Now that Mystery Science Theater 3000 has been canceled, I m going to have to depend on TNT's Monstervision to supply movies to satisfy my bad movie cravings. This is such a movie, which had its television world premiere on August 28.

"Ice Cream Man" stars Clint Howard, younger brother of Ron, as Gregory, a boy who witnesses his own neighborhood ice cream man gunned down before his eyes and grows up to become a psychotic killer with an ice cream fetish. Clint manages to steal the movie -- as much of it that is worth stealing, anyway. It's not that Clint is a wonderful actor; on the contrary, he stinks. But the other actors in the movie are so phenomenally bad that he towers head and shoulders above them. He alone manages to save this miserable attempt at satirical horror and raise it to the lowest rung on the creepiness scale.

The plot, if it can be described as such, is straightforward enough. When children and dogs begin to go missing from the neighborhood, a gang of kids calling themselves the "Rocketeers" (with the unlikely names of Small Paul, Racer, Tuna, and Heather) suspects Gregory, the local ice cream man, of killing them. They sneak into his truck, follow him around, whine to the police, and generally make nuisances of themselves. Small Paul gets kidnapped, and the police find out that Gregory spent much of his life in a mental hospital. Then the plot blunders on incomprehensibly for a while through a few random killings until the final showdown where the ice cream man gets sliced and diced in his own nut-chopping machine.

It is misleading, however, to credit this movie with even having a plot. Much of it consists of unconnected shots of grotesque food preparation (dog sausage, eyeballs in the rocky road) and wholly inconsequential subplots (such as the possession of Heather's mother by the archangel Gabriel). The dialog is beyond inane. Included is an entire scene devoted to the Rocketeers arguing between plain cones and sugar cones. The police (at least I assume they were police -- they didn't wear uniforms) are bastions of unbelievable lines, such as, "It's classified, ice cream man, it's classified," and, "You're a quick one, ice cream man, you're a quick one." Believe me, these sound even worse when uttered in a deadpan tone, one right after the other.

In fact, the actors besides Clint in this movie look as comfortable in front of the camera as an agoraphobic fourth-grader forced to perform in the school play. They pause to remember their lines and then fail to pause while conversing on the phone. A five minute scene that takes place in the mental hospital must be seen to be believed. The camera-shy extras make the scene look as if it was shot at the Betty Ford Center with a bunch of half-detoxed, embarrassed celebrities.

But despite the incompetent actors, "Ice Cream Man" succeeds on some levels through two things -- a reasonable special effects budget and Clint Howard's believability as a psycho sicko. In fact, the movie scrapes together an eerie aura when Clint utters lines like, "You're going to have to learn you can't run from the ice cream man. I know where you live," and, "I'm the ice cream man. I make children happy," and "Do you realize how long it takes to make butter brickle?" Not to mention the phrase which should be remembered as the film's trademark: "Not everyday is a happy, happy, happy day."

I'd give "Ice Cream Man" a qualified recommendation to other bad movie fans. If the movie took itself more seriously, it would be a hilarious failure. As it is, watch it with a group and don't eat the rocky road.

Rating: three turkeys.

Scene to watch for: The police visit the mental hospital. If you can figure out what is going on, let me know.

Best line: Anything uttered by the crazy doctor at the mental hospital. My favorite: "There are no bad days, Gregory. Only happy, happy, happy days. What kind of day are you having?"

Things that make you go "Huh?": What use can an ice cream man possibly find for ground-up dog meat? Or do I not want to know?