesses, and take the treasure back to their leader somewhere or other.

After that, Red Sonja, heaven knows why, swears to get this gem back from the bad guys. I believe around this point that Red Sonja's sister, who is a total throw-away character, appears and does nothing. Then they leave her behind. She is never seen again.

Next, Red Sonja and Arnold meet up with this kingdom of Guys Who Wear Armor That Makes Them Look Like Big Silly Birds. They have to pass through some sort of gate, but the king of the silly bird people has the only key and won't let them through unless they best his best men, or something like that. Arnold and Red Sonja dispatch them. Why they couldn't have just gone around is beyond me.

After this, they meet up with this infuriatingly annoying little kid, who is the emperor of a pile of rocks. I'm not kidding. Apparently it was a great kingdom, but somewhere along the line it became a pile of rocks. Maybe it was decimated by the evil guy. At any rate, the explanation is the most cursory one imaginable. This annoying kid also has a royal retainer, a portly man with a small helmet. Sounds stupid? It is. He is armed with a stick. What he hopes to accomplish with this, we never find out.

Next, we have the camping out the woods scene, which shows Red Sonja and Arnold fighting with each other, ostensibly for practice. The chubby retainer guy says something like, "Look, they are great warriors." Wow. Thanks for that info.

I believe Arnold and Red Sonja, after beating the tar out of each other WITHOUT ever actually HITTING each other with their swords, fall in love. But that could just be me.

After that, the gang tromps out to some place that has a big pool of water in it. As is a requisite with all bad fantasy movies, this pool contains a big monster. What makes this monster particularly interesting is that it is a giant mechanical fish-frog-shark-thing. While the annoying kid and fat retainer watch, Arnold and Red Sonja fight this thing by smashing its eyes.

This act apparently causes the machine such PAIN that is starts thrashing around. I don't get it either.

They finally get to the evil guys' hangout castle, where, just because, they have to scale the walls and enter via a ventilation shaft. (Why there's a ventilation shaft in a castle of evil is left as a mental exercise for the viewer.) They get in, fight some evil henchmen, and confront the main evil guy.

I should also mention that the main evil guy is a woman who wears a silly-looking mask. This is because her face is scarred, but no one really knows why, least of all me. She has the power to disappear and reappear elsewhere, with amusing stop-the-camera-while-she-moves special effects.

Finally they beat her. I'm a bit hazy on the end, because it was completely pointless. Then the whole place falls apart, and they all have to run for it.

So we end with the annoying kid learning his lesson (not to be mean and surly all the time) and waving goodbye to Arnold and Red Sonja as they ride off together. Yup. That's it.

Rating: 4 turkeys.