For almost a year now I've been tempted to rent "Uncle Sam" based solely upon the "space age" cover depicting a ghoulish Uncle Sam and the words "Uncle Sam wants you -- DEAD" muahahahaha.

In any case, I expected the worst movie of all time, and I was not disappointed. The opening scene is somewhere in the Kuwaiti desert, apparently three years after the Gulf War. This Sam character's helicopter apparently got shot down a long time ago, yet through the miracles of the desert, his corpse is in near perfect condition. Upon hearing that he was shot down by "friendly fire," his corpse re-animates and kills his only chance of getting out of the desert again, uttering something along the lines of, "It's only friendly fire." Then he dies again.

Cut to some weenie little androgynous kid with the appopriately unisex name "Jody" who idolizes his Uncle Sam. It's important to note that it's July 1st, since this is all about patriotism. A bunch of really lame stuff happens and then Sam's ex-wife is brought home from a date with Sleazy Policeman, IN HIS POLICE CAR. All this time, I thought they had to return those. Enter Sleazy Military Guy, who informs Hapless Widow that Sam is officially dead.

Somehow, and this is never explained, Sam's corpse magically returns and is brought to HW's house in a shocking state of decay. As we all know, coffins are irresistable to androgynous children, so Jody continually tries to "break in" to the coffin. Blah blah blah, funeral scene in Hapless Widow's house, Isaac Hayes shows up. Eventually we meet some "punks" who are in a graveyard burning an American flag and spraypainting swastikas on gravestones. A chunk of flaming flag lands in Sam's graveplot, which triggers Sam to return from the dead. Again.

After slaying a peeping tom in an Uncle Sam costume complete with stilts (?!), Sam dons the costume and kills Punk A and Punk B, while Punk C gets away by simply going home. It's now July 4th, so there's a big parade. We find out that Sam was an abusive alcoholic and all around jerk, which explains why the psychotically patriotic Jody idolizes him. A bunch of people die in really stupid ways, usually after saying, "Where did that hatchet go?" or "That meat cleaver was just here." Isaac Hayes reappears, sans eyebrows (?), and together with the kid who was paralyzed, blinded, and horribly scarred by fireworks last year (how and why this happened and what made this kid psychic is never explained). Jody figures out how to kill Sam, in a plot that involves a large decorative cannon that shoots fireworks and blows up Hapless Widow's house. It is also important to note that Isaac Hayes only has one leg.

I really cannot explain the intricate stupidity of this movie, let alone try to explain the psychic cripple. You really need to rent this yourself.

Rating: 4 turkeys.

Scene to watch for: The part where Sam and the psychic cripple "touch."

Best line: "Jody, stay away from that coffin. It's not a toy."