This is one of those awful early 80s swords and sorcery epics made on a shoestring budget with a no name cast and crew. Actually there is one (1) name involved in this disaster -- it turns out that James Horner (of "Titanic" and "Braveheart" fame) lent a hand with the music. Unfortunately for him (and us) the budget was so low that they couldn't hire an orchestra, so the whole score is banged out on a synthesizer.

Since it would take way too long to go over all of this movie's badness, I'll just mention the highlights:

- There are no wizards, and there is no lost kingdom.

- The movie opens with the main character, Simon, and his girlfriend standing in the good guys' castle. She says to him, "Aren't you glad we're getting married?" When he doesn't reply she says "You are glad, aren't you? You do love me, don't you?" He looks slightly annoyed and says, "If I show you a trick, will you stop asking so many questions?" That has to be the dumbest exchange in the movie, if not all of cinema. Sheesh, he sounds like he's talking to a three year old who keeps asking why the sky is blue. Well anyway, the princess girlfriend doesn't seem at all bothered by this remark and waits for him to do this trick. Simon flings out his hands at a bird gargoyle that just happens to be perched above them, and it starts moving and singing/screeching. This was so out of place and weird that I just sat and stared at the screen in bewilderment. What's the point of having this scene in the first place? It does NOTHING for the story. Incidentally, the magic words for making the bird gargoyle inanimate again are apparently, "Oh, shut up."

- Simon has a pet that could be aptly described as a really fat polar bear type thing with the head of a stuffed puppy dog. Like all the other reviewers for this movie at IABBBBM, I am at a loss as to why this creature is in the film at all. It serves no purpose whatsoever. But then again, that seems to be a recurring theme in this movie.

- We then learn that the castle is being invaded by bad guys. Simon's father, the castle's resident magician, gives Simon the Great Magical Ring of Magic to take care of. Don't lose it, the father warns. He proceeds to transport Simon and the Chewabacca-wannabe, via magic, to an unspecified forested place "where they'll be safe." Right before Dad does this, however, Simon drops the ring from his hand in such a way that it would impossible for him not to feel it slip through his fingers. As it is, it takes him a while to figure out that the ring is gone.

- The father, who for no good reason stayed in the castle, confronts the Villain. I'm not quite sure who the Villain is supposed to be, but I think he belongs to the old "evil vizier who betrayed the good king's trust" cliche. Anyway, the Father and the Villain fight with animated magic fire. The father has blue animated fire so we know he's the good guy. The Villain gets red animated fire so we know he's evil. Gee, thanks for the reminder. After a tension filled (yeah right) battle, the father gets killed, and that's the end of that.

- The Villain has a weird black warthog thing that follows him everywhere and even whispers advice to him. If the Villain is taking advice from this furry whatchamacallit then he's in even more desperate need of a sidekick than Simon.

- We are introduced to a bizarre warrior named Kor who spouts the most painfully bad one-liners imaginable. I think the flimmakers were trying to make him into a Han Solo type character, with a wise-cracking self-centered attitude, but they failed so miserably that the finished product is almost sickening to watch. Needless to say, he teams up with Simon and the polar bear.

- Simon is entranced by some lady (who later turns out to be a giant cockroach) and falls asleep. He then has a vision in which he hears an evil voice saying to him, "Cooome Siimon, seeee the powers of eeviil." Funny, I didn't know the powers of evil consisted of random guys having a human sacrifice in a random abandoned temple. But this display of evil seems to tick Simon off, and he intones grimly, "Powers of Evil, I defy you!" This causes a poorly done flying blue (good) lion to appear out of nowhere and shoot lightning out of its eyes at some giant red (bad) head that just happens to be floating next to it. Um...okay.

- I forgot to mention the evil queen, who doesn't do anything but have incomprehensible conversations with the Villain. It's kind of amazing how so much screen time can go to a character whose purpose is non-existent. But I guess the polar bear and the princess girlfriend have already set the precedent.

- Kor is captured by a group of cyclopses, and his escape is easily the dumbest scene in the movie. It must be seen to be believed.

The movie has some other funny bad things in it, but most of it is just boring. The ending is the usual final confrontation between good and evil, which means more animated fire (Yay!). Good triumphs over Evil, the Villain is killed, Simon and the princess get married, Simon and Kor have a tearful goodbye scene, and the movie is over. Thank goodness.

Rating: 3.5 turkeys.

Scene to watch for: Kor's escape, or any scene with the animated fire.

Best line: "Cooome Siiimon, seeee the powers of eeeevil."

Thing that makes you go "Huh?": What the powers of evil are.