In "Sinbad and the Seven Seas," Enzo Castellari makes some poignant statements on the pervasiveness of evil in our society, and sets in motion a scathing commentary on the difficulties inherent in the rise of the middle class. Clearly, the evil displayed by Jaffar is a metaphorical one; does Sinbad truly realize even what he is fighting against? There are deeper levels at work as well-Sinbad (the everyman) and his crew (mankind) fighting to recollect the crystals of Basra (our lost innocence? our resolve?) to defeat a pervasive, yet vague sense of forboding-where clearly, "There's no one here," in the words of the protagonist. Jaffar may be a scapegoat here, a red herring to the true problem, which only comes clear in the dramatic and chilling conclusion, where Sinbad's worst enemy becomes his own self. The imagery is unabashed and lucid; the questions continue to form only in the mind of the viewer. As all good satire does, it spurs one to action. Use the power you have had all along, wrestle introspectively, as Jacob did, until your path becomes clear.

Ah, I can't take it anymore. This just goes to show how far academia's brought me, I suppose -- I could probably write a research paper on this moronic movie with a little work. "Sinbad and the Seven Seas" is, lest you be confused by my little treatise above, an unrepentant piece of cinematic tripe -- but one of the most hilarious pieces of tripe I've ever seen. I just wanted to give back a little to RinkWorks here for revealing this great movie to me and my friends -- I would have passed it right over if not for the awesome reviews on this site. You already know the plot -- if not, read one of the other reviews. Even if you don't, I can sum up. Jaffar is evil, and Sinbad and crew are good. Sinbad has to rescue the princess/the sacred gems/the city/the world by six moons, give or take a year. Cue lots of horrendous (mostly dubbed) dialogue, ponderous and unchoreographed fighting scenes, gaping plot holes, and a pat, happy ending. It's better than that, though -- I absolutely love this movie. I've seen worse movies ("Manos, the Hands of Fate," "Troll 2," "Santa vs. the Martians," "Kazaam"), but I've never seen funnier. Let's go over some of my favorite points:

- Jaffar. John Steiner deserves some kind of award for this work -- that's all I can say. His dialogue alone is bad enough -- but what he does with it! Oh my. His eyes are always bulged out, he always has a huge smile, and he always makes sweeping spastic gestures that will leave you howling. Nuance and subtlety are not in this "actor's" vocabulary. Oh, and the "HA!" will simply leave you speechless -- it's that good.

- Sinbad. Lou Ferrigno's big, oily chest just makes me cringe each time it's displayed. His acting is atrocious, and he makes these not-so-subtle pauses in his lines that I just love. "You're losing your power, Jaffar...and you know that." WHAT?!? What's the point of that last part? I can't believe somebody actually wrote this! Of course, he does have the greatest pick-up line on a girl I've ever heard -- remember this, guys -- "Gosh, you're sure beautiful." They'll be eating out of the palm of your hand after that one.

- The plot. Ok, Jaffar has this ill-defined evil power. How come he can just teleport some things and not others? Why do the people get so scared all the sudden -- if they never knew darkness. I guess they never went to sleep either? Or got any rain? I'm no farmer, but that's hard on crops, I think. Why shoot off four of five crystals, and leave one, if they're anathema to him? Sinbad's breath can fill a whole hot air balloon -- and make it work? And why couldn't the princess just let herself out of "the slushy machine" (as my friend called it), before they had to go to all that trouble? Ah, there's more, but it's been touched on in previous reviews.

- The useless supporting cast. Soukra and the Bald Cook, why are you there? You add nothing to the story whatsoever. Soukra seems to try to add a little self-referential humor to the whole thing ("Have you taken your medication this morning?"), but it just comes off flat, since the whole rest of the movie takes itself seriously. Somethingopolis is supposed to try to help in things, like going after the crew on the isle of the amazons, and fighting the never-seen "monster" but he ends up just complaining. Of course, at least he doesn't change sides suddenly at the end, as Soukra and the Hubcap Armor guy do.

Most of the rest has been touched on already. Please, if you are an admirer of bad cinema at all, seek out this movie. You don't even have to make MST comments through it -- Sinbad does it for you! Just push "play" and laugh your head off.

Rating: 5 enthusiastic turkeys up!

Scene to watch for: Any scene with Jaffar.

Best lines: Sinbad: "Wait a minute. Wait a minute. There's nobody here." Poochie: "There's nobody here." Sinbad: "I just said that. That's the point."

Things that make you go "Huh?": Philosophizing to the rubber snakes? The alien sock puppet piranha guy? Throwing away the sword? Undead hearts with faces? Slooooowwwww motion? There's too many to list.