I feel very embarrassed to admit even to this day that I ever saw this movie. From listening to David Whitaker's spectacularly exciting music from the soundtrack album, I figured that "The Sword and the Sorcerer" would be just as grand. Unfortunately, it is far from grand.

The film opens with evil King Cromwell and his soldiers storming Tomb Island to enlist the help of a witch to resurrect a powerful sorcerer, Xusia. Cromwell tells the not-so-nice-looking villain that he needs his help to conquer Eh-Dan, the last kingdom in the world (he was beaten four times by King Richard). Xusia does, and afterwards we find a lot of dead people lying down on the ground. Then, and much to my surprise and shock since this is completely confusing and stupid, Cromwell figures it's time for Xusia to "sleep forever." In other words, he stabs him and pushes him over a cliff.

Wait-wait-wait! Stop the film. Didn't I mention earlier that Cromwell *needs* Xusia in order to invade Eh-Dan? If so, why does he dispose of him after slaughtering a few armies? And why is it that he and his troops manage to storm Eh-Dan and kill King Richard and his queen? We never have these questions answered, which is what makes this movie all the more illogical.

Out of the many people killed, only one surives, young Prince Talon, who vows to avenge his family and his kingdom. Ten years pass, and now Talon is full grown and has an army of his own, the Mercenaries.

For some reason that I don't know, we also discover that Xusia is still alive (What happened? He magically saved himself from death?), and we learn that some sort of princess named Alana is to be kidnapped and married to Cromwell. This is of no concern to Xusia, for he wants revenge on Cromwell: "Cromwell's kingdom, Cromwell's bride will be MINE!" he roars, in a really scary voice provided by Richard Moll. (I can't believe I'm saying a good thing about this horrible movie!)

Then we meet this guy named Mikah and his sister Alana, who plan to storm Cromwell's castle. But things backfire when the evil king himself appears and kidnaps Mikah. Thankfully, Alana escapes, only to run into two more soldiers who attempt to rape her. Then Talon appears. Of course, he defeats the soldiers. Talon tells her, "Don't worry. You are safe now." Sound corny? It is.

Alana assigns him to rescue Mikah from Cromwell, to which Talon agrees, on the understanding that he "spend one night" with Alana. Then we learn that some of Cromwell's troops, known as the Red Dragons, have trapped some rebels in Skull Cave. Talon agrees to go, after having a "taste of Alana's lips." After he's gone, the soldiers come, and Alana is kidnapped. (Why doesn't she escape? Who knows?)

Talon heads to Skull Cave where the Red Dragons are threatening to burn them out of safety. How does Talon stop them? He just tips over another barrel of gasoline (or something like that) so that when the fire is lit, it ends up destroying the soldiers and saving the troops.

The troops accompany him to storm Cromwell's castle (it's about time, too), and during their cross into the sewers, they run into a few rats. Again, Talon uses fire to destroy them.

If this doesn't sound ridiculous, I don't know what does.

Then, we discover that Cromwell is trying to force Alana into marriage, which of course is the last thing Alana wants. What's even more stupid is that he has some sort of servant, a girl named Elizabeth, whose personality is not very well defined. On top of that, he thinks that Xusia is out to destroy him and questions Mikah where he might find him. (Need I mention that Mikah is *painfully* hanging from the ceiling and stained with blood? Worse, he has no clothes on, just underwear. What were these filmmakers thinking?) Mikah doesn't know what he is talking about.

It is about time that Talon frees prisoners and Mikah. During this moment, Elizabeth changes her ways for no good reason and helps rescue Mikah. Then Talon tells the escapees to "go" while he gets chased around by guards around the castle (a spectacularly exciting scene, which is quite surprising since this movie is bad enough), runs into Cromwell, and he suddenly remembers the death of his parents at Cromwell's blade. The two have a battle which eventually brings them to a waterfall and ends with some guy named Machelli bashing Talon on the head and knocking him out.

The escapees decide to return to the castle and rescue Talon (he's going to be executed -- crucified, even -- while Alana and Cromwell marry that night!), with Elizabeth offering to help. It backfires, of course, and the rebels are captured. Then we meet some sort of executioner, who threatens to murder Elizabeth unless they tell him who led them into the castle. Of course, they remain silent, and Elizabeth dies.

Then we learn Machelli has another plot: to dispose of Cromwell secretly and rule the world. He assigns his soldiers to wait at some sort of festival and kill everyone when Alana and Cromwell exchange their vows.

During that festival, some girls I don't know of free the rebels and come to the aid of Talon, who is nailed to the cross, blood streaming down his hands. The wedding is disrupted, and Talon is eventually reunited with his legendary weapon, a triple-bladed (I'm not joking, it really *is* triple-bladed!) sword that has magical powers. At the touch of a button, it can shoot -- yes, I said SHOOT -- badguys.

During the battle, Machelli takes Alana to the basement of the castle, a steamy, murky area, to "get her to safety." He then gives her a choice concerning his own world conquest: "be a part of it or a victim of it." Alana tries the same trick she did before with Cromwell earlier: she acts like she's interested -- madly in love -- only to kick him hard in the shins.

Machelli, steaming mad, screams, "SEE ME, ALANA! SEE WHO I REALLY AM!" And then Machelli's human flesh is literally torn apart from him (another gruesome scene) to reveal XUSIA!!

Using his magical powers (great special effects here), Xusia tries to hypnotize Alana and hold her in place, but he is interrupted when Cromwell bursts in. Xusia turns his attention on him until Talon arrives. With no need to start an argument, he immediately becomes a victim of Xusia's magic, but then he manages to resist and use his sword to kill (?) Xusia. It's all very anti-climactic.

Cromwell comments on Talon's sword, and he answers by shooting the second of his blades into the wall. In response, Cromwell is ready to "finish it." Then, the two have a surprisingly exciting sword duel (underscored by stirring music), during which we meet another stupidity about the hero's sword; it sparks when it is hit against, and the blade breaks in combat. But there's a dagger hidden inside the blade! Talon uses it to finish off Cromwell after more fighting. Cromwell asks, as blood pours from his mouth, "Who are you?" "Talon, son of Richard" is the last thing Cromwell hears before he dies.

Talon then rescues Alana, who is being attacked by a snake. You'd think it would be over at last. But then, for some reason unexplained, Xusia literally rises up for another round, and Talon uses whatever is left of his broken sword to kill him. (Wait a second, I thought Xusia had already died! Why does he keep on coming back?)

After all that, and when we are assured that the kingdom of Eh-Dan is safe, Alana reminds Talon that they have "business to attend to," and they do so, whatever business that might be. The film ends with Talon and his Mercenaries riding off for other adventures.

I'm not joking. "The Sword and the Sorcerer" is really as bad as it sounds. The acting is third-rate, and the dialogue is one of the corniest things I have ever heard, save a few lines. Also, it's extremely bloody, and that is what bothered me most about "The Sword and the Sorcerer." Why do fantasy movies have to rely on blood and gore?

However, there are at least two good things about it. There's a boomy, spectacular musical score from David Whitaker (who did not have a long musical career), and a scary, sinister performance from Richard Moll as Xusia.

The worst part is that I first saw it when I was only nine. This was a mistake; I shouldn't have ignored the R rating.

Footnote: I actually saw it again just before writing this review, and I actually tolerated it a lot more than I did back then. Not that I've changed my opinion on the film, however. It's still a fantasy movie in need of repair, and, when compared to far superior movies of this type such as "Willow," "DragonHeart," and "The Black Cauldron," suffers miserably.

At the end of the movie, there is a message saying that Talon's next adventure, "Tales of the Ancient Empire," will be "coming soon." Don't believe it. It never got into production, and with luck it never will.

Rating: 3 turkeys.