"Conquest" easily ranks as one of the three worst movies I've ever seen. It is so indescribably pathetic and incompetent, my review can only hint at the badness of this exercise in irrelevance and hope its readers have good imaginations.

We open on a shot of some ghosts clothing this guy and giving him advice. I don't remember his name, so he will be called The Guy of the Ghosts, or GOG for short. Obviously all this is accompanied by an cheesy electronic arcade game soundtrack. We cut to a slowly panning shot of a lot of people standing around while some woman moans and croaks. They're waiting for the sun to rise. The sun rises.

Obviously, snarling guys with hair and crud all over them attack a helpless settlement, because that's what happens in cheesy fantasy movies. One badguy pops a helpless villager on the head, and spaghetti sauce goes all over the place. Next we cut to a dream sequence in which a woman lies down and quivers with a snake and Gog shoots a blue special effect out of his bow. Gog wakes up, then saves a woman by shooting a snake with an arrow from his bow. In thanks, she runs away.

The next attempt by the filmmakers to hit upon relevance by accident is a random fight with cruddy badguys in which Gog runs out of arrows AND special effects. Fortunately, Talm (The Animal Loving Man) comes to his rescue. Then there's a series of lame battle scenes where people jump around and tumble a lot but never seem to hurt each other, except when spaghetti sauce is involved. Somebody -- I don't remember who -- swings a ball and chain over his head in preparation for an attack, but he warms up too long, and a couple of cruddy guys just leap on him.

Later, Gog and Talm reflect. "When a man meets a man," Talm says, in explanation for his love of animals, "you never know which one will die."

At night, an attack drives them into an underground cave. "We're trapped!" one of them says. How does he know? It turns out they aren't alone. They're a snake with them. They tell it to go away. So it does. And they act all surprised. They follow it, find the crack in the wall by which it leaves, then pound down the wall and escape.

Around here they meet up with some random people, and either Gog or Talm get captured by the cruddy people, and the other one sneaks in at night to rescue him. I don't remember which was which, because I was only half watching at this point: my divided attention was purely a defense mechanism. Anyway, the rescuer snuck into the camp, untied the captive, and then, rather than sneaking right back out again, one of them puts something in the campfire that makes a bunch of sharp bangs go off, like firecrackers. Then and only then, when all the badguys are awake, do they attempt to escape. Apparently they wanted to make it challenging for themselves.

Cut to a monster, whose wrists are bound with rope. Other badguys forcibly hold him over a fire until he's dead. Then they take him out of the fire and, without so much as loosening the ropes, easily pull his wrists out. Why didn't the monster think to try to escape?

Meanwhile, Gog and Talm are running around in the wilderness again. They sense something is wrong and duck JUST when skillions of special effect arrows come FLYING out of nowhere. This scene is hilarious but really has to be viewed to be appreciated.

More monster fights. These monsters are of the Sleestack variety: they don't actually attack -- they just stand around with their arms extended saying, "Ahhh. Ahhh. Ahhh." The funny thing about this particular fight: it's set to elevator music. Not even lively elevator music, just run of the mill elevator music. One guy blocks a thrust of a club by quickly tying a rope around it in mid-swing and holding it fast. Another badguy leaps at one of them, but he jumps so insanely high that the guy barely needs to duck for the monster to miss and go flailing over.

Gog gets poisoned somehow. This type of poison exhibits symptoms such as bulging things crawling around under his skin. So Talm goes to a valley where he knows an antidote grows. On the way, they are captured by pasty white things -- the cheesiness of these costumes has to be seen to be believed. Gog gets the antidote. This makes approximately the eighteenth time Talm has saved Gog's neck just because. Talm doesn't even *like* people. (Why not? Because when two of them meet, you never know which one will die, of course!)

In the climactic end, however, Gog saves Talm -- sort of. The pasty white things have tied Talm up to a couple of upright log things and threaten to tip him off a ledge and into the ocean, where he'll surely drown. Gog shows up and just starts firing blue special effect arrows at everybody in sight. One of the pasty things knocks Talm into the ocean. Gog observes, then does -- NOTHING! He just keeps shooting things. We cut to Talm, under water. He struggles for a while, then blacks out. Cut back to Gog, and yep, he's still shooting stuff. To heck with Talm. Let him save his own silly hide.

Cut back to Talm. We see the surface of the water from underneath. Suddenly, a dolphin plunges into the water! And another! Where'd they come from? Did Gog magically conjure up a couple of dolphins and throw them into the ocean? Nope. We cut back, and he's still shooting pasty things. Cut back, and the dolphins swim around for what seems like an eternity, then bite off the ropes that bind Talm. Cut back to Gog, who's still shooting stuff. Cut to a beach, where Talm is lying unconscious. Gog, mourning the death of his friend, finds the body and walks over to it. Yay! He's all right!

But it's not over. No, they have to fall down into another underground cave. Gog falls first and, after all the times he's been rescued before, dies. Talm is next, and he encounters a lot of monsters that jump over him a lot but don't actually attack.

Gog is dead, so no one can stop the evil witch woman from watching the sun rise! The world is doomed! But wait! During the Waiting For the Sun To Rise ritual, Talm appears! He uses the Force to get Gog's bow and shoots his own special effects at everybody.

"You've all betrayed me!" the croaky woman says to those of her minions who died by the special effect arrows. She tries to escape, but Talm has inexplicably developed teleportation powers and zaps himself to her lair. Then he shoots her.

When the credits roll, the very first words are the following: "Any reference to persons or events is purely coincidental." Ignoring, for the moment, the strange wording of this kind of disclaimer, I can only say one thing: "Duh." This movie bears no resemblance to ANYTHING AT ALL.

Rating: 2.5 turkeys. Some laughs, but tiring to plod through.