This is a painful, incomprehensible, unintelligible, very seventies, obviously made-for-TV movie that stars that fabulous actor Joe Don Baker. Even the Mystery Science Theater 3000 version can't protect the viewer from all of the anguish experienced in watching this winner.

It begins with a random burglar breaking into John Saxon's home to steal silverware. Saxon comes home, finds him, and shoots him. Joe Don Baker appears as the title character and suspects foul play. Why? The burglar was short. Why is this important? We will never know.

Joe's boss, angry at Joe (possibly because of his horrible haircut and seventies wardrobe), puts him on 24-hour surveillance of a criminal whose connection to the drug world is made clear in a few vague, hard-to-hear references to heroin. Joe Don immediately lets the Surveillance Criminal know that he is watching him. Correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't the point of surveillance to keep it a secret from the criminal? Doesn't letting him know about it defeat the purpose?

The next several scenes mainly consist of Joe Don randomly shooting people, befriending the S.C., insulting the S.C.'s personal thug, and running his car off of cliffs. A prostitute (played by Linda Evans) appears at his door and makes herself at home.

After proving his love for Evans by arresting her for marijuana possession, Joe Don learns she is the most expensive hooker in Southern California and is being paid by John Saxon. He goes back to Saxon's house to confront him in a scene that explains everything about nothing.

Joe goes back to his neglected surveillance and, after yelling at a random kid, somehow gets himself involved in smuggling the heroin from the airport to S.C. for distribution. He obtains the drug, drives to the country, is confronted by two random thugs, and discovers the heroin is actually chalk. All hopes of the movie ever ending pretty much disappear at this point.

Joe Don then blows up his car for absolutely no reason, shoots everyone within a fifty-mile radius, appropriates a police helicopter, and searches for S.C. Meanwhile, S.C. and his thug have escaped to his boat with the real heroin. Joe Don finds him and jumps onto his boat where he mysteriously acquires an assault rifle and kills both S.C. and the thug. Arrest? Trial? Apparently they weren't necessary.

Adding insult to injury, the movie STILL doesn't end but shoves one more scene at us. Evans, who has moved back into Joe's apartment and trashed his kitchen, tries to...*comfort* him but is again arrested for marijuana possession. Ain't love grand?

"Mitchell" should never, ever be viewed alone. Misery loves company, after all.

Rating: 2.5 turkeys.

Scene to watch for: Joe Don's gun falling out of his pants.

Best line: "The beer got excited."

Things that make you go "Huh?": What was going on? Why was John Saxon paying Linda Evans? How did S.C. get the heroin?